


Sophomore Year

by TheIfInLife



Series: I Hear Symphonies In My Head [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bottom Louis, Bullying, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Innocent Louis, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Slow Build, Triggers, Virgin Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-26 08:22:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 76,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4997635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIfInLife/pseuds/TheIfInLife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything finally comes crashing down for Louis. He finally breaks. But it's at his lowest that things start looking up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sophomore Year First Semester

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies! I'm still here, this fic is still happening, the updates are just very, very slow and I'm sorry for that. I hope that this makes up for it! On the note of the content, be warned, there is a section that Louis considers self-harm. BUT!!!! I have that section marked so that if that is a trigger to you, you can completely skip over it. And I promise that this is the one and only time that he will get like that. From the tags and notes and things, this chapter seems a bit dismal but don't fear! Louis isn't always down! And the end, man I'm so excited for you all to read that part! So please, please leave me comments!
> 
> Also, you can hit me up on [my Tumblr](http://larryismyotpuniverse.tumblr.com/) with any character asks or anything really. And!!! I can't forget [the best Beta in the entire world, Dani](https://www.wattpad.com/user/pixiedustedlarry) Love you girlie <3
> 
> Happy reading and don't forget to have a lovely day!

  ****

The summer between Louis’ freshman and sophomore year is blissfully, yet tragically uneventful. He spends a lot of days over at Niall’s house training for the next football season while Zayn plays the role of over excited cheerleader. Liam and Louis don’t get to spend much time together over the summer due to the fact that Liam spends most of his time on vacation with his family. The time that Louis spends with Harry is, well amazing. Most of the time Harry just visits while Louis babysits his little sisters. And on the note of family, he and his mother are not on the best of terms. He is still mad about this whole new guy situation and she is pissed at him for how he reacted. He doesn’t see that one resolving any time soon. The girls all met him just a few weeks after Louis did and of course, they love him. Louis has a sneaking suspicion that Lottie doesn’t really like Daniel either but the other girls are all for Jay and Daniel being a thing.

Though he makes sure the others don’t see it, Louis has slipped into a sort of depression. The whole gay thing just swallows him whole. In the three months of the summer, he’s strayed from being obsessed with looking up gay related things and has graduated to ignorance. If he stops looking it up or taking the damn quizzes or watching coming out videos and shit then maybe it’ll just go away. He is still holding on to the hope, quite desperately, that a girl will come along and prove that this whole thing is just some pubescent confusion. He fucking hopes.

The van ride on the way to school is practically bursting at the seams. All of the girls are talking over each other excitedly. Lottie is checking and then checking again to make sure she has all of her school supplies. It is her first day of seventh grade, middle school. Louis is the only one who doesn’t say a thing while Jay drives him to school.

“Bye sweetheart! I’ll be here at three!” Jay yells out to him as he steps out of the van. He nods at her and shuts the door.

For a moment, Louis just stands at the school doors. So much has happened since the very first time that he walked into the doors of his high school. He’s gained three new friends and almost lost them all in the same year. He’d gotten his first girlfriend. His first lead role. He made the team. He’d gained a bully. He cried a lot. He had a lot of laughs.

With a deep breath, Louis walks inside, ready to make another year full of memories.

The group decides to meet at the freshman tables yet again just because it is easier. Niall is already there, along with Liam.

“No, Niall, those things have so many carbs – “ Liam glances down just as Niall stuffs his mouth with crisps.

“I don’t give a feck!” He says around the mouth full of chips.

“Hey,” Louis takes a seat next to Niall, taking his backpack off and setting it on the ground next to him.

“TOMMO!” Niall officially has too much energy for this time of morning.

He entertains them with some pleasantries but quickly decides that he wants to walk the halls before school actually starts. He decides to go look at the activities board, having heard that tryouts for the football team are being held earlier than they were last year. However, he doesn’t see any flyers up about it yet.

“Louis The Fairy Tomlinson.”

“Fuck,” Louis breathes. The unsafe feeling that had creeped up on him last year is back. “Chris, just leave me the fuck alone.”

When Louis turns to face the guy who’s been making his life significantly more difficult, he nearly gasps out loud. Chris has two black eyes and a clearly broken nose along with a busted and swollen lip.

“Wow,” Louis couldn’t help the sass. “Looks almost as bad as what I did to you.”

“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” Chris practically growls, taking a threatening step towards Louis. “Faggot. Everyone knows about you, you know. That whole act that you put on last year was a fucking laugh. You’re a fucking laugh.”

Louis turns from him, hearing the bell warning that they have to get to class soon. He is vaguely worried that Chris will follow him and continue with the mean words but he is alone. Regardless of what Chris says, Louis refuses to let it get to him. At least not in public at school.

Niall and Louis ends up having the last class of the day together, geometry.

“Lou!” Niall yells excitedly when he sees Louis enter the classroom. “Come sit by me!”

They spend the entire class period quietly talking instead of paying attention to the stupid syllabus.

“So Zayn told his parents about us last night.” Niall whispers, tips of his ears turning just the slightest red.

“What’d they say?” Louis is vaguely aware that they were pressuring Zayn into finding a girlfriend last year. Instantly, Louis is worried about his parents’ reactions.

“Well he called me crying,” Niall bites his lip. “But I could hear Trish in the background yelling about how long it took for him to tell them and stuff. Like, they weren’t mad at all.”

“Why was he crying then?” The teacher eyes the two of them as if he is going to say something about them talking but he decides to go droning on about late work policies. Louis probably should be paying attention because late work is inevitable with Louis. But fuck it.

“He was just really relieved.” Niall shrugs. And then he directly turns to Louis with a smirk. “He snuck over to my house after everything last night. Let’s just say I’m glad that I’ve always loved to eat.”

Louis stares at him in confusion. “Did you and Zayn go get some take away or something?”

“What? No, never mind. You’ll understand some day. Probably fairly soon if Harry has anything to do with it.”

“What? I am literally so confu – "

“Mr. Tomlinson,” The teacher snaps. “Am I interrupting your conversation?”

The room goes silent and Louis has to literally bite his tongue to keep from saying, ‘actually yeah you are’. Jay would probably  kill him if he gets in trouble on his first day and not just like, figuratively.

“No sir,” Louis replies, now intently studying the information on the syllabus.

As the teacher continues on, Niall is at his desk, hunching over in a desperate attempt to squash down the laughter. Louis is quite proud that the teacher never catches on seeing as Niall is pretty much the loudest laugher in the world.

After the final bell rings, Niall has to run off and meet Zayn so the two can ride home together. Apparently the Horan household will be empty for a few hours and Louis really doesn’t want to think about that. Louis really is accepting of their relationship. He can see how Niall’s eyes will light up whenever Zayn is around. They’ve known each other since the womb (trademark of Niall Horan) and never has Louis seen Niall this way about someone else. So who is he to get in the way of their relationship?

Liam has Nicola coming to pick him up so that they could have a sibling’s day before Nicola and Ruth have to go back to their respective dorms. So that means that it is, once again, Harry and Louis waiting together for their moms to come pick them up. Sitting there on the bench with Harry, Louis feels like no time has passed since they sat there as freshman.

“Missed you.” Harry says into the quiet breeze. Louis takes a glance at his watch; his mother is late. What else is new?

“We saw each other like, two days ago, Haz.” Louis playfully rolls his eyes, his arms coming up to wrap around himself.

“I know.” Harry smiles at him so gently.

“What are you thinking?” Louis can’t help but ask. He has this look on his face like he’s contemplating life or something.

“I’m thinking that I can’t wait for this school year with you.”

“Me either. Hey Harry?”

“Hm?”

“So,” He takes a deep breath. “Do you think it’d be dumb of me to do the musical and football again?”

“Why would that be dumb? I mean, yeah you were stressed and went through a lot but you loved it. I could tell that you did. Why not do something that you love?”

“I don’t know…” Louis trails off. Over the summer he’s been giving it a lot of thought.

Chris gave him a lot of trouble freshman year. He had felt like punching him in face would be the end of it but obviously that wasn’t true. If he is being honest, Louis is considering not doing football or the musical in hopes that Chris will just leave him alone. That’s all he wants.

“Well,” Harry’s voice breaks through Louis’ thoughts. “If that’s what you really want, you have my support. But I think that that’s not what you really want.”

Saved by the bell. Jay drives in just in time for Louis to avoid a response.

-

At dinner that night, Louis pouts with his arms crossed over his chest. Daniel decides to stop by. The twins immediately latch onto him the second he walks through the door. Louis personally nearly gags. But Jay shoots him a death glare so he decides that he’d rather behave than get grounded. Or not.

“What a nice family dinner we have here.” Dammit, he has always struggled to bite his tongue. “Oh look, Daniel’s here too!”

Lottie snickers but Jay is far less than amused.

“Louis William! Do not speak about him like that!” She shrieks, face turning red. Aw, is he embarrassing her? Does he give a shit? Nope.

“Well it’s not like I lied!” Louis considers it a success as he watches Daniel start to get up.

“Jay, it’s no problem, I can – “ Daniel starts to say but Jay interrupts him with fire in her voice.

“No!” And okay, Louis is started to get a bit scared. “Daniel you’re staying. Louis – bedroom. Now. Since you’ve been rude to our guest, you just bought yourself a night without dinner.”

“You know what?” Louis stands, so furious. Obviously his mom cares more about this new guy than she does about him. “Fine.” And Louis slams his chair against the table and stomps up the stairs, making as much noise as possible.

Louis hates everything. He hates his mom for doing this. He hates Daniel for just waltzing in his life and he hates Mark for just waltzing right out of his life. He hates that his sisters are so accepting of Daniel but none of them really know Mark like Louis does. And dammit, Louis hates himself. He hates himself so much.

Louis spends the night with Liam on the first weekend after school starts. Liam is taking it kind of hard, being home without both of his sisters for the first time, and Louis’ mom thinks some time away from the house will be good for him. Whatever.

“So I thought you were going to join weights with me this year?” Liam asks, pulling a second piece of pizza from the box that his parents had ordered them.

“I decided against it. I may not even do footie this year.” Louis shrugs, trying to act as if this sudden development were no big deal.

“What? You love football. And you’re so good. That team needs you.” Liam is clearly surprised by this. “Is this because of Niall? Are you two in a row again?”

“No, I just. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore.” Again, Louis just shrugs.

“Oh.” Liam says simply, clearly letting the subject drop. “Wanna watch Guardians of the Galaxy? Chris Pratt man, if there was one guy I’d go gay for, it’d be him. And MARVEL, you can never go wrong with MARVEL.”

“Sure.” Louis agrees even though he really doesn’t care too much for superhero movies.

Louis admittedly laughs all the way through the movie – it’s hilarious and Groot is pretty much the best character to ever grace the screen.

“Tell me that that wasn’t the greatest movie ever!” Liam says once the scene with dancing baby Groot was over.

“That wasn’t the greatest movie ever.” Louis utters just to be a shit.

“Looouuu,” Liam complains with a pillow thrown at Louis.

“Okay, it may have been pretty fucking awesome.” He admits, throwing the pillow back at him.

Louis watches Liam leisurely working out for an hour while he munches down on ice cream. Liam’s dad went out to the pub and Karen has already gone to bed. Louis feels like doing something mischievous but Liam doesn’t really want to do anything other than work out. Or watch comedies. When they finally head up to Liam’s room to get ready for bed, it’s obvious to Louis that something has upset Liam.

“Liam, what’s wrong?” Louis asks as he ruffles through his bag from pajamas.

“Nothin’.” The way Liam shrugs it off awkwardly immediately confirms for Louis that Liam is definitely upset by something.

For a moment, Louis leaves it be so he can go change. But once he’s back and crawling into Liam’s bed next to him, he brings it back up. He decides to go about it carefully, knowing that Liam won’t open up if he pushes too much.

“Remember how in Big Hero 6 Baymax does all these crazy things that don’t really make him a better health care person but he does it anyway because he wants to help Hiro – ”

“I know what you’re trying to do, Lou.” Liam interrupts. He shifts on the bed, no longer looking at him. “I don’t know if you want to talk about it.”

“You’re one of my best friends, if you need to talk, it doesn’t matter what it is.” Louis says honestly.

“I went to a party on Thursday night. And I got a wee bit drunk. There isn’t much that I remember from that night. But there is one thing that I do remember; I hooked up with some chick. Without a condom.”

“Liam!” Louis gasps, not judging him, more just surprised that Liam would make a decision like that. “Do you not remember all the … education classes?! A lot of bad stuff can happen … what if – ”

“Don’t even say it, Louis!” Liam snaps, turning on his side. “This is why I didn’t want to say anything.”

“Hey.” Louis puts his hand on Liam’s shoulder and gently squeezes. “I’m sorry. You know I don’t judge you. I’m just worried.”

“You sound like my mother.” Liam groans but he turns to face Louis. “I’m scared.”

“It’ll be okay.” Hugging while they were both on their sides is only a tad bit awkward. Louis puts up with it because he loves Liam to death. “I’m sure that everything will be okay.”

“I sure hope so.”

-

That Monday night, they have another ‘family’ dinner. But before Daniel has even shown up, Jay pulled Louis aside.

“Listen to me, you will not be rude and disrespectful like you were the last time. I love Daniel and it’s time you stopped being a big baby about the situation. If I hear so much as one peep out of you, I’m taking your phone and laptop away. And you’ll be on babysitting duty for the next two months. Do not test me, young man.”

So needless to say, Louis keeps his damn mouth shut. He doesn’t say a word to anyone. He doesn’t even make eye contact with anyone accept Lottie. It seems that Lottie doesn’t care too much for Daniel either, she’s just a bit less dramatic than him.

Jay is pissed about that but she doesn’t seem as mad as she was the last time that they had dinner with the home wrecker. Louis sits there fuming the whole time. He didn’t want to be there. At all. Why couldn’t his mom see how much this was hurting him? And to see the twins playing with Daniel as if, well, as if he were their actual dad, it made Louis want to cry and punch him. Daniel will never, ever be his dad.

“Who’s ready for dessert?” Jay asks politely. “Louis would you please help me clear the table?”

Without a word, Louis stands and begins taking people’s plates. He almost skips over Daniel but he decides to play nice.

“Thank you, Louis.” The man says. Louis doesn’t respond. As soon as Louis is out of hearing range, Jay was on him.

“Couldn’t you be just a little nicer to him? C’mon Louis, you’re fifteen. Do you really have to be this dramatic?” She’s aggressively scraping the food into the trash and rinsing the plates off while Louis puts them in the dishwasher.

“Whatever.” He really doesn’t want to talk about this. Honestly, he’s really hurt with how his mom is handling this. But obviously she doesn’t care.

“Look,” She gives him a plate and turns directly to face him. “Whether you like it or not, Daniel isn’t going anywhere. So you should start trying to like him. Or you’re just going to be miserable all the time. He’s my boyfriend, I love him, and he’s going to be joining us for dinner a lot from here on out. Either you get behind it like your little sisters have, or you continue to wallow like a child.”

Suddenly Louis isn’t in the mood for dessert anymore. He finishes putting the dishes away and makes to leave.

“Where are you going?” Jay asks, sounding as if she had no idea how much her words hurt Louis.

“Not in the mood for dessert.” He whispers, clearly upset.

Once he’s up in his room, he calls Harry.

“Hey,” Harry answers on the third ring.

“Hey.” Louis’ voice is shaky.

Harry must immediately notices that he’s distraught, and asks, “What’s wrong, love?” sounding so concerned.

“I need a hug,” Louis admits as the tears start to spill over. He hates crying, hates it with a passion. But with Harry, it’s different. He still hates it but not really in the same way.

“Do you want me to come over? Or you can come over here? I’ll give you like a thousand hugs the second I see you.”

“Harry.” Louis blushes, smiling at the pillow he’s hugging to his chest. His stomach feels fluttery as he thinks of being in Harry’s arms. “I don’t know. Mom’s pretty upset with me right now.”

“Is this about that guy again?” Harry asks, sounding protective. Louis secretly loves it when Harry gets like this.

“Yeah.”  Louis admits, biting his lip. “Mom called me a baby for being so dramatic about it.”

“Well she’s being rude to you if I’m being honest.”

“You don’t think that I’m being a too dramatic?” Soft, insecure, vulnerable. It’s something that Louis only lets certain people see.

“No, you’re allowed to not like the guy. And I mean, it must be hard because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that you miss your dad – ”

“I do,” Louis says in a quiet, sad voice. A few more tears spill over as memories with Mark flash through his mind. Louis clears his throat, “But I guess it’s kind of a good thing, I don’t think he’d take too kindly to his son being in musicals.”

“That is some fucked up shit. You deserve parents who will love you know matter what you’re into, who you love, or the decisions you make.”

“I’m going to go, I think my mom’s coming up,” Louis says quickly.

“Are you gonna come over?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’m allowed.” Louis hangs up without another word.

His mom isn’t coming up. He just, sometimes he doesn’t know how to react when Harry is openly supportive of different sexualities. Harry hasn’t explicitly said anything about it, but Louis knows that he is hinting at it. And it really isn’t that Louis hates gay people, he loves Harry. It just, it makes him think and he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want to think, because that always leads to thoughts of his relationship with Eleanor and how unhappy he was with her and how he just fucking isn’t happy with the thought of spending the rest of his life with a girl. But he doesn’t want to think about the other option because then he gets depressed and he just. He can’t.

-

Having Niall in class with him is a blessing and a curse. He and Niall almost never do their work; most of the time, they just sit around and goof off for the entire class period but, at the same flip of a coin, he’s not getting his work done. And he’s not paying attention so he has no idea what’s going on. Needless to say, his grade is a little less than spectacular, even just two weeks after school began.

It’s nearing September which means that Louis really needs to make a decision on what he wants to do. If he were being honest with himself, Harry was right. He didn’t want to quit either program. He wanted to be in the musical again and he wanted to play footie again. But he was so sick of Chris and he was sick of people giving him these looks like they know that he’s hiding something. He just wants to blend in. But people apparently care about him, and not in the way that Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Harry care about him. He’s ‘popular’ or whatever. So there’ll be no blending into the crowd for him.

He honestly didn’t ever think that being on a sports team and being in the musical would make him that popular. He was able to deal with it pretty well and keep his close friends (after some struggle last year) but it is still annoying to have people either acting like you’re some super important person or in cases like Chris, think you’re some scum. And he’d really hoped that with the new year , people would just leave him alone. But obviously that isn’t the case. He’s been ignoring the theater people for as long as possible because he knows Eleanor will be there and he really doesn’t want to see her. They haven’t talked since the break up and considering all that happened that night, Louis really doesn’t want to talk to her. Chris, however, seems to be unavoidable.

The final bell has just rang and Louis and Niall already split. Maura apparently invited Greg over and Niall practically worships the ground that his brother walks on so Niall left as soon as the bell would allow it. Louis is strolling through the halls, on his way to the buses. He and Zayn decided that they’d ride the bus together today, Louis is even going to ask his mom if Zayn can come over later.

“Hey.” Louis doesn’t even have to turn around to know that the voice belongs to Chris. “I’m talking to you.”

Louis turns, trying to not show how terrified he’s become of Chris. “Don’t you have something better to do? Like, I don’t know, practicing your football skills? Heard you barely made the team last – ”

Louis’ interrupted by Chris shoving him against a wall. “If you knew what’s good for you, you’d shut the fuck up.”

“What do you want?” Louis asks, still putting on a mean face.

“Just wanted to make sure you know that I haven’t forgotten the time that I let you hit me. And that I haven’t gotten you back yet. But I will soon.” And with those chilling words, Chris stalks off.

Louis is shaken. He still doesn’t remember what possessed him to beat the crap out of Chris but he regrets it now. Chris just, he just fucking threatened him! When he finally gets on the bus and sits next to Zayn, he thought he’d contained his emotions about what just happened. But apparently not.

“Mate, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Zayn comments as the bus pulls away from the school.

“Don’t feel good.” Louis wraps an arm around his stomach, utilizing his acting skills. If any of them found out that Chris is still giving him trouble, he would look pathetic. Like, he still hasn’t taken care of it. He’ll look weak. And he really can’t deal with that.

“’m sorry. Do you still want me to come over? We can just do it tomorrow if you’re not feeling well,” Zayn says, looking so concerned. Louis almost cracks a smile and starts laughing. But he can’t.

“Yeah, I think I just want to go home and have meself a nap,” Louis agrees, feeling guilty. It really isn’t that he doesn’t want to hang out with Zayn, it’s just. After what happened with Chris, he just doesn’t feel like putting on a happy face.

When he gets home, the house is oddly silent. He finds a note on the fridge for him.

‘Boobear,

I had Daniel pick up the girls. Got called in for a late shift. He’s going to order pizza. BE NICE!! Love you, mom.’

Louis hears a loud laugh and it startles him, nearly making him drop the note. For a second, he’s confused. Until he sees movement outside through the kitchen window. And then he sees Daisy running, screaming and laughing. Not two seconds after she’d disappeared from his view, Louis sees Daniel running after, this huge smile on his face.

He isn’t sure why he does it, but Louis lets the note fall to the floor and silently makes his way to the backdoor, opening it just enough so that he can peer outside without being noticed. Louis watches all four of his sisters laughing and running around. It looks like they’re playing some form of tag and everyone is just having the greatest fucking time. It’s torture for him to watch. His eyes are spilling over before he even realizes that they were filling. It’s not fair, it’s not fair. That’s all that Louis can think. Don’t they remember Mark? He’s their real dad. Is he the only one that still cares?

Louis looks up, realizing that Daniel has started running towards the door. Louis slams the door and starts running back through the house, trying to pretend that he was doing anything but creeping on that whole stupid situation. He curses his short legs when Daniel easily catches up to him. Louis has only made it to the kitchen before Daniel is behind him.

“Louis,” He calls, almost sounding out of breath. “Why don’t you come outside?”

“Because I’ve got better things to do.” Louis doesn’t turn around to face him, he doesn’t want Daniel to see the tear tracks down his face. This is the first time that Louis’ ever directly talked to Daniel and he’s confident that it’ll be the last.

“Listen Louis, I know I’m not your father – ”

“No. You aren’t.” Louis interrupts. A few more traitor tears start to fall down his cheeks.

“What do you say I take you out to dinner some time? Just you and me.” He offers it in such a nice way, like he’s actually being genuine. Still, Louis isn’t interested.

“What makes you think that I’d want that?” He sasses, back still turned away from Daniel.

“Well the offer will always be open. I’ve got to get back to your sisters.”

“Yeah.” Louis accidentally sniffles and he hopes that Daniel doesn’t think that he is crying. No way does he want Daniel to think that Louis is crying because of him. “You do that.”

Louis skips dinner that night. He doesn’t really feel that hungry. He is proud of himself that he doesn’t call Harry. Honestly, he wants to. But Harry would’ve made things worse. Because Harry’s voice always gave him the fluttery stomach and he was getting more and more scared of what that meant. Harry confuses him honestly. He makes Louis feel all these things that Louis’ afraid to look too deeply into.

-

“Lou,” Zayn says that next Friday at school. “I’ve got some bad news.”

“What?” Louis’ heart rate instantly rises, thinking of all the things that Zayn could say. The two of them are sitting at the lunch table waiting for the bell to ring. When Zayn lowers his voice, Louis has to lean in to hear.

“I got grounded.” Zayn says. “My mom found my browser history on my laptop. So um, you can’t stay the night tonight.”

“Oh.” Louis’ cheeks turn pink thinking about what could have been on his browser history that got him grounded. “Wait! Mom and Daniel wanted a night alone tonight! We were all supposed to be out of the house. There’s no way in hell that I’m spending the night with just the two of them!”

“Sorry.” Zayn shrugged. “You could see if one of the other boys will have you.”

And so that’s what he did. He went to Niall next, figuring it would be nice to hang with Niall again. Outside of their math class together, the two hadn’t been able to spend much time with each other. But he doesn’t get to think about that for too long because when he asks Niall, he’s shot down.

“Sorry bro, da’s coming over tonight.” Which, Louis understands.

Next he goes to Liam. He stayed at Liam’s house not that long ago but he also felt like Liam was pretty busy recently due to the fact that he’d decided to take a few honors classes. But again, he’s shot down.

“I can’t. I-I’ve got a thing.” Liam’s eyes are shifty and Louis instantly knows that he’s lying.

“I can tell when you’re lying.” Louis sighs. “Do you just not want to hang out?”

“It’s not that, I swear!” Liam denies with big puppy eyes. “You have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone.”

“Oh no,” Louis gasps. “Is that about,” his voice goes soft and he leans closer to Liam. “The thing you told me the other day?”

“What?” Liam looks confused for all of two seconds. “No! It’s not that. I … I joined the mathletes.”

“You…joined…the mathletes?” Louis repeats slowly, making sure that he heard him correctly.

“I get tons of extra credit for it and they really needed the help! Don’t make fun of me!” Liam pouts.

“I’m not making fun. It’s awesome. And it’ll look good on college apps. You don’t have to hide it either.” Louis says, making sure that Liam understands that being smart is not something that he should be ashamed of.

“Thanks.” Liam smiles and then pulls Louis into a hug. “You still can’t tell anyone though.”

Once his moment with Liam is over, Louis realizes that he still doesn’t have a place to stay. So he goes to Harry. Honestly, he was hoping this would happen. As much as his brain tells him to avoid it, his heart wants nothing more than to spend the weekend, and more, with Harry.

It’s the end of the day before Louis gets the chance to talk to Harry. Harry’s waiting on the bench outside for his mom to pick him up when Louis plops down beside him. Harry smiles pleasantly at Louis.

“To what do I owe the honor?” He smiles.

“Can I stay the night at your house tonight? It’s kind of urgent. Mom’s got the place alone with Daniel and I’d really rather not be there.” Louis scoots a little closer to Harry, their thighs touching.

“Of course. It doesn’t have to be urgent. Mom was saying the other day that you should come over again. I feel like you haven’t been to my house in a long time.”

“Yes!” Louis nearly shouts, grabbing Harry in a hug. “You’re my favorite!”

“You’re my favorite too, obviously.”

-

Louis had honestly forgotten how much actual fun it was to stay the night at Harry’s house. Anne is the best cook ever so dinner is always delicious. And she’s a lot less strict than Jay so that’s a nice break. And in general, hanging out with Harry is such a relief. It’s like, when he’s not with Harry, all he can think about is that he shouldn’t think too deep about the feelings he gets. But when he’s actually with Harry, he forgets all about what he should and shouldn’t do, he just is.

He doesn’t worry when the two of them are cuddle during the movie. Actually, he falls asleep in Harry’s arms and it’s easily the best feeling he’s ever felt. Feeling Harry’s tight, strong arms wrap around him, leaning back into Harry’s hard chest, it feels like home.

“Babe,” Harry shakes Louis awake. “C’mon, let’s go upstairs.” He says it in such a soft, fond voice that Louis smiles despite the fact that Harry woke him up.

“Carry me.” Louis complains, still not opening his eyes. Harry doesn’t even hesitate to fit his arms under Louis’ thighs but Louis stops him. “I wasn’t being serious.”

“Sure you weren’t.” Harry laughs but he lets Louis get up. He places a hand on Louis’ lower back, gently guiding him up the stairs and to his room.

Louis isn’t paying much attention, he strips down to his boxers. Normally when Louis stays at Harry’s house, he wears actual pajamas but he is too tired to search through his bag. Besides, Harry always sleeps in only his boxers so it isn’t that weird.

He crawls into Harry’s bed, snuggling under the covers. Louis won’t admit it, but he’s always loved snuggling up with Harry’s pillow, it smelled like the shampoo he uses. It’s quiet as Harry climbs into bed after having stripped to his boxers himself.

“Harry?” Louis asks into the quiet.

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna cuddle?” Louis plays with the sheet under his hands to distract from how vulnerable the question makes him feel.

“Literally always.” Harry declares, moving onto his side to pull Louis into him so that Louis’ back is pressed to Harry’s chest.

“Hey, Harry?” Louis asks again, hand resting on the arm that Harry has thrown over Louis.

“Hm?”

“I’m scared of what I feel.” Louis isn’t even sure why he says it. It isn’t untrue; in fact it’s probably the most honest, vulnerable thing that he’s ever shared with Harry. And he doesn’t regret it, he doesn’t feel weaker. The only thing he is terrified of is what Harry’s reaction will be.

“What do you feel?” Harry asks, arms tightening around Louis. And, okay. Louis really wasn’t expecting Harry to ask that question. For a moment, he isn’t sure how to answer.

“I feel … I feel things that I don’t want to think about. Like. I avoid thinking about it because I know that it means something and I’m, it scares me.” Louis’ cheeks burn ever so slightly, the tips of his ears heating up.

“Well,” Harry sighs, scooting closer to Louis so that there isn’t a centimeter of space between them. “All feelings are valid, even the scary ones.”

The conversation dies after that and eventually they fall asleep.

-

When Louis wakes up, it’s still dark. He is disoriented for all of two seconds before he realizes that Harry’s pressed up against his back still. And, he registers a few seconds later, Harry is moving and –

Louis gasps audibly both from sensation and from shock. Harry has an erection and it’s pressed up against Louis’ bum.

“Harry,” Louis whispers. Harry doesn’t respond, he just continues to rub himself up against Louis.

Out of pure instinct, Louis reaches down to touch himself. And he gasps again when he feels that he also has an erection. Louis panics. It’s clear from the slow breaths that Harry is asleep. What is he supposed to do?

Louis’ breathing gets a bit labored because Harry doesn’t stop with the rubbing and it feels good. Oh fucking god, it feels good. And for some reason, this is the moment that everything comes crashing down on him.

Right here in Harry’s bed, with Harry rubbing up against him while they both have erections, is the moment that it truly hits Louis like a brick wall. He’s gay. He’s so fucking gay. He never wanted to date Eleanor; he never wanted to do things with her. He looks into his future and his endgame isn’t a wife with huge breasts and a vagina. He wants this, wants to lean back into a distinctly male torso and the…penis. He wants all of it.

For a moment, Louis just lays there, tears filling his eyes. He’s still not sure how to handle what is currently happening. But when Harry pushes against him hard enough that Harry’s penis slips between his cheeks and Louis moans out loud, feeling his penis twitch, he knows that he needs to get out of this. He needs to get out of this bed because if he stays much longer, he may ejaculate and that would be easily the most mortifying experience of his life.

So Louis worms his way out of Harry’s grasp, thanking his lucky stars that it doesn’t jostle Harry awake. He may have died if Harry’d woken in that moment. Louis is already feeling so overwhelmed that if Harry seeing him like this were added to the mix, well he may have another panic attack.

Glancing at the clock, Louis reads 5:03 am. Quickly as possible, Louis gathers some clothes and runs to the shower. He turns on the water, cold as ice. The only internet search that was even remotely something his mom would ground him for was when he’d asked Google how to make erections go away.

He finishes his shower pretty quickly but Louis doesn’t get out of the shower for a while. He just sits down in the bathtub, letting the freezing water pelt into his skin as he cries. He cried for all the times Chris had given him trouble; he cries for all the people who’d figured it out before him. He cried for all the time wasted with Eleanor; he cries for Fiz, hoping that she’ll never have to go through what he is. But most of all, he cries for Mark. It isn’t a secret that Louis misses Mark, wishes he would just come back to his family. But sitting in that shower, Louis realizes. If Mark came back, he would probably never look at Louis the same again. He’d be losing his dad twice. And Louis’ heart shatters at that thought.

-

When September comes around, Louis has decided that he’s going to do both the musical – which he hears is The Suessical this year – and try out for football. He’ll never forget how busy he was last year and being super busy again is just the distraction that he needs.

“Niall,” Louis says one day in their geometry class as they’re supposed to be studying for an upcoming quiz. “Do you want to come to my audition tonight? Harry came with me last year but I miss hanging out with you so I was wondering if you wanted to come? You don’t have to; it’s just nice to have like, moral support.”

“Is Zayn going to be there?” Niall asks simply, not looking up from the paper that he was doodling on.

“No. I can invite him – ”

“No,” Niall snaps. “Don’t. I’ll come. It’s been too long since we’ve hung out anyways.”

Louis throws a cursory glance at Niall, ready to ask why the shade on Zayn but Niall definitely looks as if he doesn’t want to talk about it so Louis lets it be. For now.

They spend the rest of the class period in silence. Louis tries to actually work on his maths assignments but he has no idea what’s going on so he ends up sitting there doing nothing but wallowing in his nerves about the upcoming audition. He really wants to lean on the fact that he made lead last year but he knows that just because you get one big role doesn’t mean that you’ll ever get a role again. And not only that but he’s managed to mostly avoid the theater kids and it’s going to be super awkward seeing them again. And oh god, Eleanor. There is no doubt in Louis’ mind that he’s going to see Eleanor and it’s going to be his own personal version of hell. Not only has he not spoken to her since the breakup but how can he look her in the eyes after he touched her breast? And how is he supposed to act when he has now come to the realization that he actually is gay, just like she said? God, he’s really not looking forward to it.

He actually ends up being late to the audition because Niall wanted to get something out of the vending machines before they went to the auditorium but then Niall realized that he left his money in his locker and they had to walk all the way back. Despite the fact that Louis hates being late, especially to something as important as this audition, he’s actually kind of glad for it. It means that he has no time to visit with anyone; he is just thrown a script and then put into a group. The auditions go exactly the same as they did the year before, with a group doing a random scene and then a solo in front of the drama teacher. She looks thrilled when Louis is yet again the first to volunteer to sing.

Once he’s finished, he leaves the auditorium. He remembers last year feeling that he was bound to not make it based upon the drama teacher’s reaction but he’s learned that she’s just like that. When Eleanor walks out the door after him, Louis is hit with a wave of déjà vu.

“Hey.” Her soft, slightly awkward tone is a harsh contrast to how it was just the year before.

“Hey.” Louis smiles at her, fiddling with his fringe so that his hands are busy.

“Oh god,” She sighs. “Can we please not do this? Yes, we dated. And yes we broke up. But c’mon. We were friends. And we both know that we’re getting into the musical. So we’re going to have to be spending a lot of time together. How about we just go back to being friends instead of awkwardly avoiding each other?”

“Louis!” Niall yells, coming running down the hallway. “You were so good! I know you’re going to get a part again, you have to. Oh.” He says when he notices Eleanor next to Louis. “You.”

“Niall,” Louis warns, already sensing what was about to happen.

“No, Louis, it’s all good.” Niall puts his hand up, stopping Louis from saying anything further. “This guy right here is my absolute best friend and you hurt him, that shit was not okay.”

“Niall!”

“No, it’s okay Louis,” Eleanor says, pasting a smile onto her face. “He’s right. I’m sorry.”

“You’re damn right you’re sorry.”

“Oh my god,” Louis sighs loudly and drags Niall away to where they were waiting for his mom to come pick them up. “Why the fuck would you say that?!”

“Because,” Niall states, not even bothered in the slightest. “You were never going to and she needed to hear it.”

Before they have time to discuss it any further, the van is pulling up. Louis jogs over and then gasps, realizing that it’s not his mom who’s driving.

“What are you doing here?” Is the first thing that Louis says as he gets into the van.

“Your mom got called in. She asked me to pick you up,” Daniel replies and honestly, Louis doesn’t know how the man hasn’t fucking blown his shit at Louis yet. He definitely has more patience than Louis, that’s for damn sure.

“Are – are you staying for dinner?” Louis asks as they pull up to his house.

“Yup.” He exhales. “I’m watching you and the girls for the night.”

“But like, don’t you have your own house? Must be collecting dust by now.” Dammit, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Lou,” Niall nearly gasps.

“I do,” Daniel answers, holding the door open for the boys. “But I’d much rather be spending time with all of you.”

“Makes one of us.” Louis murmurs quietly but he knows that Daniel doesn’t hear it because the second they walk through the door, Daisy and Phoebe are attached to Daniel’s legs.

“It’s not fair that you got to stay late at school and I had to watch these monsters,” Lottie complains bitterly from the couch.

“You watched them for like ten minutes while Daniel was picking me up. I’ve been babysitting you lot for like, my entire life.” He ignores whatever else she has to say in favor of going up to his room.

Niall actually forces them to work on their homework which is what confirms for Louis that something is definitely up with him. Louis doesn’t think too much on it though, Niall will tell him when he’s ready to. And Louis gets easily distracted by trying to finish his homework and text Harry.

Except, Niall keeps getting calls that he doesn’t answer. By the twentieth time that Louis has to reread a sentence, he snaps.

“Alright who are you pissed at? My guess is Zayn. What’s going on?” Louis sighs, putting his own phone down even though he still has to text Harry back.

“It is Zayn,” Niall admits with a frustrated groan. “We’re in our first actual fight.”

“Wait, really? You two have been together for five months and you haven’t fought at all?” Louis astounds. But then again, the only relationship he knows of is the noxious marriage of Jay and Mark.

“I mean, we’ve had our little spiffs but this is our first serious fight.”

“What happened?” Louis shamelessly pries.

“I don’t know if you really want to know – ”

“I do!”

“Zayn lied to me about being a virgin.”

“O-oh,” Louis stutters.

“See, told you that you didn’t want to know.” Niall’s face contorts into an ‘I told you so’ look and Louis decides that he does want to talk about it. He’s tired of feeling like a freak because of his feelings towards sex.

“No, it’s okay, we can talk about it. And before you ask, yes I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Niall takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly before he continues. “When we first talked about sex, I admitted to him that I was a virgin and he said that he was too. So when we finally did have sex, I was going on and on about how romantic it was that we were each other’s firsts and god, now I just feel so…so stupid and betrayed! How could he lie to me about something like this? So no, I’m not answering his calls.”

“’m sorry, Nialler,” Louis consoles, patting Niall’s arm lightly. “At least he’s telling you the truth now?”

“I’m really not in the mood hear that,” He states grumpily.

“Wait,” Louis says, suddenly realizing. “You were a virgin?”

“Yeah. Does that like surprise you or something?” Niall seems amused which is a surprise. He’d been under the impression that being a virgin at his age was something to be ashamed of.

“Kind of.” Louis confesses. “Wait so that means I’m the only virgin left in the group!” He hadn’t meant to say that bit out loud.

“But…I thought that you had sex with Eleanor?” Niall questions, not really looking all that surprised.

“Oh.” He takes a deep breath and then, “I lied. Don’t be mad at me too. I just, I was afraid because I didn’t – ” Louis cuts himself short, knowing that it’d create some suspicion if he gave away any further information on the subject.

“Lou, I won’t be mad at you for that. I’m mad at Zayn because I actually had sex with him, that’s a totally different thing. Plus, I knew anyway. I could just tell that you weren’t telling the truth when you first told us.”

“So you don’t think that I’m pathetic?” Louis asks in a small voice. He couldn’t help but voice the insecurity.

“What? No!” Niall immediately pulls Louis into a side hug. “I know that you have … issues with that stuff.”

“So how long are you going to ice Zayn out?” Louis quickly changes the subject.

“I don’t know.” Niall exhales. “I do miss him.”

“’m sorry.” Louis says as Niall rests his head on Louis’ shoulder.

“Remember when we were just tykes throwing sand at Lottie or annoying the shit out of Greg? We were quite the team, man.” Niall reminisces with a sad smile.  

“We still are, Ni. We still are.”

-

Louis shows up to the football tryouts, kind of nervous. He knows that Chris will be here. And he probably knows that Louis tried out for the musical again. Honestly, Louis just wants to get through this and get home. All four of the boys are going over to Harry’s house for the weekend because it’s been a while since all of them have been able to hang out. Niall’s trying out again too, which makes Louis happy so at least if Chris tries to give him trouble, Louis won’t be alone.

Before try outs even began, Coach gives a lecture about how important team is and blah, blah, blah. It is rough, yet again. It’s like one of their normal practices though, running drills and practicing passing the ball, and shirts versus skins. All Louis could think throughout the entire try out was that he is so glad he decided to do this again. Football has always been a great way for him to relieve his stress.

When Louis is dressing out of his football clothes, what he’s been dreading happens.

“Tomlinson,” Chris says, venom dripping.

“Evans.” Louis tries to imitate his tone of voice.

“I think it’s about time that I pay you back,” He says, gripping Louis’ bare shoulder and turning him around.

That’s when Louis notices that the entire locker room is empty. This really shouldn’t have surprised him. With as much time as he’s spent in the locker room, he’d thought that he’s become more comfortable with being there, but he still feels awkward around a whole bunch of naked dudes; and even more so he’d realized out, now that he’s grasped that he’s gay. He’s developed this irrational fear that people will just know. Well, maybe he’s always had that. Anyway, because of this, he’d decided to wait a bit before changing.

“Chris, please just leave me alone,” Louis pretty much pleads. Chris has been becoming increasingly scary. If Chris actually hits Louis, he’s going to have to come up with some shit excuse as to why he’s bruised. Fuck.

“And why would I do that, pretty boy?” He asks, moving closer so that he was so that he was only an inch or two from Louis’ face.

“Because I’ll tell Coach!” Okay, so maybe saying that he is going to tell Coach probably isn’t the greatest of ideas, but he’s panicking.

“You do that,” Chris says with a shove, an actual shove that makes Louis collide with the lockers behind him, wincing in pain. “And I tell everyone what a fucking faggot you are. Tell the entire school that you like it up – ”

“Okay,” Louis says in a shaky voice. “Fine. Fucking hit me and get it over with.”

Louis closes his eyes, trying to brace himself for the blow. But, it never comes. Instead, Chris whispers in his ear,

“You know what? You aren’t even worth it.” His nasty breath sent shivers down Louis’ spine and Louis’ heart instantly drops.

As he watched Chris leave, tears spring into Louis’ eyes. He’s not even worth it. Of all the things that Chris has said to him, that is by far the worst. But he knows that Niall is waiting for him, probably already in his mom’s van – Maura (unlike her son) is very punctual. So he puts his shirt on, wincing at the soreness due to being shoving. There are going to be bruises, he is sure of it.

When he gets out, he finds that he was right in assuming that Maura is already there. He jumps in the back with an apology.

“Sorry I took so long, I got … held up.”

“No worries, Louis.” Maura smiles at him through the rearview mirror. Louis smiles back; Maura had always been like a second mom to him, she is pretty much the sweetest lady in the entire world.

The other boys are all there by the time that Louis and Niall arrive. They’re all watching some music video down in Harry’s basement when Louis walks down the stairs behind Niall. Everyone erupts in cheers when they see he and Niall.

“Babe!” Zayn yells, running over to him as if they hadn’t seen each other in months rather than a few hours.

They must have made up, Louis thinks, if they are all touchy-feely now.

“How were the tryouts?” Liam asks as they all make their way over to the couch, squeezing all five of them onto it.

Louis says, “Awesome,” at same time as Niall says, “Brutal.” The two look at each other and then start laughing.

“See, that’s the difference between the Tommo and I. He goes fucking hard on the field. He doesn’t mess around. I just make sure no ball makes it into the net.”

“Hey, no, the goalie is im – ” Louis tries but is interrupted by Niall.

“I know, I know. You’ve given me this speech before.” Niall rolls his eyes but there’s a smile on his lips. “I’m pretty much the most important one. You don’t have to tell me twice.”

“You guys are fucking dumb.” Harry laughs his rugged laugh and suddenly Louis is distracted.

Louis is squished between Zayn and Harry and he doesn’t even really realize that he scoots a little closer to Harry. However, when he does that, it rubs against his sore back in a wrong way that has him wincing.

“What’s the matter?” Harry questions, looking like a mother protecting her young (as he often looks).

“’s nothing,” Louis denies quickly, averting his eyes. “Just got some sore muscles.”

“Do you want me to give you a massage?” Harry is already putting his hands on Louis’ shoulders as best he can in their position. But Louis stops him.

“No.” As much as he really, honestly enjoys Harry’s massages, he knows that it won’t feel good on his bruises. Plus, he already has images of the last sleep over that he and Harry had, floating through his mind. He really doesn’t need to get aroused. Which is probably what would happen. “Too sore at the mo.”

“Okay.”

“Hey!” Liam outbursts suddenly. “We should play Never Have I Ever!!”

“I’d be okay with that,” Niall says.

“Me too,” Harry and Zayn say in unison.

“Sure?” Louis sighs. He’s heard of this game. They mostly played it at all those parties that he was never invited to in middle school. Or so he’s heard.

“Okay, so obviously you guys know that you have your ten fingers up and then you say something that you’ve never done and if someone’s done it, they put a finger down – ”

“And whoever runs out of fingers first is the baddest bitch of them all,” Zayn interrupts with a wicked smile.

“Alright.” Liam laughs. “I’ll go first. Never have I ever… kissed a boy.”

Niall, Harry, and Zayn all put their fingers down, mumbling some explicative words at Liam.

“Never have I ever been in weights class.” Niall throws back at Liam, sticking his tongue out at him.

“Oh piss off,” Liam says, putting his finger down.

“Never have I ever drank alcohol,” Zayn says, smiling evilly over at Niall.

Both Niall and Harry put a finger down.

“Um,” Louis says hesitantly. “Never have I ever…worn girls’ clothes.”

To his surprise, both Zayn and Harry put their fingers down.

“Really?” Niall asks Zayn, with a look on his face. “We’ll have to revisit that later – ”

“Ew,” Liam interrupts. “Do not need that visual.”

“Never have I ever …” Harry trails off, obviously thinking of something to say. “Wanked off to the thought of a girl.”

The other three put their fingers down but Louis is too caught up trying to remember what wank meant. By the time that he remembers, it’s too late and they’ve already moved on.

When the game ends, Harry being the winner, Louis has only two fingers down. (Never been the oldest and never been in a  relationship with a girl, both said by Harry which made Louis think he’d said those things on purpose because Louis was getting a little anxious at the fact that he hadn’t done pretty much any of the things everyone else had).

Instead of sleeping up in Harry’s room, the five of them pull out air mattresses, situating them right next to each other so that it was one giant bed. Louis crawled into the tiny space between Harry and Liam.

“No fucking you guys,” Liam groans tiredly, still smiling.

“No promises,” Niall whispers and then immediately starts laughing.

“If you wake my mom up – ” Harry starts but Louis has to interrupt him.

“Please,” He scoffs. “Your mom is the nicest.”

“You haven’t woken her up in the middle of the night before. It’s like she’s a damn demon or something.”

After everyone’s quiet laughs at what Harry said has quieted down, people start drifting off. First is Zayn, Louis can tell because Zayn does this weird little snuffle thing when he sleeps. Then Niall and Liam pretty much go at the same time.

Just as he’s sure that Harry’s asleep, Louis scoots closer to him.

“Wanna cuddle?” Harry whispers.

“Didn’t think you were awake,” Louis murmurs back, lovingly accepting Harry’s cuddle request.

“Was waiting for you to go to sleep. Something’s bothering you, isn’t it?”

“You know me too well,” Louis says in lieu of an actual answer.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.” Louis decides. “Just wanna cuddle.”

“I wish I could cuddle you every night.”

“Me too.” Louis smiles into Harry’s chest, pushing into him further. He likes to be right up against Harry.

“I wish I could do other things with you too.”

“Like what?” Louis asks, heart pounding wantonly.

“Maybe you’ll find out eventually. But for now we need to sleep.”

-

That following Monday, Louis and Niall go to check the list. They both make it on the team again. As does Chris. But the two of them are still excited nonetheless. And Niall also goes with him to check the list for the musical (or should he say, The Suessical. Jesus that’s something Harry would say).

As Louis reads over the list, his smile grows. There are no callbacks at all this year. But! He got the part of The Cat in the Hat! Which is one of the male leads.

“I did it,” Louis says softly.

“I knew it!” Niall yells, pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re so fucking talented! I knew you’d make it in! C’mon, we’ve got to go tell the others!”

-

Again, Coach and the drama teacher get together to work out a schedule so that he can regularly attend practice and rehearsal. He’s got something going on pretty much every night of the week, minus the weekends. So basically, he is in for a large amount of stress.

It isn’t hard for Louis to slip into a routine of sleeping instead of doing homework. He tries though, he really does. Instead of talking with his group before classes start in the morning, he hides out in the library trying to get his reading assignments done; instead of playing games waiting for his mom (or, as of more recently Daniel) to pick him up, he reads through his history textbooks. He’s trying to keep his grades up, it’s just that sophomore year is harder than his freshman year was academically. And he’s just so tired. As soon as he’s finished with dinner, he heads up to bed to crash. Though he’d never admit it out loud, Louis is actually kind of glad to have Daniel around – no babysitting duty. Still though, it’s two weeks into the juggling of the musical and footie and Louis’ already slipping.

There’s a knock on Louis’ door, just mere seconds before he was about to drift off. “Lou,”

Immediately, Louis is out of bed, opening his door. It’s Lottie and Louis can tell by the sound of her voice that something is up.

“Hey,” He says, putting on his soft voice that he only lets certain people hear. “What’s up Lots?”

“Do you.” She stops, sits in the chair of his desk and fiddles with some loose papers. “You hate Daniel.”

“No – ” Louis tries to deny because he can see that that’s what his sister needs.

“I could tell that she met someone before we met him.” She continues, talking over Louis. “She started singing in the shower. And she started cooking something other than beef and noodles. All those fancy dresses, I just knew… She never used to do that stuff around da – Mark. All they ever did was yell at each other. Remember when you’d let me and Fiz come sleep in your bed and you’d sing to us to distract us from their yelling?”

“Mhm.” Louis hums in agreement, thinking back to those days, both the girls curled into him, smiling through their tears.

“You’re my favorite brother, you know,” She tells, not making eye contact with him.

“Well, I’m also your only brother.” Louis smiles. But, “Is something bothering you with Daniel?”

“No,” She admits in a small voice. “I actually fucking like him.”

“Language.” He reprimands, making a mental note to watch his own language around his sisters.

“I’m tired of waiting for dad to come home. Aren’t you?” And the way she says it, Louis just knows that that is what she wanted to say, the thing that had been eating at her.

“I don’t know,” He settles for saying because he really doesn’t know how to respond. He isn’t, that’s the thing; he would wait for his dad to come back forever. He can’t tell Lottie that because the thing is, he knows that waiting for him is a lost cause. And he can’t give his little sister hope when he knows what will happen. But Louis will have hope forever.

“Mom loves him, Daniel, I mean,” Lottie says into the silence. “So do the twins. I don’t think they even remember dad very much. And I’m not sure how Fiz feels because she’s pretty much permanently pissed at me but I’m pretty sure she’s okay with him…Mom told me that they’ve been together since Valentine’s Day. That’s like, a little over seven months – ”

“I don’t care how long they’ve been together. Doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

“But you actually hate him,” Lottie says pointedly.

“Which I reserve the right to do.” Louis couldn’t help the bit of sass that had crept into his tone.

“But Daniel is so much nicer – ”

“You didn’t know dad like I did!” Louis bursts, standing up, with his hands thrown in the air. “You didn’t know – ”

“You’re right.” She stands up too, showing her own Tomlinson colors. “All I knew was the yelling and the crying. Oh, and I also remember mom almost losing her job because she could barely get out of bed for a month after Mark left. That is what I know.”

Louis watches her walk out and slam the door behind her. He also hears her start to cry. The real kicker though, is when he hears Daniel come up the stairs and start to comfort her. It hurts. And for the first time since rehearsals and practice started, Louis can’t sleep. He lies in bed, watching the clock pass the hours by.

It’s nearing one in the morning when Louis decides he’s going to do it. He’s been staring at Mark’s contact information for the past half hour. He’s going to do it, he’s going to call Mark and then everyone’s going to realize that he’s sorry and that he really just needed the chance to come back.

He can barely breathe when he presses on the green call button. It rings and rings and rings. Eventually, it goes to voicemail,

“You’ve reached Mark Tomlinson, sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.”

“Hey.” Louis can’t breathe still. He knows that he sounds weird. “Um, dad. I was just calling because um, I miss you. I’d really like to see you sometime. Also I’m sorry for calling so late, you must be aslee – ”

He’s cut off by the machine. Louis sighs, throwing his phone across the room. Nearly an hour later, Louis’ eyes finally shut.

-

He is a zombie. Like, a literal zombie. Honestly, he almost skips school. But he’s got too many responsibilities to just blow the day off. Not to mention that he actually has school work that he really needs to get done. Grades are important in the Tomlinson household and if Louis doesn’t do well, Jay may not allow him to do the musical and footie next year. And that would just be a tragedy.

All day, Louis is religiously checking his phone for any word back from Mark. He’d probably just been busy, that’s all. He’s probably at work or something. Or maybe he knows that Louis is in school and he’s waiting until Louis gets out to call him back.  That’s probably it.

Rehearsals are a bit rough. Eleanor won’t stop complaining about how it’s her senior year and she didn’t even get a lead. She got the part of Cindy Lou Who. Which is actually just a supporting role. And so everyone has to listen to the drama teacher and Eleanor bicker until eventually, Eleanor leaves early. And then there’s a really tense, awkward silence where no one knows what to do. It becomes clear though, that the drama teacher isn’t taking shit from anyone else.

Louis accidentally skips a line during the reading and she goes off.

“I better not have made a mistake casting you as one of my leads, Tomlinson. Get it together. It’s certainly not too late to ask your understudy to step in. And,” She stops him just as he is opening his mouth to reply. “Don’t smart mouth me. ‘ve you taken too many balls to head or what? Now, work on your lines. Have them down or I will replace you.”

Everyone around him is snickering and Louis is mortified. He knew that she could be a bitch occasionally but damn, never like that. Biting back the urge to cry, Louis goes over his script, making sure that he doesn’t skip a line at all.

By the time that it’s over, Louis’ never felt more discouraged about his acting abilities in his life. And to add to the negative feelings, he checks his phone only to see a few messages from Harry and one from Liam. None from Mark. But Louis’ sure that there’s a good reason for it.

Daniel picks him up again. Daniel actually doesn’t say anything but this time it’s Louis who starts the conversation.

“Thanks,” Is what Louis says and he swears that Daniel almost slams on the breaks. “Um, for. Last night. I heard you. You were talking to Charlotte. And that was … really nice of you.”

“Louis,” Daniel says and Jesus he almost sounds like he’s about ready to cry. So obviously he has to make sure that he and Daniel are still on the same page.

“I still don’t like you though.”

Daniel doesn’t say much after that.

At dinner that night, Jay is absent, due to work. And for some reason, Louis really is missing her. Maybe it’s the fact that she always answers his calls no matter what. But whatever. Either way, he finishes last out of everyone and he actually does the washing up. He’s absolutely knackered but he’s got this yearning feeling for his mom. So he forces himself to stay up for as long as possible, brings his school work to the table even. And he actually works on it for a bit but eventually, he’s drooling all over his textbook.

He’s shaken to consciousness, nearly opens his eyes but then he hears Jay start talking about him.

“My poor boy.” And Louis can hear the smile in her voice. “He puts himself through a lot.”

“He thanked me today,” Comes Daniel’s voice; he sounds so proud of himself.

“Baby, that’s great!”

“And then he reminded me that he still doesn’t like me.”

“Just have to give him time. You’ve got to let him come to you.”

“Fuck that,” Louis grumbles, opening his eyes. By the look on their faces, they still don’t realize that Louis heard the conversation.

“Louis, language.” Jay lightly grips his elbow. “Now, c’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

“Hey mom?” Louis asks quietly.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“I love you.” Louis hugs her tightly. Hugging her is so familiar, like home. But not in the same way that hugging Harry feels like home. Louis should probably work on thinking about what that actually means. But he won’t.

“Louis.” She hugs him back just as tightly. “My baby boy. I love you too. You’ll always be my little Boobear.”

-

“Bro.” Niall runs up to Louis, out of breath after an intense practice. “Wanna come over? Zayn and the guys are going to come over to my place and have a bit of a study break.”

“Nah,” Louis says through a yawn. “I’m beat. I think I’m gonna head home and take me a nap.”

“Suit yourself.” He shrugs. “We miss you though. This time a year, it always feels like you’re like my imaginary friend or something.”

Louis’ eyebrows scrunch up because he’s actually kind of offended by that. He chooses not to comment though. He’s been down the drama road with all of his friends and he really doesn’t want to back again. Even if he becomes “imaginary” to everyone else during this time of year, he’d go bat shit crazy without his four best mates.

The theater group has been a lot more distant than Louis was expecting, especially after him landing a lead role. Not that he really cared or anything. It’s probably because of Eleanor being furious during like ninety percent of rehearsals, coupled with the fact that the two of them aren’t really talking despite her efforts to become friends.

Louis still hasn’t heard from Mark. But there has to be a reason. There has to be. Louis’ not accepting any other answer.

So, he goes home and goes straight to bed. No dinner, no homework. Just sleep. Sleep is the best escape of all.

-

“So,” Jay asks a few days later at dinner. “How are all of your grades doing?”

Fuck.

“I got an A on my English quiz!” Fiz is quick to pipe up.

As Daisy and Phoebe rant on about first grade, Louis tries to think of something to say. He’s got to think of something to say or else –

“And what about you Louis?”

“Oh um, yeah they’re. Yeah.” Shit. That was not smooth at all. Fuck all his acting. Damn it all to hell.

“Louis.” Jay admonishes. “How bad are they?”

“I’m passing one or two classes.” Louis says with a hopeful smile.

“I swear, Louis William. I will ground you from your phone for the rest of the semester.” She has those stern mom eyes going and Louis is genuinely frightened.

“No!” Thoughts of missing Mark’s phone call or text swirled through Louis’ mind. “I promise I’ll get my grades up, I promise. Please don’t take away my phone, mom, please.”

“You better get them up.”

-

After dinner, Louis is too freaked out to fall right asleep. He needs to think of something. Something that will help him keep his grades up. Maybe he could ask Liam to tutor him. But, Liam has been really busy recently since he’s joined the mathletes. Maybe he could ask Harry. An excited thrill runs through at the thought of spending more time with Harry.

The next day at school, Harry meets Louis in the library.

“What’s up? You said you wanted to talk to me?” He takes a seat next to Louis, folding his legs up in the chair like a pretzel.

“So you don’t have to say yes,” Louis starts. “But um, well. My mom is threatening to take away my phone if I don’t get my grades up. So I was thinking … could you maybe tutor me for a little bit? Like I said, it’s okay if you can’t, I’d totally understand.”

“I mean, I’ve never tutored anyone before so I don’t know how good I’d be at it but I’d love to try.” Harry smiles and then puts his hand over Louis’ on Louis’ leg under the table. “Also, I’m really proud of you, you know.”

“Thanks.” Louis blushes lightly, smiling down at their hands before pulling his away from Harry.

With all that had been going on, he hasn’t really been able to process the fact that he’s gay. And what that actually means. Obviously he knows what it means, but how is it going to affect his relationships? Like, he knows that the boys would all be okay with it but he doesn’t want to think about that because Louis isn’t okay with it. What if he’s the reason that Mark left? What if that’s why he hasn’t called Louis back? And what will his mom say about it? And his sisters? And god, he can never, ever let Chris find out unless he has a death wish.

Except. Chris had told him that he isn’t even worth it. Louis’ shoulders droop. Maybe Chris is right. He’s not worth it.

“Lou?” Harry interrupts Louis’ train of thought. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” He answers, straightening back up. “Fine.”

“So you wanna come over after school? I have to Skype Gems for a bit but we can start the tutoring after if you’d like.”

“Sure. I have practice tonight but I’ll get Daniel to drop me off at yours.”

-

“What’d you get on your test?” Niall asks as they leave their maths class later that day.

“You don’t even want to know.” Louis sighs, folding the test nervously.

“C’mon. I’m sure you didn’t do that bad. I got a C. Can’t be much worse than me.” Niall thrusts his test towards Louis, the big red C  burning into Louis’ brain.

“Yes it can.” He hands his folded test to Niall. Niall gasps quietly when he sees the F. “Yeah, I know, I’m stupid.”

“Hey,” Niall says firmly. “You know that isn’t true. So you got a bad mark. That isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

“But,” Louis defends as they stop at his locker to get more books out. “If I get bad enough marks, Coach could kick me off the team!”

“So you have to work harder. And don’t give me that look. You’re one of the hardest working people I know. You survived last year doing both and keeping good grades. You’ll get it done, you’re Louis Tomlinson for Christ’s sakes.”

“This is why you’re my best friend.” Louis smiles as they start to head down to the locker room for practice.

“Since the womb!” Niall claps him on the back and then they are both laughing hysterically.

-

As usual, Louis waits until the locker room is empty, just twiddling his thumbs until everyone was out. Tonight, since he is going over to Harry’s house, he decides that he’s going to shower. He smells gross anyway.

It’s a bit creepy showering in there when it’s absolutely silent. And Louis literally almost slips and falls when he hears someone sniffle. He turns around but he doesn’t see anyone.  He’s done anyways so he turns off the tap. He quickly gets dressed in the stall and through the mirror, he sees.

Chris is sat on the floor, holding bloody toilet paper to his nose, a few tears falling and mixing in with the blood. When he notices that Louis is staring at him through the mirror, Chris tenses up.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” He spits.

Louis turns around, wanting to fight back with him. But instead, “Are you okay?”

“God you’re such a faggot, all concerned for my feelings.”

“Not your feelings,” Louis corrects. “You’re bleeding. What happened?”

“I fell,” Chris says simply. And Louis isn’t sure that he really believes that.

“I’m sorry,” Louis says, hoping that Chris catches every bit of what he means.

“Why do you care anyways? I-I’m  a dick to you. And you’re Mr. Fucking Popular anyways. Everyone fucking likes you. Why are you even still here?” Chris looks away from him as a few tears trail down his cheeks.  Louis honestly can’t believe his fucking eyes. Is this actually happening?

“I don’t know,” Louis answers because it’s the truth. He has no fucking clue what he’s still doing here, being nice to Chris when he’s been anything but nice to Louis.

“Go,” Chris orders and then he lets out a tiny sob.

“Are you sure – ”

“Just fucking go!”

Louis walks out of that locker room wondering what the fuck just happened. Is he actually just dreaming?

-

“Aaaannd finished!” Louis practically yells in excitement. He stares down at his completed English assignment with pride.

“Do you want me to look over this one too? Although I must say I don’t think it needs it. So far, all of your analyses about To Kill A Mockingbird have been on point. You’re almost caught up now, right?”

“I just have two more left.” Louis beams. They haven’t touched anything except his English assignments because he is farthest behind in that class. They are supposed to be almost finished with the book and Louis hadn’t even started until he showed up at Harry’s. Not truly anyways. He’s read a chapter here and there but he hasn’t actually read it. If that makes any sense.

“So you can start on the next chapter while I go downstairs and get us some dinner,” Harry suggests, getting up to go get them food.

Louis does start reading, though if he’s being honest, he’s sort of done. The book is good but his head hurts and he needs a break. So instead of reading the next chapter, his mind drifts off to his sexuality. Part of Louis is truly envious of Harry. Harry’s become very open and accepting about himself and Louis’ jealous. He posts gay pride things on Facebook all the time and Louis’ too scared to even like the stuff.

Even in Harry’s room, there are rainbow bracelets and he even has a mini rainbow flag taped on his dresser. And even just looking at that stuff just makes an uneasy feeling twist in Louis’ stomach. Because he’s a part of that, a part of that community. Whether he likes it or not. But Louis isn’t sure he’ll ever be at the point that Harry’s at. He doesn’t think he’ll ever ‘come out’ or anything like that.

“Lou, are you okay?” Harry’s voice is soft as he hands Louis his plate.

“Yeah,” Louis answers shortly. He busies himself with digging into the delicious dinner that Anne has made.

“I know you, Louis.” Harry sighs, sitting down next to Louis and completely ignoring his dinner. “Something’s been bothering you for a while. Are you sure that you don’t want to talk about it? Whatever it is, I’ll never judge you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Like, ever,” Louis admits with a shaking voice.  He’s started to shove his food around on the plate more than actually eat it. Just the fact that he isn’t hiding as well makes Louis nervous.

“Okay,” He replies easily. “But if you ever decide that you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

-

Louis wakes up on October first to the sounds of Daisy crying because she got sick all over herself. Jay is still asleep from her night shift so Louis has to help clean her up and write his mom a note to remind her to call the school. He ends up missing his own bus and he knows that if he tried walking to school, he’d get there way later than it is even worth. But not going wasn’t an option. He has rehearsal after school and they are going over the scene with he and JoJo and the bathtub. And Louis honestly really doesn’t care much for the boy they cast as JoJo. He is some little freshman who acted like he deserved to be on Broadway.

So that’s why he actually called Daniel.

“Louis?” Daniel answers his phone, sounding as surprised as if it were the Queen calling him.

“Um hey,” Louis begins awkwardly. “So I missed the bus this morning. Is there any way that you can take me to school? I don’t want to wake up mom. She just got home a few hours ago.”

“Sure thing. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

When Louis finally gets to school, he’s an hour and a half late, already missing a class, he’s yelled at by the office ladies. And then on the way to his class, he literally gets tripped by someone so that his binder falls completely open and all his papers fly out everywhere. And then, to make his day even shittier, the teacher of the class he is in gets super rude with him for being late. And Louis just knows that he’s in for a bad week.

Rehearsal that night, Louis is struggling. JoJo (aka Anthony Rawlings, freshman terror) is practicing his solo in It’s Possible and Louis’ supposed to sing the background. But the drama teacher interrupts before the song can even get halfway through.

“Louis, you’re a bit flat hun,” She informs him, this time actually being nice about it. Probably because Eleanor has resorted to sulking in silence. “Let’s run it again.”

“You’re always flat.” Anthony rolls his eyes rudely. Fuck him.

Once the official rehearsal is over, the teacher announces that they’ll be revisiting Oh the Thinks You can Think, which is pretty much Louis’ song. JoJo is in it a bit but not as much as The Cat in the Hat.

“Who’s skipping with me tomorrow?” Anthony snickers and several other people actually laugh.

Louis’ heart sinks and as he’s packing his things up, it’s all he can do to not cry. Maybe that’s why the theater kids were giving him the silent treatment, because he actually sucks this time around. And just his luck, Daniel isn’t outside when Louis gets there. So he waits on the bench alone. Eventually, his horrible thoughts consume him and he’s crying on the bench. The school is pretty much deserted but he’s still worried that someone will see him.

He barely composes himself when he sees the van coming from down the street.

Louis doesn’t say anything when he gets in the car. In fact, Louis doesn’t even look at Daniel. He stares out the window, trying to sniffle as quietly as possible. Of course, he has never really been a quiet person.

“Are you alright, Louis?” Daniel asks when they’d pull up in the driveway. Louis just nods, still looking away. “Well, I may not be your dad but you can always come to me and I’ll be here.”

Louis gets out of the car, tears coming down even worse now. He runs straight up to his room and slams the door behind him. Once he’s behind the safety of his door, Louis lets out the sobs he’s been weakly holding back.

He just feels like shit. He feels so different than everyone else, so alone. Like, no one can understand everything he is going through. He still hasn’t gotten any messages from Mark. He is trying to deal with the fact that his mom is in love with someone who isn’t his dad. He is in over his head with this fucking musical. And he’s tense every time he turns a corner, hoping he doesn’t see his bully who doesn’t even think Louis’ worth a punch. And. He’s gay. He fucking hates it. All this shit that’s happened to him.

“Why?” Louis whispers out loud to himself. Why can’t he just be normal? Why can’t he just want to hold a girl’s hand and get married to her and have children with her? And it’s the first time that Louis really realizes that children may not be in his future. He knows that he wants kids, he wants little hyper blue eyed monsters that have that Tomlinson sass. He wants to be a dad. But how can he do that if he won’t ever be with a girl and the mere thought of being in a relationship with a guy makes Louis’ stomach churn with nerves?

He goes to sleep that night with a pounding headache from how hard he was crying.

-

The next day at school, Louis is obviously off his game but this time he doesn’t have the energy to care.

“Louis, are you going to work on your maths homework?” Harry asks in the morning. They’ve agreed to meet in the library in the mornings since, other than the weekends, Louis doesn’t have an excess amount of time.

“No,” He answers without any emotion. And that’s really how he knows that things have gotten bad. Harry always brings out a side in him that no one else can.

“But you still haven’t caught up in that class. If you don’t pass, you might – ”

“Might what?” Louis asks, still remaining emotionless. “Get kicked off the team and out of the musical? Not like it fucking matters anyway. Nothing matters.”

“Don’t say that, Lou.” And pity is laced through Harry’s voice. Louis can’t deal with that.

“I really need to be alone right now.” He can’t even look at Harry because he knows that his face will fall and that will honestly break Louis’ heart.

“I think that’s the opposite of what you need.”

“Maybe” Louis admits, rubbing his sweaty hands along his thighs. “But it’s what I want.”

He doesn’t hear Harry leave but he knows that he’s gone. Louis hurts for the fact that he probably just hurt Harry’s feelings. But he just can’t pretend that he’s okay anymore. He just can’t. He’s not okay. Nothing in his life is okay.

When he gets to class with Niall, Louis is dreading it. Considering how close all of the boys are, it’s highly likely that Niall is aware of what happened in the library that morning. He finds his seat and puts his head down.

“Hey Lou!” He hears Niall greet him.

“Hey,” Louis says in the pillowcase of his arms. His hands close into fists. He just wants to go home. And he really isn’t looking forward to rehearsal. They are going over his song again. And he just isn’t up for being ridiculed again.

“What’s wrong?” Niall pretty much demands, ignoring as their teacher starts class.

“Nothing.”

“Liar,” He retorts. “Is this because we haven’t hung out in a bit? Because it’s just that Zayn and I finally got over our fight completely and I’ve just been enjoying being back to normal with him. We can hang out tonight if you want?”

“No, I’ve got rehearsal tonight.” It isn’t an excuse and he knows the second it’s out of his mouth that Niall’s going to call him on it.

“I can wait until after. I’ve got some school work to finish up anyways.”

“Niall.” Louis tries for more blunt. “I’m just not up for it.”

“Can I ask why?” Niall pushes even further, just as Louis knew that he would.

“Tomlinson, Horan,” The teacher says, honestly looking fed up with their shit. “Everyone else is handing in their homework as it's class time. Please hand in your homework and write down the equation on the board.”

Niall starts digging in his folder, probably getting his homework out. Louis however, just starts writing down the equation.

“Tomlinson. Your homework?” The teacher persisted, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh. Yeah um. I haven’t quite finished it yet,” Louis admits, scratching the back of his head.

“Why don’t you visit with me after class?” Is the reply, sickeningly sweet.

“But I’ve got rehearsal – ”

“I could just as easily put you in detention and make you miss your rehearsal entirely.”

The entire class snickers and Louis blushes to the tips of his ears. Niall throws him a sympathetic glance. He really is Louis’ best friend. Even after Louis was throwing him a major cold shoulder, he is still there for Louis.

“Louis,” His teacher says when class is finished.

Louis does a walk of shame of sorts, going to his desk. “Yes?”

“I understand that you’ve got a lot going on,” His teacher begins and Louis barely represses an eye roll. This guy has no idea what Louis’ got going on in his life. “So I want to work with you. I’m going to give you two weeks to turn in all of your late work and I’ll allow you to retake our last exam. If you don’t show me some actual effort in the next two weeks, I’m going to have to have a meeting with your coach.”

Louis just nods, feeling his stress level rise about one hundred notches. “I-I’ll do that.”

“Alright, now you can get to your rehearsal. I’m looking forward to opening night!”

Showing up late to rehearsal (even though it isn’t his fault) is not a great idea. She is already pissed when Louis walks through the door, Louis can tell that instantaneously. Admittedly, Louis is off his game. During his song, it’s clear that he and Anthony don’t have a good chemistry and it’s throwing the entire thing off.

“Stop, stop, stop, stop!” She spits mid song. “I can’t even look at this anymore.”

“Me either,” Anthony chides.

“Me. Either.” Louis turns and makes eye contact with Anthony. Anthony can throw shade all he wants, Louis will throw the whole damn tree.

“Boys, let’s take it down a notch, yeah?” Eleanor cuts into the tension.

“Nah. I think Louis’ flat enough for all of us,” He snides.

“Fuck you!” Louis snaps, shoving Anthony roughly. For a second, pure fear passes through Anthony’s eyes. And just as Anthony looks like he’s about to bite back, they’re interrupted.

“OUT!” She yells. “Get out of my auditorium! And don’t come back until you two can work with each other in peace.”

Louis grabs his things quickly. He’s pissed, like thoroughly pissed. He wants to fucking punch the shit out of Anthony and he has some choice words for the drama teacher. His phone tells him that he still has quite a while before his ride comes to get him so Louis decides to spend his time in the locker room. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but Louis feels like nothing in his life makes sense anymore. He’s calling Mark again before he can decide against it.

“You’ve reached Mark Tomlinson, sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you.”

“Dad,” Louis starts, already tearing up. “It’s me again. Maybe you didn’t get my first message. I want to see you. I miss you and I lo – ”

The beep that interrupts him has fury soak through Louis’ skin. He throws his phone across the room, watching as it hits the cement wall. But that wasn’t enough, Louis stands and slams his fist into the wall. The pain that sears through his knuckles is like relief, an instant grounding.

“Aw.” A cold chill slithers down Louis’ spine at the voice he wishes he’d never known. “Did your boyfriend break up with you?”

“Why the fuck are you doing this? After the other day I thought – ”

“I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Louis mutters, shaking his head.

“Why aren’t in your rehearsal for the Fagsical?” Chris sneers.

“You realize how stupid that sounds right?” He’s just tired. His hand throbs and all he really wants to do is go home and go to bed and never wake up.

“Not as stupid as you trying to waltz around this school like people aren’t trying to keep their aerosol cans away from you lest you burst into flames.”

“I’m leaving.” Louis walks over to pick up his phone, which is now sporting a few cracks in the screen.

Louis isn’t expecting it but Chris actually let him go without another word.

-

When Louis gets home, he tries to go up the stairs but he’s stopped by his mom.

“Louis, sweetie,” Jay begins, pulling him into the kitchen. “I made fudge. You’ve got to try it – ”

“No,” He refutes, shaking his head. “Not really hungry.”

“Well you need to eat something. Daniel tells me that you’ve skipped a lot dinners.”

“So what? I haven’t felt hungry.” He shrugs, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Then get hungry. You’re eating dinner tonight whether you like it or not,” She guises sternly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I don’t want to!” Louis yells suddenly.

“Lou. Boobear,” Jay’s voice softens so quickly, going emotional. “What’s going on? Is this about – do you think you’re overweight? Because there are healthier ways to lose weight baby – ”

“NO!” Louis yelled even louder.

“What’s going on in here?” Daniel comes into the kitchen. “Jay, is everything okay?”

“This doesn’t concern you.” Louis growls, venom dripping from his tone.

“Louis, stop – ” Jay starts.

“No!” He throws his hands up, gesturing wildly. “He’s not my father! He means nothing to me! So stop trying to fucking force me to be okay with this!”

After that, Louis runs. He runs straight to his room and ignores everything else. Louis spends the night laying down and staring at the wall. He feels like it got so bad so fast. Or maybe it was just all building up to this massive break down.

******** TRIGGERING CONTENT ********

Eventually, Louis comes out of his room. He nearly trips on the plate of food that he assumes his mom had left outside his door. When he stumbles into the bathroom, Louis actually does trip. As he grips the tub to help himself back up, something catches his attention. A razor. His stomach drops out as he picks it up.

He’s heard about people who do things to themselves. Louis stares at himself in the mirror and all he could think was when did he become so transparent? His reflection in the mirror looks like a ghost. He’s not okay. The razor in his hand burns his skin, tempting him, taunting him to do it. Louis glances down at his bruised knuckles. The thoughts of the relief he felt after that pain plague Louis. Maybe … maybe it would help him if he …

The moment the thought is in his brain, Louis drops the razor. When he hears it clank to the floor, it’s like it breaks Louis. His eyes well up because, how could he ever let himself even think about doing that? He needs help. Like, real help. There’s no way he can deny it anymore.

******** END TRIGGERING CONTENT **********

Louis goes to Harry’s house as soon as he wakes up the next morning. It’s Saturday so Louis isn’t surprised when it takes a while for the door to get answered. What does surprise Louis, however, is that it’s Gemma who answered.

“Louis.” She smiles, opening the door wider. “Come in! Harry and mom are both gone actually. Was going to surprise them.”

“Oh. Do you want me to come back later? I can call Daniel –”

“No, don’t be silly. Get in here. I made breakfast.”

Louis’ a bit embarrassed with how much he eats. His appetite finally has come back. Gemma watches him silently, with these eyes like she just knows. And for some reason, Louis just wants to spill his guts to her.

“So Harry tells me that he’s worried about you,” Gemma says, thumb rhythmically tapping the handle of her mug of tea.

“I’ve been … going through some stuff,” Louis admits. He’s not looking at her because he’s so nervous. Louis knows Gemma; he knows that he’s going to tell her some stuff. She’s going to pull it out of him without even trying.

“You’re the oldest right? Never had an older sibling?” Gemma inquires. Louis simply nods. “Well now you do. And the thing we’re best at, as you know, is helping our little siblings. So spill.”

“Harry – ” Louis says nervously. His original plan was to come over and talk to Harry. Finally get some things off of his chest. But now he realizes that he’s not ready for Harry to know all the things that are going on in his head – especially since Harry’s part of the confusing web.

“He’ll never know,” Gemma assures. “My ears are open if you’re ready.”

“It’s just. I think I’ve been, like depressed. Everything just. It sucks.”

“Is it because of your marks at school? Harry mentioned to me that you were needing some tutoring. Let me tell you, bad marks, especially in university, aren’t uncommon. It’s not something that only you deal with. And it certainly doesn’t make you stupid.”

“I know,” Louis agrees in a quiet voice. “It’s not really that though. My grades are kind of the effect more than the cause. My – Daniel isn’t my dad. Mark’s going to come back; he’s going to call me back. I’m sure of it. And Chris won’t leave me alone. Anthony is a douchebag whose face I’d really like to punch in. And there’s. I have some feelings that I’m not proud of.”

“What kind of feelings?” Gemma asks, looking legitimately concerned.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Is Louis’ quick response.

“Well,” Gemma sighs, placing her hand over Louis’ and squeezing it comfortingly. “I get the Daniel thing. It was really hard for me to accept Robin when he and my mom first started dating. The situation with that is just hard for everyone. Eventually I just realized that I really wanted my mom to be happy and if that’s what Robin gave her, then I could accept that. And I’m not sure who these Chris and Anthony guys are but I will track them down if you want me to. As for the feelings things, I would suggest seeing someone. Maybe someone a bit neutral, like a school counselor or something. They’re trained to help you, you know.”

“I don’t know – ” Louis starts, but when the front door swings open, Louis stops.

“At least think about it,” Gemma says quickly before helping her mom and Harry bring in the groceries.

Once Anne and Harry have calmed down from their surprise of seeing Gemma, Harry and Louis head up to Harry’s room.

“Didn’t expect to see you either, you know,” Harry starts, pulling out his homework.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all Louis can say. He knows that he’s been pretty much a zombie recently. The way he’s treated his friends isn’t okay but even just admitting that he needs help, and after talking to Gemma, he feels so much better. Gemma doesn’t even know that much but just talking about it makes Louis feel a little less like he’s drowning in a vast sea of nothingness.

“It’s okay. I mean, I know this time of year is really hard for you with everything that you’ve got going on…but this seems different than last year. You mean so much to me and I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“How are you so honest about your feelings? If the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I could just…say stuff like that to you. You’re just so open and I don’t get it.” It is a bit of a diversion, yes, but it is also is something that Louis’ legit curious about.

“Believe or not, there are some feelings that I haven’t been completely honest about,” He says, running his fingers through his hair and pulling just slightly.

“Really?” Louis looks to him, disbelief written all over his features. Harry’s always been the type that is never afraid to say what he feels, and he’s openly gay. That’s a huge thing in Louis’ book. Louis knows that he’s gay but Louis will never tell anyone.

“Yup.” He pops the ‘p’ of yup. “Well anyway, we better start working on homework before we get too distracted.”

“Oh. Um. I didn’t come here for tutoring,” Louis admits, cheeks tinting a light pink.

“Okay.” Harry looks like he wants to say something else too but he leaves it at that.

“Wanna play fifa? I’ll even let you win,” Louis says with a mischievous smirk.

“You’re on.”

Harry only wins twice (and Louis will never admit but he actually only lets him win once). Anne makes a delicious dinner but Louis leaves right after. He gets the sense that they want some family time, especially when Robin gets home. So he walks home. It’s a long walk but that’s okay. He isn’t looking forward to being home anyways. He knows what waits for him there.

Daniel is babysitting the girls for his mom again and he really doesn’t want to have to face him after what he’d said last night.

When he opens the door to silence, Louis is immediately suspicious. There’s a note on the fridge though, that tells Louis that Daniel got called into work last minute and he managed to get the girls to friends’ houses.

At first Louis thinks that the time alone will be a negative thing. But actually, it’s kind of nice. He spends most of the day lying in bed and thinking about the things that Gemma had told him. Louis honestly doesn’t believe that he has to be happy that his mom is dating someone who isn’t his dad. But maybe he should go see a counselor. His high school has a counselor for this kind of stuff. He seemed like a nice guy. Maybe Louis will go see him on Monday. Louis falls asleep with nerves in his stomach.

When Louis wakes up, he’s rutting against the mattress and gasping. Louis has an erection and all he can think about is Harry. His mind goes back to the time that he walked in on Nick with his hand on some guy’s penis. He wants Harry to do that to him. He imagines Harry’s hand closing around his penis firmly and Louis rubs against the mattress harder, the friction making him moan low in his throat.

Louis bites roughly at his pillow, trying to keep the sounds in. His hands are pulling haphazardly at the sheets of his bed, hips rolling eagerly . The pressure is building and Louis can’t hold it back anymore.

“Harry, Harry, Harry,” Louis moans when he finally stops biting the pillow. He still is mostly muffled by the pillow though. “T-touch me.”

His mind then flashes to not too long ago when they were cuddling and Louis woke up to Harry rubbing against his bum. He desperately wants that again, he wants to feel Harry against him.

Louis let out a cry as he finally climaxes, feeling his underwear get sticky. Relief floods through Louis. His tensed up back muscles slowly relaxes. And he quickly falls back asleep.

-

Monday comes and Louis is a nervous wreck. He’s got practice after school so he packs himself a lunch. That way he doesn’t have to miss class to visit with the counselor, he’ll just go in during his lunch hour. He’s scared though. Because he knows how much he needs this. And he’s scared that he’ll chicken out. And he’s scared of what will happen if he doesn’t.

He and Harry work silently in the library before classes start. Louis finishes one maths assignment before they have to leave for class. It seems like Harry just senses that something is up with Louis, that he’s nervous, and Louis loves him for not calling him on it. He’s already embarrassed that it’s gotten this bad, that he now is going to see the school counselor.

By the time that lunch rolls around, Louis is so nervous, he’s not sure he’ll be able to eat anyways. For the first few minutes of his lunch break, Louis stands outside Mr. Alexander’s door, trying to push himself to knock on the door.

Just as he’s about to knock on the door, it opens.

“Oh.” Mr. Alexander, the balding middle aged man, looks surprised. “Louis. Did you need something?”

“Well um.” Louis messes with his fringe nervously. “I was wondering if maybe, like, I could talk to you? About some stuff.”

“Sure!” The nice man says. “Just let me grab my paper off of the printer really quick. You take a seat and I’ll be right back.”

Louis nods, stepping into Mr. Alexander’s office and awkwardly setting his stuff down. His left leg is bouncing uncontrollably as he anxiously waits for Mr. Alexander to return. He’s sitting there trying to figure out just exactly how he’s going to go about this. How is he going to say all of it?

“So.” Mr. Alexander comes back, closing his door behind him. “What’s up? Are you in about your schedule for next term?”

“Um. No.” Louis’ gaze drops from his. “I wanted to talk about something a little more…personal. If that’s okay.”

“Absolutely! What’s on your mind?” He leans towards Louis in his black spinning chair.

“But before I say anything, you aren’t going to tell my mom, are you?” He asks, voice shaking just slightly.

“Well if you share something with me that leads me to believe you’re at risk of harming yourself or others, I’m required to notify your mother and school officials. But other than that, no I will not tell your mother.”

“Okay…” Louis takes a deep breath and suddenly, it all just spills out. Everything that he’s been holding back for so long. “When I was two, my biological dad left.  By the time I was five, she remarried to the man I call my dad. I changed my name for him, because to me, he’s my dad. But, but then they got divorced. He cheated. He cheated and then left. I haven’t heard from him at all.

“She’s dating someone else now. And I hate him. I hate him so much. He’s not my dad. And I just hate him. I hate that she doesn’t want to work things out with my dad. Even though that’s what I want. I want my dad back. It’s so unfair of her to just mess around with some douche and then let me go through the pain of losing him. And then let me love someone else only for her to give up on him too! I can’t get attached to another guy! Because she’ll leave him too! I know she will.”

Louis’ eyes filled with tears. There, he finally said it. He said what has been plaguing his heart ever since he met Daniel in May. When a tear slips down his cheek, Mr. Alexander speaks.

“I can see why you feel that way, Louis,” He says, taking on a tone of consolation. “There are millions of teens everywhere going through the same thing. It’s a very common thing, but it doesn’t make it any easier. What I do suggest though, is giving this man a chance. It doesn’t mean you have to get attached.”

“I don’t know…” Louis trails off. He doesn’t want to give him a chance.

“It’s just a suggestion. If you don’t feel up to it, your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel that way.”

“Okay,” Louis says. The tone of his voice doesn’t quite do what he’s feeling justice. It’s what he’s needed to hear; that what he is feeling is okay. “Um. There’s something else that I wanted to talk about too..”

“Alright, I’m all ears.”

“Um okay so.” Louis feels sick. He can’t say it. He can’t say it.

“Hey.”  Mr. Alexander pats Louis’ shoulder. “It’s alright. I’m here to listen.”

“I’ve been having some … feelings. I’m – I’m. I’m not straight.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Louis breaks down. He starts sobbing because he didn’t say it but also he did. It’s a relief and yet he’s upset. He knows that he has said before that he’ll never tell anyone he’s gay but…he’d sort of thought that maybe telling Mr. Alexander could help. So he let himself down. But he also didn’t. He isn’t sure really what to think.

“Well, Louis. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me something so personal like this. This is something a lot of people struggle with and for you to have the courage to talk about this so early on in your life is very…well, courageous, for one, and brave…I have a feeling it must’ve been hard for you, yes?” Louis nods still feeling like he might throw up or something. Mr. Alexander is being quite nice about this, which really isn’t something that Louis was expecting.  “Is this something you’d like to talk about more in-depth?”

Louis nods. Because he really, really does. He needs someone to help him understand what’s going on in his head. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll stop hating himself for it.

“So why don’t you take me through your journey of discovering this about yourself?”

“Um. Well, I guess I’ve always kind of knew that something was different about me. But I didn’t always know how to…put a name to it? I just knew that I shouldn’t be thinking about it or especially talking about it.”

“And why is that?”

“Because…well…” Louis racks his brain trying to formulate the words he is thinking. “My dad!” He says suddenly. “My dad always said that, that it was wrong…I think that’s why he started me in on football, because I was, still am, a little flamboyant. I liked Grease and sparkly things. I’m pretty sure one year I wanted the same princess doll as my little sister for Christmas.”

“And this is the same dad that you’re wanting to come back?” Mr. Alexander clarifies.

“Yeah.” Louis nods.

“When we hear things like that from those we are supposed to trust, it’s hard to conceive that they could be wrong. Lunch is almost over but I want you to think about something, you can’t help the way you feel. You were born like this. Your dad thinks being gay is wrong. Would you still believe your dad if he said being a different race is wrong?”

“No!” Louis immediately says, probably looking a deer caught in headlights.

“You understand what I mean by that, right?” Mr. Alexander asks as the lunch bell rings.

“I-I think so.” Louis stutters because he’s never thought of it like that.

“How about you come back next week and we can talk some more? Does that sound good?” He smiled.

“Sure.”

Mr. Alexander actually reaches over and gives Louis a hug, the smell of his cologne floating through Louis’ senses.

The rest of the day, Louis’ plagued with these thoughts. It’s true, people can’t help what color of skin that they’re born with. And it’s true, he can’t help the way he feels. But did that really mean that Mark was wrong all this time?

Louis hands in a late maths assignment and he feels instantly better at the smile that his teacher gives him. Niall is absent that day so Louis actually is a bit focused. He gets another late assignment almost halfway finished by the time the day is over.

His phone rings as Louis’ headed to the locker room. It’s Liam.

“Hello?” He answers.

“Hey!” Liam says cheerfully. “So I have a mathletes competition this weekend. I’ve invited the others already but I haven’t had the chance to see you around much. Anyway, so do you want to go? We were all gonna have my mom drive us up there around 5.”

“Sure! I’m sure my mom won’t mind. I’ve got to go though, have practice. See you later, Li!”

“Later Lou.”

Halfway through the practice, Louis is called over to the sidelines by Coach.

“Yes Coach?” Louis asks breathlessly. He is sweaty and there’s dirt on his face but Louis loves it.

“Where’s Horan today?” His voice is rough and scratchy from all the yelling and cigarettes, Louis suspects.

“He’s not feeling well.”

“You let him know that he’s only allowed to miss one more practice before he’s off the team.”

“I’ll let him know, sir.”

“Don’t tell the others this but I wish more of my players could be like you, Tomlinson.” Coach blows his whistle and then turns to Louis. “Now get out there and work on drills.”

-

The equations on the board are so beyond Louis that he really doesn’t pay too much attention. But up on stage, Liam looks like he knows exactly what he’s doing. And apparently he does, because he’s answered at least half of the questions, getting them all right. He ends up winning them the competition.

In the car on the way back home, Harry slips his fingers between Louis’. Louis looks over to Harry in a panic, thinking of how gay it is to hold another guy’s hand but the moment his eyes meet Harry’s, all of those thoughts disappear. Louis squeezes Harry’s hand and smiles.

-

Louis isn’t sure how he does it, but with a massive help from Harry, just the day before his two week limit given by his maths, Louis has finished all of his late assignments. And! The one that is actually due that day.

“I knew you could do it, Tomlinson,” His teacher says with a smile. “Is Friday a good time to retake the test?”

“Yes sir.”

Louis takes his seat with a smile. He’s officially caught up in all of his classes, thanks to Harry. He really needs to think of something special to do for Harry for all that he’s done for him.

-

“Hey Louis.” The soft, feminine voice easily belongs to a girl he hasn’t talked to in a long time.

“Eleanor.” Louis turns, closing his locker door. “What’s up?”

“It’s almost Halloween. I’m hosting a party again; it’d be really cool if you came…maybe you could bring Harry?”

“I’m not sure that any of the theater people besides you want me there,” Louis admits sadly.

“What are you talking about?” She looks so confused it’s almost humorous.

“Um, Anthony for one. And no one from the theater group has really talked to me at all this year.” Louis shrugs as if it doesn’t bother him. It’s a lie.

“You’ve made yourself kind of unapproachable, Lou,” Eleanor states like it’s obvious. “And literally no one likes Anthony. He’s not invited.”

“What do you mean ‘unapproachable’?”

“Like, even I’m nervous to come talk to you. You aren’t the same boy who did a mean Danny Zuko last year. Mostly everyone just thinks that you’re still not over me. I don’t think that’s it though.” She looks at Louis and Louis just knows that she’s referring to him being gay. After all, she was the first to straight up ask him if he’s gay.

“You haven’t told anyone…have you?”

“No,” She answers immediately. “And um. I’m sorry. For what happened the night that we broke up. I never, ever should have forced you to touch me like that. It was just well…I was sort of in love with you. And I wanted to show you. It was stupid, I know.”

“I’m so sorry.” Louis instantly feels like a bag of crap. The entire time that he and Eleanor dated, he never considered the possibility that she might have been feeling all the things that Louis wasn’t. His intention was never to hurt her.

“It’s okay,” Eleanor says. Louis knows he’s going to be late to practice but this is more important. “I think I’ll always love you. But I understand that you can’t reciprocate. I think…I think that I really want to be friends again though. This is my senior year; I wanna be able to look back and have no regrets. So just. Come to my party.”

“Okay,” Louis finds himself agreeing. “I’ll be there. I’ve got to go though. I’ve got practice.”

“Alright!” She smiles. “I’ll be at the big game on Friday!”

“Me too.” Louis jokes before running down the hallway.

-

“Lou! You’ve got them all right! I swear you’re going to ace this test!” Harry exclaims after checking through the practice maths problems.

“Are you sure?” Louis steals the paper back, glancing over it again. It’s the Thursday night before a very busy weekend. Friday is the final game of the season and also the day he goes in before school to retake his test. Then after the game, he’s spending the night with Zayn and Niall. And then, he’s spending the rest of the weekend with Harry. Both he and Niall decided that they don’t want to go trick or treating anymore anyways. And they’re skipping the party because Louis deems time with his actual friends more important than some party. Plus, they didn’t have a good season at all, chances are, it’ll be a huge bummer.  They’re going to Eleanor’s Halloween party too. So Louis’ a bit of a nervous wreck.

“I’m sure.” Harry smiles and Louis’ heart does a thing. “I’ve got to be heading home anyways.”

After Louis sees Harry to the door, he sits down at the dinner table. Jay is just setting the food on the table when she notices that Louis is sat there. She looks so relieved that Louis just has the urge to hug her. He wants to explain that he didn’t have … an eating disorder but that will most likely lead to other questions that Louis isn’t ready to answer yet. So he just settles for smiling at her.

Daisy is half asleep at the table while Phoebe is coloring. And Fiz and Lottie seem to be having some type of silent fight. Daniel sits in Mark’s old chair, smiling at Jay. A sad feeling twists through Louis so he looks away.

“So Louis, I heard that you have a big game tomorrow,” Daniel says and it’s like everyone at the table is suddenly holding their breath.

“Yeah.” Louis nods, more interested in his mashed potatoes.

“I’m off work. I was thinking I might swing by and watch it.”

“Okay.” And that’s all he says.

-

Louis takes the test Friday morning, remembering what Harry’s words were. He knows the material. He and Harry have been working on it. When he finishes, Louis definitely feels more confident than when he first took the exam.

“I’ll have this graded and back to you by Monday.” His teacher smiles.

The rest of the school day passes by in a blur. The next thing he knows, he and Niall and the rest of the team are having a pep rally type of thing in the locker room. They haven’t had a very good season as a team but even still, Louis loves almost every boy on this team and he wouldn’t change it.

“Let’s go out there and kick some Knight arse!” Ed, the senior captain, yells at the top of his lungs which causes the entire team to roar, the lockers almost vibrating.

When they sprint onto the field, the crowd booms. Louis scans the crowd. There in the first row is all of his friends, Liam, Zayn, and Harry. And…Daniel. Daniel is sat beside Harry and he gives Louis thumbs up when he notices Louis looking at him. Louis can’t help the tiny smile that forms.

Within the first ten minutes, Louis scores a goal. Ultimately though, they end up losing. Three to one. They all dejectedly head to the locker rooms and Louis can see that Niall is beating himself up.

“Hey.” Louis tries cheering him up. “I can’t wait to spend tonight with you and Zayn. It’s almost Halloween.”

“Yeah,” Niall says shortly. He’s stuffing things into his duffle bag and taking things out for a shower. “Are you going to wait for a while to shower?”

“Probably,” Louis says. He kind of feels bad for making Niall wait. Maybe one day he’ll be comfortable in the locker room.

“Okay. I’ll be back.” Niall stalks off, still obviously upset.

Louis sits there, twiddling his thumbs as usual. And then all of the sudden, a few of his teammates start yelling.

“I know! I wanted to fucking punch the ref in the fucking cock! Like seriously dude?! That guy fucking fouled Tommo at least twice!” His teammate gestures over to him, clad only in a towel.

“I know!” Louis says, because it’s true. He did feel like the ref made a few bad calls during the game. The guys have a quick chat about it before they’re heading out the door but Louis is stuck on something.

What does the word cock mean? He’s never heard that word before. Maybe he’ll Google it later.

When Niall and Louis finally emerge from the locker room, both showered and clean, they are tackled.

Zayn goes for Niall and Harry goes for Louis.

“You did great,” Harry whispers into Louis’ ear.

“Thanks.” Louis smiles, a bit embarrassed.

“Hey Louis,” Daniel says when the five friends had calmed down. Everyone goes silent.

“Um hi. Thanks for coming. Even though we lost.”

“You were amazing out there though! How come you never told me you were so talented?”

“I don’t know…” And this is probably the longest conversation that Louis and Daniel had ever had.

“Anyway, I’ve got to get home. The girls are waiting to hear how it went. Thanks for letting me come see you, bud.” He squeezes Louis’ shoulder and Louis bites his tongue. He wants to say that Daniel can’t call him bud. Instead, he just watches as Daniel walks away.

“Jesus that was awkward,” Niall says.

“Niall!” Liam scolds.

“What? I’m just being honest.”

The five part ways not long after that. Harry is staying the night at Liam’s house and Zayn, Niall, and Louis all head to Niall’s house. To be honest, Louis is just slightly worried that it’d be awkward because Niall and Zayn are in a relationship and Louis is a (forever) single pringle. But he should have known that he had nothing to worry about.

Mostly, they play fifa. But after a while, Zayn pulls out his sketchbook and starts silently sketching, refusing to let either of them see. Niall is scrolling through Facebook and Louis is sitting there, about to type cock into Google. But when he presses search, all he sees are pictures of chickens.

Niall gets called downstairs by his mom and Louis almost considers waiting until Niall gets back to ask but he decides against it.

“Hey Zayn?” Louis asks.

“What?” The rhythmic scratching of the pencil on paper stops as Zayn looks up from his paper to Louis.

“What does the word cock mean?”

“… Are you serious right now?” Zayn’s cheeks turn a little pink.

“Yeah.” Louis insists, completely oblivious. “I tried Googling it but all that came up were a bunch of chickens.”

“Is your safe search on or some shit?” Zayn looks…well, Louis isn’t sure what to make of Zayn’s facial expression.

“Yeah. How do you know that?” Louis asks confusedly.

“Louis,” Zayn says as Niall reenters the room, sipping from a cup. “Cock is another word for penis.”

Niall spits out his drink. “What the fuck did I just walk into?”

“Louis asked me what cock meant.” Zayn is smiling now, watching Niall laugh.

“Don’t laugh at me.” Louis says offended.

“Hey, I’m not laughing at you.” Niall immediately stops. “I just can’t believe you didn’t know that. I mean, I knew you were innocent but damn, I didn’t know you were that innocent. And don’t give me that look. It isn’t a bad thing, it's just not that common anymore.”

“Wait so… what else am I missing out on? I thought that there were only like…” Louis trails off. He knows that he shouldn’t be talking about sexual things with anyone that he isn’t in a relationship with but he’s curious. “Penis, erection, ejaculation. Are there, are there more words for those?”

“Louis, if you weren’t already sitting down, I’d say you need to sit down for this one.” Zayn laughs and Niall cracks up. “And no, we aren’t laughing at you.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to hear all of this?” Niall confirms.

“Yes.” Louis nods, feeling his cheeks heat up. Aside from his embarrassment though, he’s actually kind of excited.

“Okay so there are literally tons of other names for a penis. Like cock, member, and dick.” Zayn starts.

“And no one ever really uses the word erection either. Like we say stuff like hard. Like instead of saying, ‘I’ve got an erection’ you’d say, ‘My cock is hard’. Do you understand?” Niall adds.

“Oh, and there’s come.” Zayn articulates.

“What’s that?” Louis asks. He feels stupid but he is also craving the knowledge.

“It’s the word people say instead of ejaculation. Or orgasm. Although, orgasm is still used occasionally.”

“But,” Zayn interrupts Niall’s train of thought. “You never say ‘I’m gonna orgasm’. You say ‘I’m gonna come’.” The two exchange a look that Louis doesn’t understand. “Anyway, does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” Louis says. It does make sense. He wishes he would have known these things by himself and not unknowingly asked his best friends about it.

“So tell me what you learned.” Zayn requests.

“Um…” Louis is hesitant about saying those words out loud.

“C’mon, it’s okay Louis.”

“But – ”

“Louis they’re not bad words. Cock balls come hard dick fucker.” Niall spouts it all off and then starts laughing at himself.

“Cock.” Louis says in a small voice.

“Louder!” Zayn looks delighted.

“Cock!” Louis says louder, feeling proud of himself.

“Come on Louis, scream it!” Niall insists.

“COCK! COCK DICK FUCKING ORGASM COME MEMBER!” And then all three of them are laughing so hard that Louis has to run for the bathroom.

-

He and Harry get to the party a bit late. Louis spends most of the day stressing over if he actually wants to go. And then he spends the two hours after the party starts going through his closet, looking for the perfect outfit.

Eventually Harry picks out a pair of red skinny jeans and a striped shirt for Louis. He says that Louis looks hot. Louis blushes. By ten, they are finally walking in the door.

“LOUEH!” Eleanor yells the moment that she sees them. “You’re here!”

It’s clear by the way that she staggers over that she is drunk. Harry tenses up next to Louis, not looking too happy to see her. He places a hand on Louis’ lower back and they walk to meet her halfway.

“You,” She points drunkenly. “Are late.”

“This one was being quite indecisive.” Harry smiles, but it’s not the smile that Louis is used to. It seems honestly a bit fake.

“I don’t doubt it!” She still yells even though they were close enough to hear her. “Come here! I’ve got something to show you, Harry!”

The three of them weave through the crowds until they get to her kitchen. She kneels down and opens the liquor cabinet, much like she did for Louis a year earlier. And then she turns.

“You can have free reign of it.” She slurs, stumbling to stand up. “As an apology.”

She leaves and Louis slides down until he’s sitting on the ground. “An apology for what?” He asks Harry.

“I don’t know.” Harry says, going to close the cabinet. “She obviously doesn’t know that neither of us drink.”

“Wait.” Louis grabs Harry’s arm, stopping him from closing the cabinet. “I want to drink.”

“Really?” Harry looks blown away by this. “What about your mom?”

“We’re going back over to your house. She’ll never know. I just want to do something cool and normal.”

“I don’t know…” Harry trails off, clearly not thinking that this is the greatest idea.

“Please Harry,” Louis pleads, bottom lip popping out in a pout. “I’ll be with you. And I know you’ll take care of me.”

“You’re right about that.” Harry smiles. Reluctantly, he grabs a bottle with clear liquid in it. “Promise me though, that you won’t become addicted to this stuff? Because you’ve been scaring me with how sad you are recently and I just don’t want to be the one who…who turned you down a bad road.”

“Harry, I promise,” Louis says, sincerely looking into Harry’s eyes. He wants to kiss him. Louis really, really wants to kiss Harry. So he distracts himself by taking the bottle.

“Careful,” Harry says, watching Louis like a hawk as he opens the bottle and takes a large gulp.

“Fuck,” Louis sputters. “That tastes fucking horrible. Why do people drink this?”

“Because I guess being drunk is worth the awful preface.”

Louis takes another sip for good measure.

Time passes by easily. The two of them keep up relaxed conversation as Louis gets more and more intoxicated. It doesn’t take much seeing as he’s never had a drop of alcohol in his life.

“Hazzzzzzah.” Louis leans against Harry, more heavily than he realizes.

“Yes Louis?” Harry asks, obviously amused.

“I keep secrets from you. Big ones.” Louis’ eyes are bloodshot so he rubs them.

“’s okay.” Harry rests his head on top of Louis’.

“But it’s not!” Louis practically yells, shifting with difficulty, to where he’s sitting up on his own. “I want to tell you lots of stuff!”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re my favorite. More than Niall. And sometimes I look at your bum even though I shouldn’t.”

“It’s okay.” Harry laughs. “I look at yours too.”

“Yeah but mine’s hard to miss! Yourrrs is so little and perky and cute.”

“I’m never going to let you forget this conversation.” Harry laughs.

There’s a crash from somewhere else in the house and that reminds Louis’ drunk brain that they aren’t alone.

“Shhh.” He may or may not spit just a little. “You can’t tell my secrets!”

“I won’t, babe,” Harry says.

“I like that.”

“What?”

“You called me babe. I like that.” Louis nods matter-of-factly. “And I like when you hold my hand. You helped me realize you know.”

“Oh yeah?” Harry keeps smiling and Louis thinks that he doesn’t understand.

“Yeah! We were – ” Louis stops to take another swig right in the middle of his sentence. “Cuddling. And then I woke up because you were…haha Niall taught me some words yesternight! I know what a cock is now!”

Harry’s eyes instantly darkened. “What else did he teach you?”

“I think Zayn taught me the word come! I cry after I come sometimes.”

“Why?” Harry’s brow furrows.

“Because it’s bad. And I think about bad things.” Louis loses his train of thought. “I saw Nick with another guy in this kitchen. Remember you didn’t believe me! But it happened. I cried a lot. I don’t cry as much anymore but I’m still sad.”

“I wish you would tell me why.” Harry sighs. “When you’re sober. And I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. I will next time. But I don’t think there will be a next time.”

“Why?!” Louis is appalled. He takes another drink. “You’re, you’re like an angel.”

“Thanks.” Harry laughs. “And because there’s only one guy I want. I’m sort of set waiting for him.”

“I wish I was like you.” Louis says sadly, going back to leaning against Harry.

“How so?”

“You’re so open with everything. You say it and I don’t know if I ever will.”

“What if I help you say it?” Harry asks, fidgeting with his hands. Louis grabs one and holds it.

“What if you kiss me?”

“What?!” Clearly Louis’ reply isn’t what Harry was expecting.

Louis leans towards Harry, lips left slightly open. What Louis isn’t expecting is for Harry to pull back.

“Louis, wait – ”

“You don’t want to kiss me.” Louis states. Harry tries saying something else but Louis talks over him, becoming  emotional. Tears blur his vision. “You don’t want to kiss me.”

“I do!” Harry cuts in. “Trust me, I do! When you’re sober and fully consent to it. And when you’ll remember it the next day.”

“Harry.” Louis starts crying. And then all the sudden, “I’m gonna get sick.”

“Oh god,” Harry quickly pulls Louis up. “I don’t know where the bathroom is!”

“Iss in tha – ” Louis tries to say but he gags and Harry drags him to the sink.

“It’s okay, babe,” Harry rubs Louis’ back soothingly.

Louis wretches and then he is throwing up in the sink. He starts crying and vows to himself that he’ll never, ever drink again. His stomach feels like it’s on fire and also like it’s about to try and rip itself from Louis’ body.

“Harry,” Louis whines when he’s finally finished. “I messed up the sink.”

“That’s okay.” Harry says. “C’mon. I’m going to get you a water bottle and then we’re gonna walk back to my house. Lord, I hope you can make it.”

Harry ends up carrying Louis. Literally. And the moment that the two make it up the stairs, Louis pukes all over himself.

“I’m sorry,” Louis cries as Harry cleans him up.

“It’s okay.” Harry continues to say over and over.

But eventually, they make it to Harry’s bed. And Louis is asleep within seconds.

-

Louis rings in November with a massive headache, which Harry tells him is a hangover. Things are awkward between Louis and Harry and he doesn’t know why. During breakfast, Harry barely looks at him.

“Are you upset because you had to take care of me last night?” Louis finally asks in a small voice.

“What? No! I’m not upset with you.” Harry says, pausing the movie that Louis wasn’t paying attention to.

“You seem like you are.” Louis admits, messing with the hem of his sweat pants.

“I was just trying to give you space.” Harry turns on the couch so that his knee is touching Louis’ leg. He sees Louis’ confused look and continues. “After what happened last night…you don’t remember.”

“I remember getting drunk and…oh god, I said something about your bum. Fuck! I’m so sorry Harry, that’s disgusting of me, I know – ”

“I said something about your bum too.” Harry points out. “But … that’s all you remember ?”

“I also remember getting sick in the sink and then all over myself. Jesus. Thanks for cleaning me up, Hazza.” Louis smiled, squeezing Harry’s knee.

“So you don’t remember anything else from last night?” Harry is being suspicious, Louis realizes.

“Is there something else that I should remember?”

“No,” Harry says quickly. “I don’t think there is. I was just making sure.”

“Okay. Well. I’m still sorry about the bum comment.” Louis turns red and nervous. “I um. I don’t really have a good explanation for that. I’m sorry. I’m gross.”

“Louis, did you not hear me? I said stuff about your bum too. And not just because you said something about mine. It’s not gross, don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“I’m sorry.” Louis says in a quiet voice. “I just…I don’t want you to think that I’m … that I’m …”

“What? You don’t want me to think you’re gay?”

Louis nodded nervously.

“Do you know how offensive that is to me Louis? I’m gay. So what? Do you think that I’m gross?” Harry looks a scary mix between emotional and angry.

“No!” Louis immediately says. “No! Not at all, Harry! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that! I swear! Don’t be mad at me!”

“So if you don’t think that I’m gross, why does it make you gross if you look at another guy’s bum?” Harry softens ever so slightly but he still has this determined look on his face.

“I don’t know.” Louis says so quietly that it’s almost not audible. He tells the truth, he really doesn’t know why it’s okay for other people to be gay but in his brain, if he’s gay, it’s the worst thing ever.

“Just,” Harry starts, again slipping his fingers through Louis’. “Think about the stuff you say before you say it, yeah? I know you don’t mean to come off as homophobic or sexist but sometimes you do.”

Louis wants to cry. Just the thought of Harry thinking that Louis doesn’t accept him, it hurts Louis. Louis loves Harry. Harry could tell him anything and Louis would still love him to the moon and back.

“I love you Harry.” Louis says, squeezing Harry’s hand. “And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel upset by the things I say. I promise I’ll work on it.”

“I love you too, Lou.”

-

On the following Monday, Louis is trying to work on his history assignment but Liam comes in, looking panicked.

“Louis, I need to talk to you. Somewhere private. Like, right now.” Liam’s cheeks are violent red.

Liam leads Louis back to the most secluded part of the library.

“Okay.” Liam takes a deep breath. “There’s something. Fuck.”

“Liam, you’re hyperventilating. Liam.” Louis puts his hands on Liam’s shoulders, squeezing. “What’s wrong?”

“Okay…” Liam takes another deep breath and closes his eyes. “I think I have … ”

“What?” Louis asks after Liam still doesn’t finish his sentence. “What do you think you have?”

“Chlamydia.”

“As in, like, the STI? Are you sure?” Louis is a bit dumbfounded. He knew that things like this happened to people but he would never guess that Liam would go through it.

“I mean. I had unprotected sex. And, and about a week ago, I started. Okay, well it started burning when I pee. And then there was some cloudy stuff coming from my tip. I Googled it. I made an appointment with a GP. My mom doesn’t know about it. I was going to go alone but I can’t. I’m really freaked out and I can’t go alone. I know you don’t have practices anymore so please, Louis, I’m begging you. Will you come with me?”

“Of course.” Louis agrees immediately. “How are we going to get there though?”

“I brought money for both of us to take the bus.” Liam almost looks to the point of crying.

“Yeah, I’ll go with you. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.” Louis tries to calm his friend down.

-

“Hello Louis,” Mr. Alexander greets when Louis comes in yet again during his lunch period. “How’s your week been?”

“Fine.” Louis says. They had been meeting every Monday since the first time. “Something happened over the weekend.”

“And what was that?” He opens his water bottle and takes a quick drink as Louis tries to formulate a response while avoiding mentioning the fact that he was drinking.

“Okay so Harry and I – ”

“Harry, your gay friend?” Mr. Alexander clarifies.

“Yeah. So we were um, hanging out and um. Okay so I made a comment about his bum and then I apologized for being gross and Harry got kind of offended because. Well because I said that I didn’t want him to think I was gay. And then he basically asked me why I think it’s okay for him to be gay but not me. And I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Louis, have you ever heard of the term ‘internalized homophobia’?”

“No.” Louis squirms uncomfortably when Mr. Alexander turns to his computer.

“The exact definition is, the involuntary belief by lesbians and gay men that the homophobic lies, stereotypes and myths about them (that are delivered to everyone in a heterosexist/homophobic society) are true. Can you tell me what you think that means?”

“Um. Like, a gay person believing that they’re less of a person.” Louis feels small but he also feels good, like as hard as it is to talk about, he needs this.

“And tell me why you think that I’ve brought this up to you.”

“B-because I have it.” A wave of emotion washes over Louis. He feels like crying but thankfully, Mr. Alexander gives him a moment to think about what he’s just admitted.

“What I want to do now is I want you to tell me why you think that this has developed in you and I want you to tell me two ways that you’ve demonstrated internalized homophobia.”

“I don’t know…” Louis’ fingers are tapping nervously against each other and his leg is bouncing uncontrollably.

“Remember what you told me during our first meeting? About your dad. What did your dad tell you about homosexual people?”

“That it was wrong.” Louis admits with a sad frown. “That’s, that’s where I got it from.”

“And what are two ways that – ”

“I’m afraid to be feminine. I don’t cry or show my feelings or at least I try not to because, because it could come off as gay. And, um. I, can’t even say it out loud. I can’t admit it out loud, not even to myself because I’ll feel like…”

“What will you feel like?” Mr. Alexander pushes gently.

“Like I’m less of a person. Or, or a bad person.” Even just admitting these things out loud makes Louis feel a mix of things. He isn’t sure if he feels better or worse.

“Lunch is almost over so I just want you to work on something. I want you to look in the mirror and say all the things you’re good at. And then I want you to try saying it, admitting it out loud to yourself. Can you do that for me?”

“I can try.”

-

Liam sits up on the doctor chair thing and he’s shaking like a leaf. The nurse does her stuff, asking Liam questions and taking his height and weight. They don’t talk as they wait for the doctor to come in. Louis wants to say something, to comfort Liam. But Liam won’t even look at him. Eventually, the doctor is knocking on the door and entering.

“So, tell me why you’re here today Liam.” He smiles politely.

“Okay so um. I had sex. Without a condom. And then. Well, it hurt when I peed and I started leaking some cloudy stuff from my, yeah.”

“Any soreness or tenderness in your testicles?” The doctor asks, scribbling things down as he talks.

“A bit yeah.” Liam nods, shuffling so the paper under him crinkles loudly.

“And how long has it been since you’ve had unprotected sex?”

“Um. Two months-ish.” Liam is  positively squirming. So Louis reaches out to hold his hand, he can see that Liam needs the comfort.

“And when did these symptoms start happening?”

“About a week ago.”

“Okay.” It’s silent for a few seconds while the doctor continues to write on his pad. “Well I think it looks like you have Chlamydia.”

“Oh god,” Liam starts breathing erratically again.

“We don’t know for sure. We’ll have to run some tests to make sure. Did you engage in oral or anal sex with your sexual partners?”

“Yes. Oral. Not anal.” Liam’s lip quivers and Louis feels so frightened for him.

“Alright I’m going to swab your mouth really quick,” The doctor does just that, smiling at Liam when he’s finished. “And we’re going to need a urine sample. When was the last time you urinated, Mr. Payne?”

“Um,” Liam takes the cup that the doctor holds out to him. “Like, two or three hours ago?”

“Perfect. Just set this cup in the holder that’s in the bathroom down the hall. When you’re finished, you can leave. We’ll send you the results within the next few days and if you are positive for Chlamydia, we’ll schedule a follow up. And,” The doctor throws a glance at Louis. “I suggest that any partners that you’ve had since you had unprotected sex get tested as well. Do you have any questions?”

“No.” Liam says in a quiet voice.

“Liam,” The doctor smiles, clearly trying to be encouraging. “I can assure you that you aren’t alone in this. Nearly 80,000 teens were diagnosed with just Chlamydia last year, not including the many other forms of sexually transmitted infections. And if your test comes back positive, it is treatable. You’ll be just fine, son.”

As soon as they’re out of there, Liam is a mess.

“Oh god, the doctor thinks I have Chlamydia. I told you Louis! I told you!”

“Liam, it’s not the end of the world. Chlamydia is treatable, that’s what he said.” Louis honestly feels bad for Liam, the boy is clearly shaken up by this.

“Yeah.” Liam sighs. “Thank you, for coming today. I don’t know if I’d have gotten through it alone. You’re the only one that knows. About what happened.”

“You didn’t tell any of the other boys?”

“No, I was stupid to have sex with that girl anyway, let alone without a condom.” Liam shakes his head.

“Are you going to tell the girl? If your tests come out positive?”

“I’m just going to cross that bridge when I come to it.”

Louis gets home just in time for dinner. The moment he walks in the door, he knows that something is wrong. All the girls are sat at the table, not saying a single word. Even Daniel is sat there, quietly eating his food. His mom however, she is staring at him with this look in her eyes that immediately makes Louis frown. He’s in trouble.

“Louis, may I talk to you in the kitchen please?” She may have asked, but Louis knows that it isn’t a request. So he follows her to the kitchen, palms starting to sweat. There are so many things that she could have found out that will make her angry with him.

“What’s up, mom?” Louis tries casual, even throws in a smile for good measure.

“I’m going to give you one last chance to tell me about it yourself, what you’ve been doing.” Her  voice reminds Louis of steel. Hard and cold. And Louis thinks he knows what this is about.

“Okay fine. I got drunk on Halloween.” Louis admits, closing his eyes and waiting for the blow. The shouting, the yelling, the grounding, all of it. Except it never comes. “I’m sorry! I just wanted to try it. And it was horrible anyway, I got sick and I hated it! And I swear I’ll never, ever do it again!”

“Louis William Tomlinson.” His mom says with a tone that is so calm, it honestly frightens him. “Where has my son gone?”

“I’m…” Louis hesitates. “I’m right here.”

“No,” She says sadly. “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

And honestly, that is probably the most hurtful thing that his mom has ever said to him. Louis wants to cry but he refuses to cry in front of her. Actually, he’s pissed. Because fuck her if she thinks that him getting drunk once changes who he is as a person.

“Why? Because I got drunk one time? Well at least we know where I get my dramatics from!” He shouts. And you could hear a pin drop all through the house. It is obvious that everyone in the dining room is listening in on this conversation.

“No!” Jay shouts back at him. “Because I had no clue about you drinking! This morning Mark stopped by my work – ”

“What?” Louis’ mouth immediately went dry.

“He told me about the voicemails you’ve been leaving him.”

“Mom I – ” Louis is about ready to apologize because Louis can’t help but miss him.

“He wanted me to tell you to stop calling.” She softens a bit as she says that but then she gets stern again. “He left Louis, you need to understand that. And I really never wanted to see him again and I’m so disappointed that it came to this.”

Louis’ mouth opens and closes. He doesn’t know what to say. Or how to react. All he knows is that she has to be lying. That’s it! She’s lying because she’s so pissed at Mark that she can’t stand the fact that Louis still loves him.

“I don’t believe you.” Louis whispers, eyes dropping from his mom’s.

“Louis, don’t be like that. Of course I’m not lying!” Jay all but screams at him.

“I’m going to my room.” Louis says through the tears that had started falling from his eyes.

“Good!” She shouts after Louis as he leaves. “And stay there!”

Louis cries for an hour up in his room. He lays there and clutches his pillow to his chest, trying to calm himself down. It’s been a long day and Louis is honestly exhausted but he can’t fall asleep. When the house goes somewhat quiet again, Louis knows that dinner is over downstairs. He needs to do something, anything. He can’t just sit around anymore.

So Louis goes downstairs, fully prepared to storm out and go to Harry’s house. But something stops him. He sees Mark’s name on a piece of mail that’s sitting on the table by the front door. It’s his address, Louis quickly realizes, on a child support check. Quickly, Louis writes the address down in the notes app on his phone and he’s out the door. He copy and pastes the address into his maps.

It takes Louis an hour to find Mark’s house. He lives in the richest part of town, on the outskirts of Doncaster. Louis knows what he’s got to do. He’s going to march right up to Mark’s door and prove to his mom that Mark’s really wanting to come back. Of course.

So he walks up the fancy pathway but something in the window catches his eye. It’s Mark, sitting down at the dinner table. Louis smiles because he really, really missed Mark and it’s so good to see him. Except that a few moments later, a pregnant woman comes into view and not long after her, a little boy looking a bit older than the twins. He watches as Mark gets up from the table and picks the boy up. It’s the picturesque of everything that Louis ever wanted. He sees Mark kiss the top of the boy’s head, just like he used to with Louis, and Louis understands. Mark has a new family. That’s why he doesn’t pick up the phone.

Louis runs. He doesn’t know who to call or what to do. He can’t look at Jay right now and know that she was right about Mark. He can’t even think about it. Louis wants Harry. But calling Harry would probably only result in Anne coming to pick him up and then Anne would tell Jay and that wouldn’t be a good situation. So Louis does the only thing he can think of.

“Louis?” Eleanor sounds rightfully surprised that Louis has called. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Louis sniffles. “Can you come pick me up?”

“Sure. Where are you at?” There is rustling on her end of the line, probably already getting up and grabbing her keys.

“I’m about two blocks from,” Louis tries to remember the address off hand but he can’t. “I’ll text you the address. Thanks.”

“Okay, I’m coming Louis.”

They hang up and Louis texts her the address. Just knowing that someone is on their way makes Louis feel a little less erratic but still. Eleanor gets there pretty quickly which isn’t a surprise to Louis, she has doctors for parents, of course she’s rich and lives in a neighborhood not too far away but definitely farther than Louis would want to walk after already having walked an hour.

“Hey,” She says as Louis gets into her car. “So I was thinking I’d take you out to get some food. Do you want something like Nandos? Or we could go somewhere nicer, like Red Lobster? I think you need a cheese biscuit.”

“I don’t know. I’d rather have some ice cream or something.” Louis shrugs lightly, trying to downplay how emotional he is.

“Okay!” She drives them to a Sonic. It isn’t exactly what Louis is expecting but at the same time, he realizes how much she knows him. There’s no way he wants to be out in public.

Louis orders a coconut cream pie shake and Eleanor gets herself a simple chocolate shake. She hands him a travel pack of Kleenex and Louis blows his nose but other than that, there isn’t much discussion between them until they actually get their shakes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Eleanor asks between slurps of her shake.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Louis says sadly, picking at his own shake.

“Maybe not, but I’m willing to listen.”

Louis is just about to tell her, it’s on the tip of his tongue. And then his phone starts ringing, his mom’s name flashing on the screen.

“Hello?” Louis asks, knowing that what’s about to follow won’t be pretty.

“Where are you? Tell me where you are right now.”

“I’m with Eleanor.” Louis says, voice shaking just a bit. “I needed to get out mom. Please don’t make me come back right now. I can’t. I can’t deal with it.  I promise I’m safe – ”

“Let me speak to Eleanor.”

“Mom – ”

“Now Louis.”

She talks to Eleanor for less than a minute and then Eleanor hangs up the phone.

“She says she wants you back by midnight…I think she thinks we’re dating again or something.”

“God,” Louis sighs, stressed. “Now I’m going to have to explain that to her too.”

“What’s been going on with you? You’re not the same person. Everyone keeps asking me about you and I have no idea what to tell them because I have no idea either.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Do you want me to take you to Harry’s house?”

“Please.”

When they pull up to Harry’s, Louis turns to her,

“Thanks. For tonight. And also for not telling anyone.”

She leaves and Louis knocks on the door. He hopes on everything that Harry answers but he should have known. Robin answers the door.

“Louis.” He smiles, immediately opening the door. And okay, that’s not really what Louis is expecting considering that it is really getting kind of late. “Come in. Harry’s upstairs.”

Louis walks into Harry’s room and Harry immediately slams his laptop shut.

“Louis!” Harry’s voice sounds a bit rough but Louis is distracted. Immediately upon making eye contact, Louis starts crying. He crumples into himself much like he saw Harry do when Harry admitted to him that Louis was right about Nick. “What’s wrong?”

“He – He doesn’t , I, Harry.” Louis’ lip quivered and by the time another sob was let out, Harry was there, his arms around Louis tightly. And that’s when the true relief came.

“It’s okay, whatever it is, it’s okay.”

Louis cries on Harry’s shoulder for three entire minutes before he notices it. The hard bump in the front of Harry’s pants.

“Harry…is your cock hard?” Louis asks in the most innocent, oblivious way possible.

Harry immediately sputters and his face turns the prettiest shade of pink. For a moment, Harry doesn’t say anything. Louis’ own cheeks start to heat up, realizing what he’d asked.

“Um. Well… I wasn’t expecting company.”

And for some reason, Louis starts laughing and he can’t stop. For just a mo, Louis is worried that Harry’s upset but then Harry’s laughing too. By the time that they’re finished laughing, Louis’ tears are dry.

“How do you do it?” Louis whispers when they’re quiet and cuddled in Harry’s bed.

“What?” Harry asks, fingers skimming over Louis’ arm, lifting the goosebumps from Louis’ skin.

“I came here feeling like my entire life was falling apart. And I mean, I don’t know if that’s really changed but, but…you make it okay.”

“Louis, I have to tell you something.” Harry swallows so loud that Louis can hear it. “I – ”

Louis’ ringtone blared throughout the room and Louis sighs. It’s his mom.

“Hey mom.” Louis answers the phone, sitting up and pulling out of the cuddle.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry about fighting with you. I love you very much, okay? Are you still with Eleanor? Can I come pick you up? I’m tired and I don’t think I can wait up for you.”

“Actually she dropped me off at Harry’s. You can come pick me up from here. It’s okay mom, I love you.” Louis is relieved that he and his mom aren’t at odds with each other anymore. That’s one less thing that he has to stress about.

“Bye Boobear.”

They hang up and Louis smiles. He was expecting her to yell at him and it just feels nice to know that she still loves him even after all the stupid shit that he’s done. And then he remembers that Harry was going to tell him something.

“What were you going to tell me Harry?” Louis asks.

“Nothing. Never mind. Is your mom coming to get you right now?” Harry looks like he’s weirdly relieved and Louis almost calls him on it. Almost.

“Yeah. Thanks for being my best friend in the world Harry. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Me either, honestly.”

When Jay finally gets there, Harry gives Louis the tightest hug right there on his front porch. Butterflies swirl around in Louis’ stomach and Louis just wants to stay in this moment with Harry forever. Because Harry gives the best hugs in the world and he makes Louis laugh and he fits with Louis in a way that Louis isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to describe.

As he’s getting in the van, Jay gives him a look. Like she knows something that Louis doesn’t know. It’s a bit awkward but then she goes into apologizing for yelling at him earlier that night and Louis forgets all about the knowing look.

-

Two days later, Liam rushes into the library, much like he did when he first asked Louis to go with him to the appointment. He’s holding the envelope, still sealed closed.

“I got the letter today.” Liam says, taking a seat next to Louis. Louis pushes aside the homework he was trying to finish up before Liam came in. Liam holds the envelope to Louis, “You open it.”

“Are you sure?” Louis asks carefully, still taking the envelope that’s held out to him.

“Yes.” Liam says in a firm voice. “Just tell me what it says.”

Louis rips the envelope open in the most ungraceful way possible. He’s never had the patience required to open an envelope properly. He pulls out the folded up letter and opens it slowly. To be honest, Louis is nervous too. He doesn’t want Liam to be sick, even if it is curable.

“Mr. Liam Payne – ” Louis tries to begin but Liam stops him.

“Don’t. Don’t read it out loud. Just tell me, yes or no.” Liam glances sideways like he’s afraid the librarians, who are at the other side of the room, will hear what Louis’ saying.

Louis scans the letter and his stomach drops. Liam tested positive for Chlamydia. “Yes. You have it.”

“Fuck.” Liam’s eyes well up. “How am I going to keep this from my parents? I’m gonna need money for the medication and the appointments and our bus passes –”

“I think you should tell them.” Louis says. And honestly, he feels like a bit of a hypocrite telling Liam this because there are so many things that he keeps from his mom but this is different. This is Liam needing medical help.

“But I can’t! They’re going to be so disappointed in me! You don’t understand Louis. I – we. My family cares about image. My parents have always pushed me to get good grades and any time we have a problem, we just sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened! Their son getting a STI will – it’ll – ”

“That all may be true,” Louis starts, pushing the letter back towards Liam. “But they’re still your parents. And you can’t just ignore this and hope it’ll go away. You need to call the GP back, set up a follow up appointment, and tell your parents. I can be there with you if you want, when you tell them.”

“No.” Liam says resolutely. “I’ve got to do this myself. Thanks again Lou, I owe you.”

“No you don’t.” Louis smiles, giving Liam a hug. “It’s what friends do.”

Liam leaves and Louis continues working on his work in silence but then something weird happens. Two girls from the theater group come sliding up to his table, looking a bit nervous. Had he really made himself that unapproachable this year? Like damn.

“Hi Louis.” One girl, Tracey, Louis thinks is her name.

“Hi.” Louis smiles. “What’s up? Has there been a change in rehearsal schedule?”

“No.” The other one says. “We just wanted to say sorry for the way that Anthony was treating you. Even though it’s gotten a bit better.”

“Yeah,” Tracey adds. “We saw him crying the other day so he’s probably just taking whatever’s wrong with him out on you. And that’s not cool.”

“Oh.” Louis is pleasantly surprised. “Well thanks! I hope he’s okay though.”

The bell rings, signaling the start of classes so Louis packs up and promises to see them in rehearsal.

-

Rehearsal is getting more intense. They have less than a month until opening night and the girl who plays Gertrude McFuzz, the new girl that Eleanor clearly despises, keeps messing up her blocking. And the Finale/Oh the Thinks You Can Think! is a bit of a train wreck. But he and Anthony stay clear of each other. Any time that they even get close to each other, the drama teacher gives Louis a look. But Louis considers it a success because he didn’t get called out by the teacher and he didn’t get falsely accused of being flat. So overall, a good rehearsal.

As Louis is sitting on the bench, waiting to see the familiar van, he thinks about opening night last year. How nervous he was. And oh god, he was still dating Eleanor. And Harry had skipped the performance. Probably to be with Nick. An unrealistic feeling of jealous plants itself in Louis’ veins. He fucking still hates Grimshaw. Seriously, fuck that guy.

Daniel picks Louis up again. Not like he should have been expecting much different. Louis’ honestly a bit embarrassed that Daniel was there when he was fighting with his mom about him calling Mark. But it also hurts to even look at Daniel. All Louis can see in Daniel is another Mark. Because Louis easily accepted Mark, he was nice to Louis and Louis got attached. Just like he told Mr. Alexander, Louis refuses to get attached again and then end up being nothing to him. He refuses to go through the pain of seeing him find a better family, a better son like he’s doing with Mark.

When they get home, Louis is sad. He goes up to his room and sits on his bed. He still can’t believe what he saw at Mark’s new house. He still hasn’t told anyone about it, though he would have told Harry if he’d been able to properly form a sentence.

And on the thought of Harry that night, Louis thinks about Harry having an erection. Or, a hard cock. Whatever. Louis’ penis gives a twitch just thinking about. For a moment, Louis feels bad. But then, he starts searching through his notebook. When he finds the page he’s looking for, he rips it out and heads to the bathroom.

Louis looks at the list and swallows.

“I’m good a football.” Louis reads aloud, looking at himself in the mirror. He almost laughs because it feels a bit stupid to be doing this but it’s what Mr. Alexander had suggested he do.

“I’m a good actor….I’m a good singer no matter what that douche Anthony says…I’m a good friend…I’m a good brother…I’m good at making people laugh…I’m g…I’m, I’m.”

Louis sighs, he can’t do it. He can’t say it out loud.

-

“So how’s your week been?” Mr. Alexander asks during their next meeting.

Louis just sighs. “It’s been…hard.”

“Why was it hard?” Mr. Alexander is chewing spearmint gum that smells way too strong.

“Well. Um. My friend found out he had an STI. And I tried like you said about the list and saying it out loud but…I mean it made me feel better but I still couldn’t say it out loud. And my dad, well …”

“Okay,” Mr. Alexander says after Louis trails off and doesn’t finish his sentence. “Is your friend getting proper treatment for this sexually transmitted disease? And does he know that it’s perfectly common among teenagers? But also, is he aware of the need for condoms during sexual interactions?”

“It’s not me.” Louis articulates, being just the slightest bit testy. Like, just the tone of Mr. Alexander’s voice showed that he was thinking that Louis was talking about himself.

“Alright,” Mr. Alexander surrenders, probably sensing Louis’ tone. “Moving on to the next thing. Why don’t you try saying the list to me?”

“I-I don’t have it with me.” Louis stutters, not expecting this. “It’s in my room at home.”

“That’s fine. Just list some things to me and we can go from there.”

“I’m good at football.” Louis starts with a small voice, not making eye contact. “I’m good with my sisters…I’m good at making people laugh…I’m good with my friends….I’m good at…wearing jeans that make Harry sometimes look at my bum – ”

“Straying from the point.” He cuts in and Louis suspects that he may be trying to cover a laugh. “Do you want to try saying it now?”

“I’m….” Louis trails off again. He takes a deep breath. He can think it, no problem. I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay. But, he just. He can’t say it out loud. He fucking literally can’t. “I can’t.”

“That’s alright, you’re still making tremendous progress. I’m proud that you’ve come this far.”

“Thanks.” Louis blushes lightly. He doesn’t say much else and Mr. Alexander apparently takes that as a sign to move on.

“So you mentioned that something happened with your dad? Are you referring to your biological father? Or – ”

“No. Mark.” Louis clarifies. But, “I don’t want to talk about it though.”

“Are you sure? Bringing it up means that you probably do want to talk about it.” He says matter-of-factly, leaning forward in his chair.

“I found his new house and … ” Louis’ throat closes.

“And?”

“I can’t do this.” Louis gets up and he walks out.

-

For the first time in what Louis feels like a long time, rehearsal goes completely smoothly. Things are really starting to come together, the dances are in sync, the lines are learned. The blocking is perfect. While it’s nice, it gives Louis a fresh wave of panic because that means that opening night is really coming upon them. December 12th, that’s opening night. So just a little over two weeks.

Louis feels like this semester has just passed him right by. It didn’t even seem like that long ago that he was a nervous freshman but now he’s nearly halfway finished with his sophomore year. A feeling of dread washes over Louis as he realizes that finals are also coming up. Oh god, he feels like he’s just barely gotten his grades up to his mom’s standards.

“Mom.” Louis says in disbelief as he gets into the van. Honestly, Louis is surprised that Jay is the one who came to pick him up from school.

“Hey sweetie.” Jay smiles and Louis thinks that something sounds off with her.

“What’s up? Where’s Daniel?”

“He took his car to pick the girls up earlier. I just thought you and I could finally have that mother son time that we were supposed to have.” She doesn’t look at him, just grips the steering wheel and stares straight forward. She seems to sense that Louis’ looking at her oddly so she continues, “Where would you like to go? I was thinking dinner at your favorite restaurant. And maybe a movie after?”

“I’ve got lots of homework…” Louis trails off because this is definitely weird. “Mom, what’s going on?”

“Nothing!” She says, not being any less suspicious. “I just wanted to spend some time with my son.”

“O…kay.” Louis hesitates. This is definitely weird.

They get to the restaurant and Louis is reminiscent of the last time he went out like this with his mom. She dropped the Daniel bomb that day. So Louis just knows that something happened. Or something is about to happen. They never just go on ‘mother son’ dates.

Jay acts weird all throughout dinner. She makes careful conversation with him, asking about Harry and even Niall as if she didn’t know the lad since he was a baby. Louis also notices that she eats her food slowly, like she’s waiting for something. If another guy pops up – but that wouldn’t make sense since Daniel picked the girls up from school. Jesus, he hopes she’s not pregnant or something. To Louis’ surprise, they actually finish dinner without the world stopping. She pays and they leave and Louis’ off. He can’t handle this not knowing business. So as soon as the doors are shut behind them in the van,

“Mom, please just tell me what’s the matter. I can tell something’s up. Just say it and get it over with.” Louis pleads, clicking his seatbelt into the buckle.

“We’ll discuss it when we get home.” She says with finality in her voice.

When they do get home, Louis doesn’t see Daniel’s car in the driveway and when they get inside, it’s eerily silent. He turns to Jay, almost a bit panicked,

“Where are the girls?”

“They’re with Daniel – ”

“Oh my god,” Louis utters exasperatedly. “You’re pregnant aren’t you? Jesus Christ – ”

“What?” And then she just starts laughing. “No, Louis. No. I’m not pregnant. I just needed to talk to you…without the others around.”

“Okay…” Louis’ stomach twists. “Is this about the alcohol thing again? Because I promise to you, no, I swear on everything, that I’ll never do it again.”

“It’s not completely about the alcohol; it’s more a bit of everything.” She says and Louis looks to her, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“I got a call from your school. From a Mr. Alexander actually. He had some interesting information for me.”

Louis’ stomach drops so fast, he nearly feels dizzy. Instant anger flashes through Louis, “What did he tell you?”

“Well for starters he said that you’ve been meeting with him once a week for nearly two months! And he said that you’ve been talking to him about Mark. Louis,” Her tone takes on one of sadness. “He told me that you ran out on an appointment. And that you said that you found Mark’s new house. Why? Why would you do that?”

“Because I didn’t believe you. I didn’t believe that he didn’t want to see me. All I said in those voicemails was that – that I missed him and I wanted to see him.” Louis’ bottom lip quivers as it always does before he’s about to cry.

“What happened when you went to see him? If he said even one bad thing about you, I swear to god, I will take him straight –” Her teeth clench and for a fleeting moment, Louis feels the love that he has for his mother swell even more.

“I didn’t even get to the front door.” Louis sniffles sadly. “Saw him with his new family. He has a son.”

“Oh Louis,” Jay grabs her son in a tight hug. “I was trying to protect you from seeing that.”

Louis cries in her arms, feeling like the lid that’s been screwing on too tight has finally just burst off. It’s like his eyes are a waterfall, the tears continuing to just spill over, over and over again. It’s a relief more than it is embarrassing, which is a bit of a surprise.

“Why didn’t you tell me this was hurting you this much?” She asks softly, still rubbing Louis’ back.

“I tried!” Louis yells, through the sobs. “I’ve been trying to tell you. But all you ever do is yell at me for it.”

“Sweetie,” Genuine regret laces itself in her voice. “I’m so sorry. I never should have yelled at you. It’s just so frustrating. I want you to see how good Daniel is, I want you to see that he’s nothing like Mark was. And he tries so hard for you, Louis. I can’t tell you how many times he’s come to me crying because all he wants is to get through to you. He even bought a book and the man hates reading. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I just have to say it. He’s always said that he’s not trying to replace anyone, he knows how much you loved Mark. He doesn’t want to be the new Mark, he just wants to be Daniel. Do you understand any of that?”

“I do.” Louis admits. And for the very first time ever, Louis feels a bit bad for how he’s treated Daniel.

“But I’m sorry for yelling at you. I can see why you’re still hanging onto the idea of Mark. He was your dad and I should have been more understanding. I’ve made so many mistakes with how I’ve raised you and I’m so sorry. There’s no handbook for how to do this thing, so I’ll probably make more mistakes but Louis, I need you to understand, drugs and alcohol are never the correct way to cope with things – ”

“Mom, I meant it when I said that it was a one-time thing. I hated drinking. Never again. And I promised Harry that I wouldn’t go down that path. He pretty much said the same thing. He’s … yeah. And anyway, I would have no idea where to even get drugs.”

“Well that’s a relief,” Jay sighs. “Maybe I did something right then.”

“You did plenty right.”

“But not enough. I didn’t make you feel comfortable enough to come to me when you have troubles or at least tell me that you want to see someone.”

“No one knew.” Louis says as if that should make her feel better.

“But I’m your mother –”

“Mom, please don’t beat yourself up over this.” Louis pleads. “I can’t handle that –”

“Just promise me that if something is on your mind, you won’t let it consume you again. You’ll tell me or someone so to help you.”

“I…” Louis wants to say it, the other thing that’s been on his mind. Wait, did Mr. Alexander tell her that too? “Did Mr. Alexander tell you anything else that we talked about?”

“He said that there was something else that you’d tell me when you’re ready.” She says it so easily, like she’s not even worried about whatever that thing may be.

“Okay…”

“And I just want to let you know that you’re my son, my baby boy, and I will always be ready to talk, whenever you are.”

“Thanks mom.” Louis smiles and hugs her tighter. “I love you.”

“I love you too, so fucking much.”

“Mom!” Louis looks to her in surprise. Did she really just drop the f bomb? And then all he can do is laugh.

“What?” She asks, laughing too. “Sometimes you just need it in there for like emphasis. Fuck.”

“Does that mean you’re okay with me saying it now?” Louis asks hopefully.

“Not a chance!”

-

That night, when Daniel gets home with the girls, they all sit down to watch Tangled (at Fizzie’s request). It’s nice. All of them fit together tightly on the couch, leaving no room for personal space and that’s just how the Tomlinson’s roll.

Louis is in the highest spirits pretty much since Louis can’t even remember when. He even works on his homework with a smile and that’s saying something. It’s still a late night for Louis because of all the family drama and activities, he didn’t have much time to work on school stuff. So when he finally does finish his school stuff it’s nearing one in the morning. Louis decides he wants to take a shower before bed so that he doesn’t have to wake up early to take one.

He gets undressed and turns the shower on, letting the water get to the right temperature. Just as he’s about to actually get in the shower, Louis gives the mirror a passing glance and he stops in his tracks. He’s going to do it.

He turns so that he’s facing himself in the mirror, shower momentarily forgotten.

“I’m good at football.” Louis starts, voice already shaking just the slightest. “I’m good at singing. I’m good at acting. I’m a good brother and a good son. I’m good at making people laugh…I’m…”

Louis stops and looks himself in the eye and everything goes still. “I’m gay.”

It feels like the metaphorical breath that Louis’ been holding is finally released and all Louis feels is sweet, sweet relief. He’s almost giddy with relief.

“I’m a gay footballer and I’m still good at it…” Louis starts out. This isn’t part of what Mr. Alexander had suggested he do, but it just feels right. “I’m gay and still good and singing and acting. I’m a gay brother and I’m a gay son and that doesn’t mean that I’m any less of a brother or son. I’m a good person and that isn’t affected by my sexuality.”

Louis absolutely cheeses, nearly all of his teeth visible. There are tears in his eyes but this time, the tears aren’t from sadness. They are tears of joy. He’s so happy; he may or may not start loudly singing Brave by Sara Bareilles in the shower. And he may or may not start doing a victory dance.

He wants to tell people, Louis realizes during that shower that night. He wants to be like Harry and be open with it. Louis never, ever thought that he’d get to this point but here he is and honestly, he couldn’t be any happier. Louis may not be to the point of telling other people just yet, but he’s made progress. And for the first time in his life, Louis is proud of himself. He’s so proud of the fact that he’s come this far and he’s okay with the fact that he still has a ways to go.

-

The morning of December first, Louis wakes up early, actually feeling refreshed. So he calls Harry. At six thirty in the morning.

“Hello?” Harry’s voice is a special kind of morning rough and Louis really wants him. He wants everything that is Harry.

“Happy Louis Month!” Louis pretty much yells excitedly.

“Louis Month?” Harry laughs ruggedly. “You woke me up just to tell me that it’s Louis Month?”

“Of course.” Louis’ voice naturally goes flirty. “It’s only the most important month of the year.”

“I don’t dispute that.” Harry says, smile evident. “I’ll see you at school, okay, Lou?”

“Fiiiine.” Louis sighs, acting like it’s the hugest inconvenience in the world to wait until school time to see Harry. “Later love.”

“Bye Louis.” And Harry’s voice is definitely higher pitched that is was before.

When he gets to school, Harry meets him in the library. Louis smiles brightly at him, crossing his legs on the library chair.

“What are you doing here?” Louis asks. “You haven’t met me in the library in awhile, not since I stopped needing your tutoring.”

“I know. But I wanted to see you.” Harry smiles, pulling out the seat next to Louis and taking a seat. “You seem happy today.”

“I am.” Louis admits, smile going a bit soft.

“I’m glad. Whatcha working on?”

“It’s actually not homework. I’m running through my scenes with JoJo. They’re always a little rough.” Louis shrugs. He doesn’t want to bring up the fact that he and Anthony have had problems.

“Well, I would’ve been happy to run lines with you. I practically could have taken Eleanor’s place on stage last year.”

“Yeah,” Louis laughs loudly, causing the librarians to shoot him a look. “I almost wish you would have.”

There’s a moment where they share a look. Louis isn’t sure what Harry’s thinking or how Harry is even supposed to take what Louis just said. All Louis knows is that his heart is beating quicker.

“I am quite the soprano.” Harry smiles, proper proud of himself. “I bet you could be too.”

“Nah,” Louis blushes. He always gets embarrassed with Harry talks about his singing voice.

“All I would need is thirty minutes. Bet I could make you hit those high notes.” Harry’s got a smirk on and Louis doesn’t understand why it’s a funny thing.

“Are you making fun of me?” Louis asks trying to sound like he’s kidding but apparently it didn’t work so well.

“No,” Harry is quick to say. “Of course not. Sorry, guess I shouldn’t make sex jokes around you.”

“That was a sex joke?” Louis doesn’t understand.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Louis glances around to make sure that they’re alone, minus the librarians who had gone into their office. He gulps and considers. Should he ask, in such a public place? But if he asks later, it may be weird because that means that Louis will be thinking about it all day long.

“What –” Louis starts to ask but the school bell interrupts him. Well fuck.

-

Maths class that day is a bit brutal. They’re learning a new formula that Louis doesn’t understand at all. He sighs. He’ll definitely have to ask Liam about this later.

“Hey.” Louis whispers to Niall. “Are you busy this weekend?”

“Nah. Zayn’s going to be out of town. I think Trish is already taking him to visit some uni.”

“Jesus Christ.” Louis sighs exasperatedly. “I don’t want to think about that shit for a long time. Anyway, you wanna come over?”

“Or you could come to my house.” Niall smiles really big, obviously trying to bribe Louis. “Mom’s ordering my favorite take away tonight.”

“Okay.” He agrees and then he actually turns back to the board and tries to pay attention.

When there’s only about fifteen minutes left in the day, an office aid comes in to the class with a call slip out of class. Louis doesn’t expect it to be for him, none of the things like that are ever for him. But to his surprise, his teacher actually calls out his name. He tells Niall to meet him outside the auditorium after rehearsal and he packs up his stuff. When he actually looks at the call slip, Louis feels a flash of anger. He’s being called to Mr. Alexander’s office. Louis hasn’t spoken to him since he called Jay. Part of him is really anxious to see him. But most of this is anger about what he did, even if good did come of it. The door is open when Louis gets there, so he walks right in.

“You wanted to see me.” Louis begins with no emotion.

“I did.” Mr. Alexander gets  up to close his door as Louis takes a seat, much like he does every Monday for nearly two months. “You haven’t come to see me in a while.”

“I wonder why.” Louis sasses to him, smiling after to show that he’s actually pretty pissed.

“I understand that you’re upset with me – ”

“Oh really?” Louis isn’t yelling but it’s clear that he’s upset. “What you don’t seem to understand is that I trusted you and you betrayed that.”

“You knew from the start that I am legally bound to report it if I believe that harm could be done to you or others.” Mr. Alexander is clearly frustrated with him. “And you came in here telling me that you saw your father after years of not seeing him. And then you ran out of my office. How was I supposed to know what happened when you saw him? I was concerned for your safety so I alerted your mother. I did not call you here to apologize for my actions and I certainly am not about to fight with you about it. I simply wanted to see how things were going with you.”

“I know.” Louis admits in a soft voice. “I’m sorry…things are going good…I said it out loud to myself finally.”

“Do you want to say it to me now? It may help to practice on me so that –”

“No.” Louis looks into Mr. Alexander’s kind eyes and smiles. “I kinda have this person that I want to make sure is the first to know.”

“Alright, I’m very proud of the progress that you’ve made.” Mr. Alexander says, smiling even wider.

“Also um, I don’t think that I need to meet with you once a week anymore. I mean, I know I’m not really like, completely over everything but. I feel good. I feel better than I ever have and um, yeah. So even though I’m still upset that you told my mom, um. Thanks for everything.”

They hug and Louis leaves his office feeling like he’s closed a chapter of his life. He really wishes that he would have just gotten over himself and talked to someone sooner. Who knows what his life would look like now if he’d just talked about stuff instead of bottling it up so that it (in his mom’s words) consumed him and (in Eleanor’s words) made him unapproachable?

When Louis laughs in rehearsal, it actually goes a bit quiet, which is weird for the theater kids. They’re all known being their own special kind of weird and loud so for the auditorium to go quiet, well, it’s uncanny.

“He’s back!” Someone yells and suddenly there’s this giant group hug, of which he’s the center.

“Really guys?” Louis groans after someone accidentally elbows him. “I’ve literally been here the whole time.”

“Yeah but you’re back.” Tracey says, smiling bright.

“Thanks guys…” Louis smiles brightly. “I didn’t know that it was that bad.”

“Okay, can we please get back to actually rehearsing?” And of course, it’s Anthony.

Louis sighs. Of course. Maybe they will never like each other.

-

Louis sees Niall by the vending machines, chomping down on cheez-its. He’s engrossed in his phone and doesn’t even see Louis coming up.

“BOO!” Louis yells and nearly falls on the floor laughing as Niall drops his bag of food and jumps back.

“Fucking Jesus!” Niall yells and then he starts laughing loud and unabashed. “You scared the shit out of me. You fucker. C’mon, me mom’s here.”

Niall wasn’t lying when he said that Maura was going to order his favorite take away. He spends the first night with the words on the tip of his tongue. He’s going to do it this weekend. He’s going to tell Niall. But, the moment doesn’t really present itself Friday night. They spend the night playing fifa and pigging out on food and the moment just doesn’t feel right. When Louis goes to bed that night, he swears to himself that he’s going to do it on Saturday.

Maura makes them a big breakfast but then she leaves for work and they’re all alone. It’s quiet and Niall lazes about on the couch but Louis wants to do something.

“Hey.” He says suddenly. “We should go practice.”

“Are you serious? It’s fucking cold outside.” He complains, pulling the throw blanket up to his chin.

“C’mon. We’ll bundle up. And then we’ll be running and we won’t even notice it.” Louis pleads, pulling the blanket off of Niall. “C’mon goalie!”

“UGH.” Niall grunts but he gets up anyways.

The two of them layer up on clothes and head out to the field behind Niall’s house. The patch of land isn’t much but they make due. They mark a few trees as boundaries for a goal and then go at it. . It’s a bit refreshing to practice with just Niall; they haven’t done this in a while. It’s especially nice considering the terrible season that they had.

They play, they run, they fall, and they laugh for a good two hours. Louis is sweating but at the same time, his face feels frozen. Surprisingly, Louis is the first to call it quits. He calls after Niall to chase him inside and of course, Louis lets him win. As soon as they’re back in their regular clothes, Niall pulls out left-overs from the take away while Louis warms some water for tea. When everything is finished and on the table, a silence settles.

“So,” Louis clears his throat and takes a sip of the hot tea. “How’re you and Zayn?”

“We’re…good.” Niall takes on a quizzical look. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know.” Louis is quick to say. A cold sweat starts to form in Louis’ palms. “I was just wondering.”

“Well we’re doing well. He’s pretty much the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.” Niall smiles happily and Louis’ heart aches just a bit because he wants someone to smile like that when thinking about him. “Anyway, what’s your love life look like? Any new ladies in your life? And if you say Eleanor –”

“Niall, I have to tell you something.” Louis gulps loudly because he’s never been this nervous before. And he knows that Niall is going to take it well, he knows he will. He’s got a boyfriend for Christ’s sake. But, there’s still this niggling doubt that Niall is going to flip tables and tell everyone and the world will end. But despite all that doubt, Louis feels a thrill of excitement.

“Okay.” Niall says easily. He sips on his tea and starts to get up. “Can we move this to my room though? My arse hurts from sitting on these chairs.”

As the two walk up the stairs, Louis tries to stop himself from hyperventilating. He’s walking on shaky legs and nearly trips over every other stair. Niall plops on his bed, all comfortable but Louis can see on his face that he’s a bit worried about whatever Louis is about to tell him. It’s in the slight downward curl of his lips and the way that one of his eyebrows is raised just slightly higher than the other.

“So what’s up?” He starts. Louis is sat on his bed, a considerable, awkward distance from Niall.

“You might look at me differently after I tell you.” Louis admits his insecurity softly. He picks at the duvet, pretending to be overly interested in the black and red pattern.

“Well that’s never going to happen.” Niall doesn’t hesitate to say.

“Okay,” Louis takes a deep, shaky breath. “Fuck.”

“Louis, you’re starting to scare me. What’s going on?”

“I’m…I’m gay.” Louis’ eyes are squeezed shut like he’s expecting some kind of immediate blow once the words are out. When Niall doesn’t immediately say something, Louis peaks an eye open. He gasps when Niall is smiling so wide, all of his teeth are almost visible.

“Louis.” Raw emotion rips through him quite obviously. “Come here!”

Niall tackles him in a hug, wetting Louis’ shirt with his happy tears. He squeezes Louis so tight that it hurts. And Louis just loses it. He starts crying on Niall’s shoulder, out of pure, blissful fucking relief.

“I’m so fucking proud of you.” Niall sniffles, his voice muffled by Louis’ shoulder. “So fucking proud.”

They stay that way, happy crying and holding onto each other for who knows how long.

“Phew.” Louis sighs in relief when they’ve finally stopped with the tears and separated. “I can’t believe I told you. Holy shit.”

“You know, I knew you were going to say that.” Niall says. “I just had this feeling.”

“How was it so easy for you? That night you told me, it was the night that you kissed Zayn. That same night. I’ve been struggling with this for my whole life and I don’t know. It just seemed easy for you.”

“Zayn and I had been talking about sexuality for a while before I kissed him though. So I got comfortable with it. We talked openly about it. You, you didn’t have that. I know it was hard for you. Anyone who knows you could see that you’ve been going through a rough spot in life. And anyway, just know that it doesn’t have to be so rough anymore. Because I support you.

“I know that everything that happened with Mark fucked you up more than you ever admit. And I can’t take back all those memories or all the times he’d snatch Lottie’s dolls out of your hands when we were playing. I can’t make you un-hear all the stuff that he said. And I’m sorry, but I can’t make him come back. And I can’t make your mom’s relationship with Daniel go away but I can promise you one thing. I support you completely. One. Hundred. Percent. You’re my best friend in the world and nothing can change that, whether you like boys or not. And I’ll always be here for you. If anyone ever says a word about your sexuality, I’ll personally make sure that they won’t have sexuality because they won’t have any proper working –”

“Niall,” Louis laughs through even more tears that have filled his eyes. “Thank you.”

The rest of the weekend is great. With the big reveal out of the way, Louis is able to fully focus on beating Niall’s arse in fifa. And remembering to let him win every once in awhile just so that he doesn’t get too upset. Or at least, that’s how he defines a loss. And Louis thought that maybe Niall would be awkward getting undressed around him or letting Louis sleep in his bed but he isn’t. Niall just acts like nothing has changed and Louis feels like he’s on top of the world.

He can’t believe that there was ever a time where he swore he’d never tell a soul. If he’d known that it would feel this good, this empowering, this free, he would have been saying it since he fully realized that he is gay back in August. But he wasn’t ready then. And he may not be ready to completely come out but he’s definitely ready to tell a few others. Liam and Zayn being next on his list.

-

Louis gets to school on Monday, and he realizes that the opening night is on Thursday. Suddenly every time he turns a corner, he sees a flyer with December twelfth in big red letters. He realizes that tonight is the night where all the main characters meet with the drama teacher and they’re trying out his face makeup for The Cat for the first time and holy shit. He’s so ready and nervous at the same time.

He realizes part way through the day that Zayn is still gone on his university trip but he still wants to tell Liam before the happiness of Niall’s acceptance wears off and Louis gets too freaked out to do it. But he doesn’t actually get the chance until after school. He goes to find Liam at his locker right after the bell finally rings. It’s a bit risky because they’re in public and Louis doesn’t have time to wait around for the halls to get deserted because of rehearsal.

“Hey Louis. What’s up?” Liam is sorting through his locker, already throwing things out. He’s so organized.

“So you haven’t really told me how things went with your parents and … the appointments?”

“Oh.” Liam stiffens. “Mom cried. Dad gave me a very, very long lecture on sex safety. They made me take a quiz. But uh, I’m good. Took me meds and I’m good to go. Except…”

“What?” Louis asks, feeling his throat close up, nervous about his own things rather than Liam’s. He shakes that though, Liam looks pretty shaken up.

“Since it went so long without being treated, there’s a chance that it’ll be harder for me to have kids…if I ever have sex without a condom again.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better,” Louis whispers.  “I won’t be getting anyone pregnant. Because I’m gay.” Was that a bad time to say that? Fuck. Is he a bad friend?

“Lou!” Liam immediately gets excited and hugs him. “Yay! I can’t believe you just snuck that in there.” His eyes get all puppy dog like they sometimes do and he laughs.

“Wanted to tell you before I chickened out.” Louis shrugs, feeling even more empowered. Coming out has been a way better experience than what he imagined in his head. It’s nothing like the torture he imagined.

“I’m glad you did.” They hug and then Louis is off to rehearsal.

-

The drama teacher does that thing where she lectures the main characters on how their chemistry with each other will make or break the show. Louis sees Anthony give him a look out of the corner of his eye; he’s surprised to find that it isn’t a look of rudeness or anything really negative at all. He almost looks apologetic. And Louis can’t help but smirk just in the slightest. He should be sorry. Damn.

Louis gets the pep talk but at the same time, he’s a bit annoyed that they only rehearse for like thirty minutes before they’re let go. The girl who plays Gertrude McFuzz, Shayla something, she may have had a bit of trouble with her blocking for a while, but Louis sees that she is really, really talented. It’s not as if Louis didn’t know this before, but seeing her in rehearsal tonight, Louis is honestly a bit astounded. Well actually, he looks around and realizes that he doesn’t know how the hell he ended up among all these talented people. Even Anthony. He may be a huge douche but Louis can’t deny that he’s got talent. He got the part of JoJo after all. But, Louis doesn’t feel like he exudes the same amount of talent that his fellow leads do. Louis sighs. No. He glances around the stage, sweating through his Cat in the Hat makeup. He’s here for a reason. He’s here because he’s good. No one can take that away from him.

-

The rest of the week flashes by, just like he knew that it would. He’s staying at the school after it gets out because he’s got to get ready and all that. And then the five of them are hanging out at his house after the performance. Louis’ nervous, to say the least. He dresses in his costume shakily and he sits through the makeup, checking his phone every few seconds. There are a few messages from his mom and about seven from the other boys but there aren’t any from Harry. If Louis is being honest, Harry is the one that he really wants to hear from.

The curtain is opening in ten minutes and Louis still hasn’t heard from Harry. He’s getting a bit paranoid that Harry’s going to be bringing some boyfriend as a date. Or like, completely bailing like he did on the opening night of Grease. Everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, but not Louis. Running around doesn’t calm his nerves. He’s okay with just sitting backstage and soaking in the nervous and excited energy. His eyes are closed when someone taps his shoulder. He looks up and,

“Harry!” Louis stands and smiles wide.

“I got these for you.” The boy blushes lightly as he hands Louis a bouquet of beautiful white roses. “I know the roses are a bit…cliché but I realized in the shop earlier that I don’t have a clue what your favorite flower is. I remember you telling me that your mom’s favorite flowers are Tiger Lilies. But anyway, I’m rambling. Um. So, I went with white roses because it’s a bit less cliché than red roses.”

“Harry,” Louis says again, much softer this time. He looks at the beautiful flowers in his hand and he feels like he’s about to burst. “These are perfect. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I um. I just wanted to come back and tell you that I know you’re going to do great. Like, phenomenal. And you look awesome in your Cat in the Hat makeup. The boys and everyone else are in the fifth row. Um, anyway, I need to go back out there, I know you’re about to start. So. Break a leg.”

Louis gives him one last hug and then watches Harry trail out of the backstage area. He turns with refreshed energy and nearly gasps at who he sees watching him. Anthony.

“That your boyfriend?” He asks Louis as the lights dim on and off for the five minute call. His voice shows no emotion and Louis doesn’t know what to make of that.

“Harry? No. He’s my best friend.” Louis resituates the Hat that’s on top of his head.

“I heard you the other day. At the lockers. You told your buff friend that you’re gay.” Again, he shows no emotion but Louis immediately tenses up. Fuck. He should have waited to tell Liam. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Look,” Louis starts to say but he’s interrupted by Anthony.

“I am too.” Anthony admits, not looking at Louis. “I’m sorry for what a dick I’ve been. I’m honestly jealous of you. You’re like, a huge deal to everyone around here. When I auditioned I saw you and I knew that you’d get a lead…I was jealous of how talented you are. It was stupid and I’m sorry.”

Louis only has a chance to smile and nod before they have to take their places for the opening number. But that moment changes everything. What once was this awkward energy between he and Anthony, between the Cat and JoJo is now genuine friendship. They finally found the chemistry that they have been searching after all semester.

That in itself is a confidence for Louis. He hits all of his notes, right pitch, and right diction. He’s not flat or sharp once. As the show goes on, Louis remembers why he put himself through all of this stress. Because it’s worth it. The warmth of the spotlight makes every night he stressed worth it. The laughs from the audience makes every moment of anger worth it. The smile that Anthony shoots him when they both come out for their applause makes every single moment worth it. They get a standing ovation; Louis may mess up the makeup just a bit when he slams into Anthony backstage.

As they’re removing their makeup, Louis thinks out loud,

“You know how much easier this would have been if you’d told me all this earlier?”

“Yeah,” Anthony laughs and it’s just odd being … friendly with him. “Well at least we won’t have to go through all this with the play next semester. Word on the street is we’re doing Rhinoceros.”

“Maybe,” Louis scrubs at the makeup in his eyebrows.

-

When he finally comes out to where everyone is waiting, he feels a bit like he’s famous. Suddenly everyone is yelling and rushing towards him. His mom, Daniel, and all the girls are there and all of his boys are waiting behind. He even sees Maura and Anne lingering.

“You did so well sweetheart!” His mom runs to him and scoops him up. “My son, the actor!”

“Okay mom,” Louis says quietly, embarrassed.

“You were great.” Daniel puts in. And he pats Louis’ shoulder. Suddenly all Louis can think of is how his mom told him that Daniel has tried so hard with him. And so he hugs him. Louis actually hugs Daniel.

“Thank you.”

When he pulls back, Niall is on him. Like literally. Niall jumps on his back, shouting about how his best friend makes a great cat. Louis wonders if Niall paid any attention to the actual show but Louis can’t help but laugh. Liam and Zayn try to hug him at the same time, thus resulting in Liam yelling, “Louis Sandwich!” When Harry hugs him, Louis closes his eyes. It’s happy. Harry whispers something into his ear but Louis doesn’t catch it, he’s too focused on the rapid beating of his heart.

By the time they get to Louis’ house, Louis is absolutely exhausted. He sits down on the couch, leaning heavily against Harry. He hopes that Harry doesn’t mind. Just as his eyes slip closed, he feels his phone vibrate. He glances at it; he sees a text from Liam. But Liam is in his house, why would he text. He looks around and notices that Liam isn’t in his living room with the rest of the boys anymore. The text is Liam telling Louis to meet him in his bathroom followed by an ASAP. Louis sighs loudly and pulls himself away from Harry and the couch. When he gets to the bathroom, he knocks.

“Liam –”

Liam opens the door and pulls him in, nearly slamming the door behind him. Immediately, Liam starts talking.

“I’ve been trying to be cool about it all night but I just can’t hold it back anymore. You know what happened back in August? When I slept with that girl and then ended up with Chlamydia? Okay well part of the reason why I haven’t went to this person to say anything is because I couldn’t quite remember who it was that I slept with. But tonight…I saw her. The girl who played Gertrude. That’s her. She’s the one that gave me Chlamydia.”

“Shayla?” Louis asks incredulously. “Shayla has chlamydia? …Holy shit…”

“Fuck and now I have to tell her and it’s going to be the most awkward thing that’s ever happened.”

“Hey,” Louis pats Liam’s shoulder. “You told your parents. That’s gotta be more awkward than this. And I mean … you saw her… lady place. That should make everything else easy.”

“Well you’re clearly not the one night stand type.” Liam comments and it honestly makes Louis feel a little insecure.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Louis does his best to help his friend. He doesn’t really think that they’re much else that he could do though.

“No. Fuck, I just had to get that out.” Liam rubs at his forehead. “Speaking of being out, um. Who else have you told…about you?”

“Just you and Niall.” Louis admits, a yawn cutting through the rest of his sentence.  “Was gonna tell Zayn but he was gone and now I just can’t really find the right moment. Um. And I’m waiting to tell Harry so just…don’t talk about it to others except Niall I guess. Please.”

“Oh I won’t. And um, thanks for not telling anyone about what happened with me and…what’d you say her name was?”

“Shayla.” Louis assists. “You’re welcome by the way. ‘S what friends are for.”

-

Louis trips on stage on closing night. He rolls though, making it look like it was choreography. But other than that, everything goes smashingly. And honestly, Louis thought that his first honest mistake on stage would be mortifying. And for a split second, it was. But he takes it in stride, even giggling to himself about it. The sucky thing though is that finals start that following Monday. And that’s a stress that Louis is not looking forward to.

The weekend is lazy for Louis which is simultaneously weird and amazing. He spends most of the weekend with his family and Daniel. It’s nice. Louis feels like things are finally falling into place in his life. But there’s still one thing missing.

-

Harry meets Louis in the library before classes start like they’d planned the previous night. Louis is a bit worried about how he’ll do on his maths exam. He had tried to invite Niall to study with them but he just said that he didn’t want to invade on them. Whatever that means.

“You’ll never guess what happened last night!” He bursts in the library, causing the librarians to shoot them stern looks.

“What?” Louis doesn’t look up from the problem that he’s solving.

“We’re going to Paris for the hols! The City of Love!” He scoots a seat in next to Louis excitedly.

“Ugh, I’m so jealous!” Louis sets down his pencil down and turns to Harry. “I wish I could go with you.”

“You’d want to go to the City of Love with me?” He asks dubiously, looking as if Louis said something totally unbelievable.

“Of course Harry.” Louis smiles and there’s this vibe between them. Louis gets the urge to kiss him. And it’s not just like a passing thought like all the other times, it’s like he has to kiss Harry. The only thing that’s keeping Louis restrained is that they’re in a public place. Which Louis is thankful for because who knows what would have happened if they were alone.

They go over math stuff and Harry eventually even pulls out some of his own exam work. It’s quiet save for the scratching of their pencils on paper and the clicking of the buttons on Louis’ calculator. It’s weird because Louis is used to sitting there and mentally hating himself whenever he thinks about guys, well, Harry, in a homosexual way but he’s gotten past that. He feels a bit guilty because Harry’s his best friend and just because he’s gay doesn’t mean that he’ll want Louis like that too. But he doesn’t hate himself for the fact that Harry’s a guy. So Louis actually smiles to himself, realizing that he’s made even more progress.

Finals fry Louis’ brain. When he gets out of his last test, he is seriously considering thanking that figment of imagination in the sky. He also feels pretty confident about his marks on all of them. He knows that he passed but he may have actually gotten good grades on them. He’ll have to check online later and brag to his mom about it.

Harry leaves for Paris the day after their final exams. It’s a bit emotional because from the moment he met Harry, they haven’t been separated for long amounts of time. They’ve had moments where they weren’t talking to each other but they still saw each other almost every day. But Harry’s going to be in Paris until January third. And it’s going to be weird without him around.

-

For his birthday, Louis has a sleepover. The boys come over the day before his birthday and spend the night. It’s weird being there without Harry. He watches how Zayn and Niall are cuddled into each other pretty much the entire time and it makes Louis miss Harry. Louis tries to cuddle with Liam to see if that will help and it’s nice but it’s not the same. Harry’s arms feel better when they’re wrapped around him.

But other than that, they all have a lot of fun. It goes like most of their times together, they don’t do anything other than lying around, playing video games and eating. But they have tons of laughs and it seems like a drastic difference than how his fifteenth birthday went. At this time last year, the boys weren’t really on great terms. Niall and Harry weren’t even talking to him. So he’s grateful, that’s what this semester has taught him, to be grateful for the things he has, and as hard as it is, for the things he doesn’t have.

He wakes up on Louis Day, alternatively known as Christmas Eve, to Zayn shaking him awake. He rubs at his eyes tiredly and glances around, the room is empty except for he and Zayn.

“Where are the others?” Louis asks slowly, stretching out his arms as he talks.

“They’re downstairs.” Zayn yawns into his elbow. “Your mom made a huge breakfast. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen so much food all at once. But there’s also like ten people here so…anyway, I was sent up to get you. I can’t believe that you slept longer than I did.”

“Same.” Louis says and then it hits him. This is his moment with Zayn. “Hey, while we’re alone, um I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.” Zayn sits on Louis’ bed, waiting with such a patient face.

“I’m gay.” Louis breathes out. But then a rush of words follow. “And I swear, I’m still not interested in Niall. We’re honestly just best friends and – ”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Zayn literally puts his hand over Louis’ mouth. “Where is any of that coming from?”

“Well, I remember last year you thought that I liked Niall and I said that I was straight or something like that and I just wanted to tell you that even though I’m gay, I don’t have feelings for him and I won’t like, try to steal him from you or anything.”

“Louis,” Zayn almost looks like he’s about to laugh. “That was so long ago. My own jealousy was blinding me. I can see that you don’t like Niall like that. And I trust you. I know you’ve got your eye on someone else.”

“Wait, what?” Louis’ mouth goes dry.

“I know that you’re not going to steal Niall from me – ” Zayn tries to repeat but that’s not what Louis was asking about.

“No, I mean. You think I’ve got my eye on someone?” He asks delicately.

“Well obviously.” He replies. When Louis doesn’t reply, he continues. “Harry, duh!”

Louis wants to discuss it further but Niall is yelling up the stairs that if they don’t come down soon, Louis has to forfeit his food and give it to Niall. So they head downstairs. And they never get another moment alone to discuss it. Around noon, they sing the song and give him gifts.

He gets a new beanie from Liam, a pair of these awesome blue-green skinny jeans from Niall, and a picture frame from Zayn. The picture frame has several pictures of all of them as a group and a few with just a few of them. Louis notices that right in the middle is a picture of all five of them but the thing that stands out is that he and Harry are making a heart with their hands. Louis shouldn’t be surprised when Niall hands Louis a gift with Harry’s neat wrapping and hand writing on the gift tag.

He opens it and at first, when he sees the note that says for you. And then there’s a CD under it. He sets it aside to put into his laptop later. Not long after opening gifts, three boys’ moms start showing up to pick them up.

When all the boys are gone, Louis sits there and thinks of how lucky he is. Now all of his friends, well except for Harry, know that he’s gay. And none of them have treated him any differently. He really is lucky.

Dinner comes that night and it’s a loud affair. The twins are raving about Christmas, unable to sit still for more than thirty seconds. Fizz and Lottie are bouncing ideas off of each other about things that they may get and trying to pry details out of their mom. Louis, however, is just sitting there quietly. He’s not being quiet because he’s upset, more just because he’s content. And once dinner is over, all of the girls run upstairs to play or whatever. Louis sticks around to help wash up. He does the dishes while his mom cleans up the table. It takes a while and yeah, Louis would rather be doing other things but he knows that his mom doesn’t get a vacation like he does. He really just wants to help her out.

When he finally gets finished with the dishes, he walks out just as he sees Daniel shutting the door behind him. And he doesn’t know why but Louis runs after him. He runs outside with no coat on, just the long sleeved shirt to cover his arms. And he’s not even wearing shoes. But he runs after him anyway.

“Wait!” Louis calls, watching as Daniel pauses on the path to the driveway. He turns to Louis with a questioning look on his face. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to head home.” Daniel says. “It’s your birthday and Christmas Eve, I understand that you want to be with your family.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees. “But, you don’t have to leave either.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Daniel looks like he may cry and Louis’ teeth start chattering.

“It’s okay.” Louis says through his chattering teeth. “Mom wants you here. So I’ll be okay.”

Daniel comes back in and Louis wonders when things got like this. He still doesn’t really like Daniel that much but he doesn’t hate him anymore. He is still hurting over Mark but he’s done with trying to ban Daniel because finding Mark sucked, yes, but it was also a part of Louis letting him go.

-

That night, Louis plugs in his headphones and pushes Harry’s CD into the disk drive. At first, all Louis hears is scratchy sounds and it’s clear that whatever is on this disk isn’t a video and it’s not the greatest of quality but then he hears Harry’s voice and all other thoughts fade away.

‘Hey Lou!’ Harry says. ‘I originally planned on singing this to you in person but then the family surprised me with the trip so I’m doing this last minute. Forgive me for how crappy it is. Anyway, this is for you! See you sooner than you think!’

The first few notes of the song start to play and Louis immediately recognizes the song. His heart starts beating so fast, he’s afraid it may burst from his chest. And then Harry starts singing.

We go hide away in daylight

We go undercover when under sun

Got a secret side in plain sight

Where the streets are empty

That’s where we run

Every day people do

Everyday things but I

Can’t be one of them

I know you hear me know

We are a different kind

We can do anything

We could be heroes

We could be heroes

Me and You

We could be

Louis doesn’t even know what he’s feeling. He doesn’t know what Harry wants him to feel from this song but all he’s thinking about is his relationship with the curly lad over the past year and a half. And through every thought, every memory, all he can do is smile.

Anybody’s got the power

They don’t see it

Cause they don’t understand

Spin around and run for hours

You and me got the world in our hands

Everyday people do

Everyday things but I

Can’t be one of them

I know you hear me now

We are a different kind

We can do anything

We could be heroes

We could be heroes

Me and You

We could be

Louis is a mess. He wants to call Harry and ask what he’s supposed to make of this song. But all he can think is that he likes Harry. Like, he really likes him. He wants to wake up every morning to his stinky morning breath and he wants to kiss Harry and hug him when Louis feels like he needs to be put back together. He wants to go on dates with Harry and kiss him at the doorstep. He wants to do sex stuff with Harry. He wants all of it. Once again, Harry’s singing breaks him out of his thoughts.

All we’re looking for is love and a little light

Love and a little light

We could be

All we’re looking for is love and a little light

Love and a little light

We could be heroes

We could be heroes

Me and You

We could be

Harry’s voice stops and it’s over. There’s no ending message from Harry or anything. So Louis is literally left to his own devices to figure out what Harry means by this song. He wants to send Harry a text or call him and let him know how much he loves it but he wants to know what Harry means by it first. So naturally he Googles it. What he finds just touches his heart. Tove Lo says,

“The song ‘Heroes’ means pretty much how when I was growing up, at least, I was frustrated with being just an ordinary person. I wanted to be something bigger. I have all these big dreams and it’s kind of about sharing those thoughts with a friend and you feel invincible together.”

Louis really wants to hug Harry forever. So he calls him just to tell him this. Harry’s busy or something though, because he doesn’t pick up. Louis leaves him a voicemail, rambling on until he’s cut off.

Christmas passes and Louis gets tons of gifts but what he really wants is to see Harry. He may be a little too dependent on Harry but it feels like it’s been years since he’s seen him and he doesn’t know if he’ll survive until the third.

-

Louis and the other boys decide to go to Eleanor’s New Year’s Eve party on the thirty first. To be honest, Niall had to talk him into going. He would have opted for a movie and shit telly but Niall pretty much forces him to go. So there he is, amidst all the drunk people (Liam) and the obnoxious couples unabashedly snogging (Zayn and Niall). Honestly, the party is a bit of a flop for Louis. It’s getting close to midnight when Liam disappears suddenly and so do Zayn and Niall not long after. Just as Louis is about to say fuck it and force someone to take him home, he gets a tap on the shoulder. When he turns to see Harry, he immediately jumps into his arms.

“HARRY!” Louis yells, squeezing him tight. “What are you doing here?! I thought you didn’t get back from Paris until the third? And how was Paris? Did you visit the lock bridge? And I loved your birthday present oh my god. You should go out for the musical you know.”

“Jesus Louis, don’t forget to breathe.” Harry’s smiling so that his dimples are showing and Louis fucking missed him so much. “I wanted to surprise you. So you liked the present? Sorry that I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.”

“Oh my god, Harry. I loved my present and of course you don’t have to get me anything for Christmas…” Louis decides that this is the moment. “But we should go somewhere more private so that I can give you your Christmas present.”

With shaky legs, Louis leads them to the balcony off of Eleanor’s parents’ bedroom. It is cold as fuck outside but at the same time, it’s perfect. They can hear the loud music still going on inside the house but it’s peaceful where they are.

“Louis, you know you didn’t have to get me a present – ” Harry starts but Louis stops him.

“Oh don’t worry, it’s not really much of a present. Actually, it’s not really a present at all, I just wanted to tell you something.” Louis looks at Harry and realizes that Harry’s getting taller than him. Before Harry can open his mouth to say anything else, Louis says it. “I’m gay.”

Harry’s immediate reaction is to hug Louis as tight as he can. Louis closes his eyes and breathes in because he’s never been more content than he is in Harry’s arms. Cold be damned. Nothing can ever compare to the way that Harry holds him.

“I’m so proud of you Louis. I know how hard that must have been.” He whispers breath tickling Louis’ ear. “Who else have you told? Have you told your mom yet?”

“No,” Louis retorts. “I’m not telling her for a long time. But um, the rest of the boys know.”

“Aww,” Harry pouts, bottom lip popping out. “So I’m the last of all of us to know? I’m offended. You were the first to know about me. Of all of the boys I mean.”

“I just.” Louis shrugs. “It was harder for me to tell you.”

“Why?” Harry takes a step back from Louis and immediately, Louis wants to step closer.

“I don’t know.” Louis’ gaze falls from Harry’s. “Because it’s different with you. You already make my heart beat so fast and I don’t know. I’m kind of addicted to it. I’m not sure I’d survive if you didn’t take it well.”

“…Well you don’t have to worry about that. I’m gay too Louis, of course I’m going to take it well.” There’s a pause and then, “You make my heart beat really fast too.”

From all around them, Louis can hear the others start cheering really loud. It must be getting close to count down. All he can do is look at Harry. He doesn’t know how to respond to what Harry said so he lets his eyes do the talking. He honestly feels like he’s about to explode. Almost nothing could make this silent, comfortable moment with Harry better. He knows he should be cold but his mind isn’t thinking of anything except the green eyes that are staring right into his eyes. To others looking in, this moment probably looks awkward because they aren’t talking but Louis knows that talking isn’t needed at this moment. And then they hear everyone start counting down.

“Louis,” Harry whispers finally, the condensation of his breath swirling through the air. “I know what you can get me for Christmas.”

“What?” Louis whispers back as the count reaches five.

“Be my New Year’s kiss.”

Louis doesn’t hesitate. His arms go around Harry’s neck and he steals a quick glance at Harry’s lips and then right as the crowd screams out the last second before the new year, Louis closes the distance between them and presses his lips to Harry’s. Literal fireworks start exploding around them and damn, is that accurate. Louis doesn’t want it to end ever. When they finally do pull apart, Louis immediately knows that his new wanking material will be the slow way that their lips pull away from each other.

“Finally,” Harry whispers, cupping Louis’ face and pulling him in for another kiss.


	2. Sophomore Year Second Semester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The semester that changes everything...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIIIIIIIII  
> So this has been done since the summer and I've just continued to forget about posting it because school has been killing me! However, I will have a shiny B.A. in English by the time that May comes around so it'll all be worth it!  
> ANYWAY ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE BEST CHAPTER YET?!   
> Be prepared to squeal, laugh, and cry because this is the semester that changes everything!

~~~~

The next week after the New Year’s kiss is a bit odd. He and Harry don’t ever have a chance to really talk about it. Harry tried a few times over text but Louis always skirted around it because he doesn’t want to have that conversation over text. He wants to force himself to be open and emotional with Harry. It’s hard but he has to do this the right way. With Harry, he wants things to go right. So since he hasn’t had a chance to be alone with Harry due to the girls being all over him and Gemma being home after the Paris trip, there hasn’t been time. When they finally do get the chance, they’re in Harry’s back yard making a pitiful snowman from the little bit of snow that had fallen.

“Lou,” Harry begins, rubbing snow together in a ball between his mittens. “Can we talk about it?”

Louis shouldn’t feel caught off guard but he does. For a moment, he hesitates. He considers playing it off like he doesn’t know what Harry is talking about just for another few seconds to stall. But he reminds himself that he wants to do this right with Harry. So he swallows and lets out a breath.

“Yeah.” It’s only one word. Not much to offer but it’s a start and Louis is proud of himself, even for that.

“How did you feel about it?” Harry is watching him so intently that it makes Louis feel self-conscious. Louis rubs his gloved hands over his arms in distraction.

“I liked it.” Louis admits in a small voice, no longer keeping eye contact with Harry. Harry takes a step closer to Louis like he wants to reach out and hug him. Louis resists the urge to step away. Not that he doesn’t want to be in Harry’s arms, he is always game for that. Mostly, he just needs to stay back so that he is forced to finish this conversation, no matter how hard it is for him.

“I mean like,” Harry talks slower, making it obvious that he is also nervous as he drops the ball of snow to the ground. That knowledge puts Louis just a little bit more at ease. “How do you feel about me?”

“That’s such a loaded question.” Louis says. His brain scans through all the things that he feels towards Harry. He knows there are tons of things that he could say but being put on the spot on top of being nervous makes Louis’ brain short out.

“Okay,” Harry’s voice goes soothing as he steps even closer to Louis. They’re so close the fog from Harry’s breath starts to fog the bottom of Louis’ glasses. “I’ll just word it like this: will you be my boyfriend?”

Louis’ heart leaps in his chest. _Yes, yes, always yes._ He’s nodding because words don’t want to formulate. And then Harry kisses him, much deeper and less fragile than the first time they kissed on New Year’s Eve.

“This is great!” Harry pulls back, eyes positively sparkling. “This is so great! I got tickets to see the new Batman v. Superman movie and we can go! And maybe after that we can go to dinner like a proper couple! I mean, one of our moms will probably have to drive us but that’s okay. I’m sure they won’t mind. And we can walk each other to class and hold hands and –”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Louis says, stomach twisting in nerves. “I’m not. I can’t be. I’m not comfortable with all of that yet.”

“What do you mean?” Harry’s eyebrows scrunch together in a cute look of confusion. Louis’ stomach turns.

“I’m not ready to be doing all that yet. Not in public.” With every word that Louis says, he watches as Harry’s face falls just a little bit more.

“Louis…” Harry trails off, taking a step back. _No, please no._ Louis already misses the closeness.

“I still want to be, like, together though!” He rushes to say because he’s afraid of the way that Harry looks so disappointed.

“Louis if you’re saying you’re not ready to be open with the fact that we’re together…” Harry says it in such a tone that has tears springing to Louis’ eyes.

“Not forever! I just am not ready for the world to know yet. But like the boys all know so I’m working on it, I promise I am!”

“I believe you. But I told myself that I’d never be with someone who wasn’t okay with being openly with me. Not after all the shit that I went through with Nick.”

“So,” Louis sniffled, turning away from Harry. “What are you saying?”

“Louis, I don’t think you realize how much Nick fucked me up. I loved him and he betrayed me. He kept me a secret under the guise of the closet just so that he could go around fucking other people. I can’t go through that again. Please don’t cry, Boo –”

“I’m not crying,” Louis lies weakly. Harry wraps a mitten covered hand around Louis’ arm comfortingly. Louis can’t help but let out a tiny sob. “But you know I would never do that to y-you. I’m not ready to tell anyone. I – I can’t help that right now. Please, Harry. Please.”

“I know you wouldn’t.”  Harry’s own voice sounded laced with tears. “But if you’re not ready to be open…I don’t think that I’m ready to date you yet.”

Louis lets out a shaky breath. “Okay.” He clears his throat. “Well this is not at all how I thought this conversation would go. Um. I think I’m going to go.”

“Louis,” Harry says regretfully, trying to pull him into a hug from behind. “You don’t have to go, you can stay. Mom already said you could stay the night if you wanted.”

“I just kinda want to be alone right now.” Louis musters enough strength to stop the tears but he won’t turn around and let Harry see the hurt that he can’t hide that’s written all over his face.

Daniel is at Harry’s house ten minutes later. He doesn’t say goodbye to Harry because he knows that Harry will want a hug and Louis just can’t handle that right now. When he gets in the van, Daniel looks concerned.

“Louis, are you okay?”

He doesn’t answer. Mostly because anything that he would say to Daniel would be taking out his frustrations on him. And Louis doesn’t even have the energy to be mean to Daniel.

As soon as he steps into the house, he almost wishes he’d gone somewhere else. Lottie and Fizz are practically screaming at each other for something. It’s probably either related to stealing each other’s clothes or the chores. Either way, Louis doesn’t care. When he gets upstairs, he can hear Jay getting frustrated because the twins are sloshing around too much in the bath. It’s all just so loud and chaotic. He closes his door to drown out the noise out there and also the noise from him.

The moment his body lands on his bed, the floodgates are reopened. He had never even considered the fact that Harry wouldn’t want to be with him. With the flirting and the kiss…he had just thought that Harry wanted it as much as he did. And he kind of did. If Louis weren’t such a fucking coward. He wants to be mad at Harry. He wants to be so fucking furious with him. But he can’t. Because he remembers what it was like to see Harry crumple in on himself on that bench the day that he found out that Nick was cheating on him. He hates that he fucking understands. It feels like its all Louis’ fault. If he could just not be so fucking afraid of how his mom and the rest of the fucking world would react, they could be together right now, kissing. Or holding hands or doing any of things that Harry had said. He wants that so much. And he wants that with Harry. But as much as he’s trying to force himself, he’s not ready for the world to know. He’s just not.

He keeps going over it in his head. How happy Harry had been. How excited. And then to watch the way his face fell and to know that it was all Louis’ fault. He felt like such shit. But he just can’t fucking help it.

When Louis comes back upstairs after an awkward dinner, he sees his phone flashing.

**I want you to know that you’re still my best friend. Always.**

**Louis pls don’t ignore me.**

**I’m sorry.**

**I know you’re not Nick. I just don’t want to get hurt again.**

**I’m sorry I made you cry** **L**

**Pls just tell me if you never want to talk to me again**

Louis read through all six messages twice before he sent his short reply.

_You’re still my best friend. Nothing changed that._

As much as he wanted to ice Harry out for hurting him, he understood. So he decided to forgive him. Or at least work on forgiving him. He shut off his phone and laid down to go to bed. The new semester started tomorrow and he really didn’t want to start it off with spending the whole night before on his phone.

-

When Louis walks into the school the next day, he’s determined to keep up appearances. He’s going to act like nothing happened with Harry. However, what hurts the most isn’t seeing Harry standing there in their meeting spot. What hurts the most is watching Zayn and Niall be cuddly with each other and knowing that he and Harry could be doing that if he weren’t such a coward. For a second, Louis holds his breath waiting for emotions to pass. On the many sites that he’s visited about the LGBT community, it says that it’s okay to not be ready. He just has to keep reminding himself of that.

“Where’s Liam?” He asks when he reaches the group. He glances around at the groups of students, looking for Liam.

“Not sure. He mumbled something about someone named Shayla and then took off.” Zayn says from his spot tucked under Niall’s arm.

Instantly Louis knows what Liam was freaking out about. He must have either seen Shayla or thought about it or something. She was the one who gave him Chlamydia. Liam probably can’t stand to see her after he told her that she gave it to him. Briefly Louis considers going after Liam to make sure the lad’s okay but he also doesn’t want to intrude if he just wants to be alone. Instead he turns to Harry,

“Hey Haz,” Louis says, smiling brightly. His heart is aching just a bit but he pushes through it. The look on Harry’s face was almost comical. Clearly he’s surprised that Louis is acting so casual after what happened yesterday.

“Hey Lou.” He replies, shuffling in his spot. His smile isn’t quite as bright as Louis’. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going really good.” Louis nods. “And you?”

“Oh I’m fine.” Harry says, rocking back and forth on his heels. “So…are you going to try out for the play? There are already flyers up all over the school.”

“Of course I am!” He says it before he really has a chance to think on it. As much as he has thought about it, he hadn’t actually made a decision on it, until now apparently.

“I can…come watch if you want?” Harry can’t even hide how hopeful he is. “I mean, for moral support.”

“Of course.” The bell rings right as he says it. “Well, I’m off to History. See you lads later.”

As he’s briskly walking away, he realizes that he needs to do a better job of being normal with Harry. He needs to pull out his acting skills and fake it until he makes it. As much as it hurts that he and Harry can’t be together, it hurts even worse to think that it could have ruined their friendship. He refuses to let that happen to them. There isn’t a world where Harry isn’t his best friend, no matter what happens between them. He and Harry are forever.

Louis is almost to class when he’s struck with a severe urge to wee. He glances at his phone for a time check and if he goes quickly, he won’t be late to class. So he runs to the nearest bathroom (which is two hallways away – who the fuck designed this building?) and does his business as quickly as he possibly can. He’s fairly proud of himself when he steps into the classroom just as the bell is ringing. The teacher is still busy shifting through papers at his desk as Louis scans the room for friends to sit next to. But all the seats are filled. Except the table in the very back. Next to Chris fucking Evans. He sighs loudly and goes to sit down. And of course, the first thing the teacher says is:

“I hope you like where you’re sitting because these are now your assigned seats. If you’re not in your assigned chair when the bell rings, you will be counted late. If you are not here within five minutes after class starts, you will be counted absent and will be unable to turn in the homework that is due for that day. I run this classroom just like I run the class that I teach at the university. That being said, some of you will not pass my class. You may have had other teachers who let you skirt by, giving you more chances than you deserve. That will not happen in my classroom.  I only give out second chances to those who deserve it. And I do not give third chances. Understood?”

Louis has to hold in a groan. He better fucking pass this class. Next to him, he sees Chris texting under the table. Mr. Latimer definitely wouldn’t like that. He has the urge to turn Chris in. But he decides against it, he won’t ever be the one who snitches on someone else.

It’s obvious the moment that Chris realizes who is sitting next to him. He audibly gasps and scoots as far away from Louis as possible. But then he does something that surprises Louis, though it really shouldn’t have.

“Mr. Latimer, I can’t sit next to him.” He blurts out.

“Well why did you sit there then?”

“He sat next to me!”

“Wow,” Mr. Latimer chuckles for a moment. “For a second I thought you were in high school. Clearly you don’t meet the maturity level to be in my class. Why don’t you take a visit down the street to the elementary school? I believe the ‘he started it’ argument is still a valid one in the first grade. Go on then.”

Chris doesn’t move, he’s clearly stunned that someone actually called him out. Louis is trying his hardest not to laugh because this is the most hilarious thing he’s ever experienced.

“No? You don’t feel like going back to the first grade? Well then you can get over it.” He turns around, writing a date on the board. And then he turns back around. “You both are on the same team, yes?”

Both of them nod silently. Suddenly Louis’ stomach is twisting into knots.

“Maybe that’s why your season wasn’t so hot. When teammates can’t even sit by each other, what makes them a team on the field?”

The silence after that is deafening. He called both of them out. And he was right. Their team is probably suffering from their strained relationship. Maybe if he made an effort to be nice to Chris, things would start to change between them. Next to him, he can hear Chris snickering. He clearly didn’t get the point that Mr. Latimer was trying to make. Louis sighs, frustrated, tuning back into the teacher droning on about other classroom policies. 

And it seemed like just his luck that he realized that it was only he and Harry who had lunch together this semester. For a moment, they sit next to each other in silence and Louis hates it. Fierceness runs through him, remembering his promise to himself that he refuses to let things be weird. So he rests his head on Harry’s shoulder like he would any other day. Like nothing ever happened. At first he can feel Harry tense up but then he relaxes, even putting his arm around Louis.

“Remember last year when we were sitting like this and Chris came over talking trash?” Louis says for no real reason. He should be eating and he will but he needs this moment to last as long as possible.

“Yeah, you punched the shit out of him.” Harry chuckles. He pulls Louis just a little bit closer and Louis releases a breath. “That was one of the best days to be honest.”

“Because I finally let loose on him?” Louis laughs, resisting the urge to run his fingertips over Harry’s chest.

“No,” Harry says, suddenly more serious. “Because that was the day that you called me your best friend.”

“You still are.” Louis whispers.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t blame you after…what happened if you never want to talk to me again.”

“There isn’t a world where you’re not my best friend.” Louis says. It’s probably one of the most honest, close to his heart things that he’s ever said. There are a few scary seconds where neither of them says anything. But then Harry pulls him close enough to where he can’t comfortably rest his head on Harry’s shoulder anymore. Instead they’re just sitting so close with Harry’s arm around Louis’ waist.

All Louis wanted to do was brush his hand over Harry’s cheek and press their lips together. He wants to want Harry’s hand and walk him to class. He wants to sleep with his head on Harry’s chest and feel Harry’s fingers trace comfortingly on his back. He wants so much.

Harry lets out a shaky breath like he can feel what Louis’ thinking. Or he’s feeling it himself. Louis wishes.

“Lou, your chicken is probably getting cold.” Harry says softly.

“But I am comfortable.” He pouts to Harry. “And you haven’t eaten much of yours either.”

“That’s because mine had a hair on it and I refuse to eat the rest.” Harry explains with a face that causes Louis to laugh.

“Wanna share mine?”

“No,” Harry denies while his stomach growls.

“Hazza, we’re sharing this chicken whether you like it or not.” He’s stubborn, there’s no denying that.

So they finish out their lunchtime by both of them leaning over Louis’ tray. Louis’ pretty sure that he hears some people snickering but he decides that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how people view what’s going on, they can think what they want, as long as Louis’ happy. And he is.

-

At dinner a few nights later, Jay keeps side eyeing him like she’s expecting him to go off or something. Not that he can really blame her, he has been known to display his dramatics at the table. But it’s been a while since he’s done that so he has no idea what she keeps looking at him suspiciously for. He decides to help with the dishes while the girls watch Finding Nemo with Daniel in the living room. And of course, Jay comes into the kitchen to help him. He knows what’s coming as soon as she steps foot into the room.

“Hey Boobear,” She starts, drying the dishes that he’s finished washing.

“Hey mum.” Louis tenses, preparing for whatever she’s about to say.

“So are you doing okay?” She says it so delicately that Louis has to sigh.

“Yes.” He focuses on the plate in his hand, swirling it around in the soapy water longer than necessary.

“Baby you know you can talk to me about absolutely anything, right? I will always be in your corner.”

“Yes I know,” Louis is a bit snappier than the situation probably calls for. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate what his mom is saying but it feels like he is being forced to talk and that makes him uncomfortable.

“It’s just…Daniel told me that he picked you up from Harry’s house the other day and you were crying. And you were supposed to stay the night. What happened?”

Louis froze. He had no idea what to even say. It’s not like he could tell his mum that the reason he was crying was because he didn’t want to come out yet and Harry wants to be with someone who is out. Apparently he took too long to answer because she drops the towel that she was using to dry dishes and pulls him into a hug. It’s kind of odd because his hands are dripping wet but relaxes into it anyway.

The thought of actually telling her passes through his mind and he gasps just from the thought. Tears come and suddenly he’s crying in her arms. He hates that he can get so emotional so quickly but when it comes to this subject and Jay it’s like he can’t even help it.

“Baby please tell me why the tears?” She asks, pulling back to reveal tears of her own.

Louis just shakes his head, wiping his own tears. He mumbles a tiny, “No.”

“You don’t want to talk about it?” She asks, squeezing Louis’ shoulder. Louis just nods weakly. “Alright baby. Just tell me, should I be worried about Harry?”

“What?” Louis asks in a voice that sounds emotion-stricken.

“Did he hurt you?” It’s clear in her eyes that she is totally not on the right track with what actually happened.

“No! It isn’t his fault, it was mine. Don’t be mad at him.” Louis pleaded because he can’t stand the thought of Jay being upset with Harry.

She insisted that she finish the dishes so Louis decided to go upstairs and get a start on his history homework. As he was flipping through his textbook looking for the answers to the worksheet, his phone buzzes. It’s Niall so Louis decides that his homework can wait.

“Hey Nialler.” Louis answers his phone, putting the homework page in his textbook to save the spot.

“Lou! So listen, tomorrow is Zayn’s birthday and since we can’t do anything for him after school I thought we could do something before school. So I got him a huge cupcake with two tiny candles that say 16. You need to be there though so that we can start the song on key!”

“First, Harry’s technically the one in choir so he could probably start it on key better than I could. And second, why can’t we do anything for him after school?”

“His parents are taking him to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. Also, you have a really good voice too. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t audition for choir with Harry.”

“Okay well I will be there. Promise.”

“Alright cool. See you tomorrow then.”

As soon as they hang up, Louis runs downstairs. Jay is still in the kitchen finishing up the last bit of dishes when he bursts in.

“Zayn’s birthday is tomorrow and I forgot to get him a present!” He yells, visibly startling her.

“Jesus!” She yells as she flips around. “Louis you almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry.” He says in a rush. “Mum I forgot to get Zayn a present, we need to go now!”

“Honey, I’m tired and they have me scheduled for a seven am shift tomorrow. There’s some money in my purse if you can get Daniel to take you.”

“But…” Louis trails off. “Can you ask him?”

“No.” She says immediately. “You’re a big boy, you can go ask him.”

Louis honestly considers not getting Zayn a gift. But he swallows his pride and walks to the living room where Finding Nemo is still playing. The girls are all laughing at the turtle on the screen as Louis clears his throat.

“Um, Daniel, could you possibly give me a ride to the store?”

“Sure!” He’s up in a second. Louis almost feels bad because Daniel is always so nice to him, so ready to do things for him even at the drop of a hat.

When they get to the store, Louis realizes that he has no idea what he wants to get Zayn. He’s aimlessly strolling through each aisle, looking for anything that catches his eye. Daniel is just awkwardly trailing behind Louis like he’s not sure if he should be trying to make conversation with Louis right now. And Louis almost laughs because he looks a bit ridiculous. But then he finds it – the perfect gift for Zayn. It’s a tiny little black sign with white lettering that says, “ **BE BOLD** _or italic_ but never regular” and it’s perfect for Zayn. Plus it leaves enough money to get him a card as well.

As soon as they get home, Louis goes searching for the birthday wrapping that he knows that they have somewhere in the house. As he’s wrapping the sign, he realizes that he probably should have thanked Daniel for taking him out. But it’s too late now, if he went and thanked him now, it’d probably just be weird. So he decides to go back to working on homework.

Louis is going through his backpack when he sees the flyer for the play try outs.  They’ve chosen to do Our Town this year. Louis’ heard of it. It’s a play about a young couple and there are a lot of deaths. Well, he already told Harry that he was trying out so there’s pretty much no backing out. Although honestly, Louis is kind of excited. Like, all he’s really done so far are comedy roles. Danny Zuko had his moments of seriousness but definitely not to the extent of the role of George Gibbs.

For a moment, Louis envisions himself on stage under the warm spotlight mourning the death of Emily. A true display of dramatics. Real tears. It would solidify him as an actor. Harry would be impressed with him. He’d be seen as someone with real talent, someone who…someone who could really make it. Louis takes his vision a step further, imagining it being brought up in interviews after he’s won a Tony or even a Grammy. His heart pounds at the thought of living out his dreams.

-

When Louis gets to school the next morning, he sees all his friends standing in their normal meeting spot. Of course he’s the last to actually make it there.  He accidentally avoids Harry’s gaze. He’s got Zayn’s wrapped present sitting gently between his textbooks but he’s waiting, as he suspects Harry and Liam are, for Niall to get things started. Zayn is glancing between all of them curiously, probably suspecting something since it’s not too often that everyone, Niall included, is completely silent.

Niall’s face is blooming red as he finally starts searching through his backpack. He pulls out the cupcake with the tiny candles already placed on it.

“Um,” He begins. “Since we aren’t able to actually throw you a party – ”

“Oh my god,” Zayn smiles, embarrassed. “Did you all know about this?”

Of course, the rest of them smile sheepishly. Before any of them can actually say anything though, Niall continues talking.

“Anyway, I got you this cupcake. Um, I can’t actually light the candles because we’d get in so much trouble for lighting something on fire in the school, trust me I already asked. But after we sing to you, which we are doing whether you like it or not, you can like, pretend to blow the candles out. I’m sure your wish will still come true.”

When Niall’s finished speaking, he gives Louis a look. He wants Louis to start the song. But that moment, he decides that he wants Harry to have it. So he glances to Harry, glad that he understands the look. Naturally, Harry starts the song on key. The rest of them follow and even a few random people join in. Zayn almost looks like he wants to murder Niall for all the attention but it’s also obvious that he loves it. That he loves Niall. Zayn blows out the pretend fire of the candles, smiling so big it’s almost blinding.

“I love you so much babe,” Zayn says, whispering it with so much emotion. Louis’ heart twists.

“I love you too.” Niall whispers back, leaning over to kiss Zayn.

Louis’ eyes travel to Harry to find Harry already looking at him. He looks away because his heart really can’t take making eye contact with Harry during such an emotional moment.

The bell interrupts the moment and Louis fully intends on running away. He barely even offers a wave before he’s off, down the hallway. What he’s not expecting though is for Harry to follow him.

“Lou,” Harry says, almost offendingly close. Louis runs every day and Harry’s stupid long legs still catch up to him like it’s nothing.

“What?” It comes off just a little more snappy than intended. He turns, the eye contact between them feeling way too forced.

“I just,” Harry starts, clearly not expecting the snap. The look on Harry’s face reminds Louis that he’s trying to save this friendship, not hide from it. “Um, are you busy tonight? I was thinking we could hang out at my house. Maybe we could … I don’t know. Just chill? Watch some shit telly or Skype Gems together. Something.”

Harry looks desperate. It makes a sad feeling turn in Louis’ stomach to think that he feels like it’s a desperate situation trying to get Louis to hang out with him.

“Harry,” Louis says apologetically. “Of course we can hang out. I mean I’ll have to ask my mom but I’m sure she won’t mind. Considering we’re with each other most of the time anyway, I think both of our families kind of expect it now.”

“You’re right,” Harry visibly relaxes. “Well I better get to class before I end up late. Ms. Clement will give me a detention if I’m late again.” He  turns to leave but Louis stops him for just another second.

“Um Harry?” He wants to tease Harry for being late to class even though he’s got long enough limbs to get across the entire school before the bell. But instead, “um we’re okay. Always will be.”

Harry gets this look on his face, one that Louis recognizes as the _I want to kiss you_ face. Louis wishes he was brave enough. Brave enough to walk over and kiss Harry until he can’t breathe. But instead he offers a weak smile and turns. He can’t watch Harry walk away from him.

When he settles into his seat next to Chris, he thinks back to the beginning of this year. As much as it really, really hurts that he and Harry can’t be together and as much as he really wants to hate himself because, face it, it is his fault, he has to take a step back. At the beginning of this year, he truly did hate himself because he just couldn’t force himself to love Eleanor the way that she loved him. And he _swore_ he’d never tell a soul about his sexuality. Yet here he is, a few months later and Niall, Zayn, Liam, and Harry all know. He’s making progress. And it’s okay that he is going slow. He just has to keep reminding himself of that.

“I know you’re a fairy and it’s hard for you but could you stop fucking staring?” Chris’ bitter voice cuts through Louis’ thoughts.

Louis glances around and apparently he was quiet enough that no one else heard. Or if they did, they ignored it. He almost bites back a response that’s just as bitter but then he stops himself. Mr. Latimer’s voice passes through his mind, _when teammates can’t even sit by each other, what makes them a team -on the field?_ And he thinks back to the resolution that he made to himself, to be nicer to Chris in hopes that something would change between them.

“Did you get last night’s homework finished?” Louis ignores how awkward it is to be making pleasantries with Chris. And of course, Chris doesn’t really go for it. He just gives Louis a pissed off look and then turns to his own work, picking up a pencil.

As Chris is reaching for the pencil, Louis sees a bit of a bruise peeking out from underneath his letterman jacket. Louis almost comments on it, thinking maybe that would be a better conversation starter but Chris sees him looking and hastily covers himself . Clearly Chris doesn’t want to talk to him at all. Apparently this is going to be much harder than he thought it’d be. Well, who is he kidding? Chris Evans is impossible.

-

By the time that the day is over, Louis has already gotten an okay from his mom about going over to Harry’s house. She’d sent a text basically saying that she’s actually grateful because that means her and Daniel end up with a bit of alone time. Ew.

Anne seems happy to see Louis when she comes to pick Harry up. It crosses Louis’ mind that Harry told Anne or Robin about what had happened between them. He gulps loudly, hoping that if Harry did tell either of them, he spared the details.

“How are my boys doing?” She asks cheerfully. Louis smiles, grateful that Anne includes Louis like he’s one of her own.

“Good!” Louis chirps back, like he’s talking to his own mother. “Guess what?”

“What?”

Harry watches on as Louis and his mom talk.

“I decided to audition for the play this year! I’m hoping to get the role of George Gibbs. Although Dr. Gibbs would be fine too.”

“Oh that’s wonderful! I know you’ll get the part! What’s the play about?” She engages.

“It’s sort of a tale about the importance of life. Like, it starts with Dr. Gibbs giving birth and like, it signifies the beginning of life. And it goes through the relationship of George Gibbs and Emily Webber and anyway, I won’t spoil it for you in case you come see the show but there are definitely some really sad parts too.”

“Well I know that Harry and I will be in the front row right next to Jay and your family.”

Hanging out with Harry for the first time since their _almost_ moment, it's weird. Louis is so aware of what he's doing and he hates it. He hates that he's worried about coming off like he's trying to be more than Harry's friend. But Harry doesn't seem worried at all. He hooks his arm through Louis’ as they both work on the homework that's assigned for their English class. Sadly they don't have it together anymore but the homework is still the same. They're reading _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and it's honestly one of the most capturing books that Louis’ read. He notices that Harry snuggles closer to him as they lay on the bed and he's tense for a second. But as soon as he goes back to paying attention to Scout’s conversation with Atticus, he relaxes next to Harry.

Louis startles a few minutes later when Harry's book drops from his hand and lands on his chest, pages folding in an themselves in a way that Louis knows  would bother Harry. So Louis glances at Harry, only allowing himself to fond a minute over the sleeping boy and then he gently sets his own book down to correctly close Harry's book. As slowly as he can, so as to not wake Harry, he reaches across Harry to put the book on his dresser.

Louis only reads another chapter before he starts to feel drowsy himself. He sets his book on top of Harry's and contemplates what he should do. In the end he decides that it'd be okay for him to take a nap with Harry in Harry's bed. It only makes his heart ache a little bit when he's got his eyes closed and he thinks about how nice it is to be lying next to Harry, their arms still hooked together. How much nicer it'd be if he could cuddle close to Harry and maybe kiss him a little too. But he can't because they can't. He thinks of only a few months earlier when the two fell asleep together and Louis woke up in a _situation._ Maybe not cuddling is a good thing. He still can't help wanting it, all things considered. Eventually though, Louis’ mind drifts from wishful reality to the realm of dreams.

Anne wakes them up for dinner, giving them these eyes like she doesn't trust what they've done. Maybe Louis’ hallucinating from sleep but he swears that Anne mumbled something about them being safe. He's probably hallucinating because what does that even mean? Of course they're safe, they're in Harry's house.

Dinner is good. Anne made some type of meatloaf and it's so good Louis slightly embarrasses himself with how quickly he's getting a second plate. But Harry's right behind him so he doesn't feel that bad.

After dinner the boys go upstairs to play FIFA and things start to go back towards normal between them. Of course Louis wins but it's still a bit unusual because he lets Harry win three times. Louis starts to wonder though, maybe they will be okay. Maybe, just maybe, they will actually move on.

Even though moving on is the last thing that Louis wants to do.

That night, Louis wakes up reading the clock with bleary eyes. _2:16 in the morning._ He really doesn't want to be awake right now but the nagging of his bladder forces him out of bed.

After Louis’ finished doing his business and he crawls back under the warmth of the duvet, he nearly jumps when he feels Harry wrap an arm around him, pulling him close.

_“_ Harry,” Louis whispers into the darkness. But all he gets is a sleep snuffle in return.

Louis only lets one tear loose before he gives in and snuggles as close to Harry as possible.

_-_

To say that Louis is nervous is probably one of the hugest understatements of the century. He's sitting backstage with a script which Eleanor had given him. It's weird because the drama teacher is definitely usually here by now but she's nowhere to be seen.

He feels weird because he's in Harry's clothes – he really needs to bring some of his own clothes to Harry's with as much as he's over there – and he knows that Harry and Liam are in the auditorium somewhere waiting to watch him audition. He’s not sure how he will do with this considering that this is the first play that he’s ever tried out for.

When the drama teacher does show up, it’s fifteen minutes after the auditions were scheduled to start. If she had been someone wanting to audition, she wouldn’t even be given a chance. However she looks frazzled and older than Louis had ever seen her. Apparently no one is going to mention it, they just go on with the auditions. Which, the audition process goes a lot quicker than normal, it’s almost as if she’s rushing through them.

Even with the rushing, Louis throws everything he has into George. He wants this role so badly, it hurts. And then it’s over just as quickly as it starts.

He’s surprised to see Eleanor outside the auditorium when he finally leaves through the side door.

“Did you notice how weird that was?” Eleanor questions, walking with him down the hallway toward the main doors to the auditorium where he’s expecting to see Liam and Harry.

“Yeah,” Louis nods. “First she’s late and then she’s rushing through. Something is definitely weird.”

“I’ve known her since my freshman year and I have never seen her like this.” Eleanor worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “All I know is that whatever’s wrong, she better have it fixed before rehearsals start or we’re going to have even bigger issues.”

“Oh my god,” Louis groans, a feeling of worry rolling through his stomach as he imagines rushed rehearsals.

“Lou!” Harry spots him first, running to Louis like they haven’t seen each other in months. Eleanor shoots him a knowing look but he just frowns because he wishes it’s what she’s thinking.

Liam claps Louis on the back and then he freezes, eyes stuck on the  hallway. Louis turns to see what he’s freaking out about and he sees Shayla. He wants to comfort Liam or tell him that he did the right thing in telling her but as far as Louis knows, he’s still the only one besides Liam’s parents who know about the Chlamydia thing. So he keeps quiet but he squeezes Liam’s shoulder, hoping he understands Louis’ intentions. Liam doesn’t even look at Louis until long after Shayla has passed.

“Okay,” Eleanor says with a smile, turning to Louis. “I’m going to head home. I’ll send you an email of the script so we can start learning our roles. It’s obvious that we’re going to be playing George and Emily.”

Louis wishes that he had her confidence. He hopes that she’s right though, he hopes that the two of them get the leads.

Both Liam and Harry end up coming over to Louis’ house that night and Jay pulls out all the stops for dinner. Although they spend most of their time working on homework which is decidedly the lamest thing ever. Not to mention Louis only gets one history assignment done in the time that Harry and Liam both completely finish their homework. He feels dumb in comparison to them but he works through it, pretending like he’s not struggling.

Eventually Liam’s mom comes to get him and it’s just Louis and Harry. Harry’s mom is coming soon too but Louis has to talk honestly with Harry even if it’s just for a few minutes.

“Thanks,” Louis whispers, closing his textbook as a distraction. “For coming to watch me. I wasn’t sure if you would, all things considered.”

“Lou,” Harry crowds in close and Louis tries not to look like he wants to be closer. “Remember what you said to me in the halls? We’ll always be okay. You meant it and I mean it now. We’re back to normal so let’s both just stop acting like we need to thank each other after we act like normal friends.”

Louis takes that as he needs to stop bringing it up. Which, Harry’s probably right. If they want to go back to how things were before the kiss and the break up before they even started a relationship, they probably need to stop bringing it up. But Louis’ heart aches for a moment because he really wants their normal to include more than friends. He sighs, knowing they’ll never have that, and he nods.

They’re so close that Louis can’t help but imagine what it’d be like if he could reach up on his tippy toes (because this boy is growing too damn much) and kiss him. Okay so maybe Harry’s back to normal but Louis wonders if he’ll ever be able to forget the feeling of kissing Harry. Nevertheless, he needs to put those feelings away.

He says goodbye to Harry when his mom shows up a few minutes later and as he goes to bed that night, he says goodbye to January. Which means Harry’s birthday.

-

The moment that Louis sees Harry the next day, he nearly jumps on him.  He’s singing Happy Birthday as loud as he possibly can, not caring that people are staring at them.  Of course the other boys join in as well. It’s not as well organized as it was for Zayn’s birthday but it doesn’t matter, Harry’s smiling so bright it his cheeks look like they hurt.

“You’ll have to come to my house to get your present.” Louis apologizes. He didn’t want to bring it to school like he had with Zayn’s. It has been hiding under his bed since a few days after the kiss on New Year’s.

“That’s okay,” Harry says like he means it because he’s got the biggest heart and the humblest attitude of anyone that Louis knows. “Presents don’t matter to me.”

The bell rings while Harry’s still opening the packaging of the headphones that Zayn bought him (matching with the new John Mayer album that Niall bought him because they’re a disgusting couple). Louis regretfully has to leave the mini party if he wants to get to his history class on time.

Chris is playing Temple Run on his phone when Louis gets to his seat. He actually spares Louis a glance that isn’t entirely filled with hate so Louis takes that as a sign that maybe he’d be up for an actual conversation.

“Hey.” Louis starts. Silence. “Did you do the homework. Kinda difficult, right?”

Aaaand there’s the hatred. He glares at Louis and opens his mouth, no doubt to say something rooted in anger. But there’s a tap on Chris’ desk that takes both of their attention.

“Boys,” Mr. Latimer says. “Sorry to interrupt but if you’d like to avoid zeroes in the grade book, I’ll collect your homework now.”

Louis springs into action, digging through his papers to find the assignment that he finished last night. When he pulls it out, he apologizes and hands it to the teacher. Mr. Latimer still looks irritated that the two of them weren’t paying attention but then he turns his gaze to Chris.

“Mr. Evans, your homework?” The whole class is looking at him, holding their breath.

“I um, let it at home, sir.” Chris excuses. His face is turning red and Louis actually feels sort of bad for him which he hasn’t felt since the time in the locker room when Chris had a bloody nose.

“We’ve barely started the semester,” Mr. Latimer says, almost tsking. “Not the way you want to start off.”

And then he’s moving on to collect homework from other students. Louis thinks that embarrassing him like that in front of the entire class was uncalled for and definitely a little rude. If Louis wasn’t positive that Chris would call him a fairy, Louis would try to offer Chris some comfort.

The lecture starts not long after and Louis tries to take notes. It’s clear why Mr. Latimer went into teaching. Even though he can be a dick to students, he gets passionate when he’s talking about history. Unfortunately, Louis does not share that same passion. His mind starts to wonder to when the call back list will be put up. Usually it’s fairly soon after auditions but this time the drama teacher didn’t even mention when they’d be posted.

He zones back in and glances at the clock, only six more minutes left of class. Mr. Latimer has stopped lecturing in favor of going through what looks like old homework assignments.

“I’ll be handing back the assignments that were due last week.” He says, organizing the pile on his desk. “I suggest you correct your mistakes and keep these assignments as they will serve as the study guides for your tests. If you’re confused about your grades, please come talk to me.”

He starts handing out assignments on each student’s desk. Louis worries because he doesn’t feel like he’s failing these assignments but he’s been struggling with them more than he had originally anticipated. By the time that he gets to Chris and Louis’ desk, they have less than a minute of class remaining. He hands Louis his stack and Louis nearly gasps when Chris only receives two papers. They had five assignments due last week, how has he only completed two?

Louis’ distracted from Chris’ problems when he sees that he got a B and four C’s on his assignments. The B isn’t too bad but if he continues getting C’s his overall grade will suffer and he’s got to keep good grades to be involved in extracurricular stuff. He can’t let himself fall behind in this class or he will fail.

For the rest of the day, Louis stresses over what he got on the assignments he’s turned in since he pretty much got C’s across the board. His mom would not be happy about this either. She’d lecture him about the importance of grades and threaten to take his phone away.

“Louis!” Eleanor stops him in the hall after the final bell has rang. “I just got a gift card to sonic from this guy that I’ve been seeing. Wanna go with me?”

Louis agrees and texts Daniel that he got another ride home. As he and Eleanor are walking towards the student parking lot, he sees Harry.

“I’m going to go talk to Harry for a quick second.” He tells her, not even giving her a chance to respond before he’s bounding over.

“Hey,” Harry says, sounding a bit off. “How’s Eleanor?”

“She’s good,” Louis says. “Do you wanna come over tomorrow so I can give you your present?”

“I can’t,” Harry frowns. “My parents are taking me to visit my Nan this weekend. Maybe Monday night?”

“Sure,” Louis feels guilty and he doesn’t even know why. “Happy Birthday again, Harold.”

“Thanks, Lewis.”

They stand there laughing for  a second before he remembers that Eleanor is waiting on him. He regretfully excuses himself from the conversation to catch up to her. He wonders briefly if she still has feelings for him like she admitted earlier this year.

“So,” Louis says when they’re settled into her car. “Who’s this boy you’ve been seeing?”

“He’s actually a boy from uni,” She squeals. “I met him when I was touring Kingston.”

“He’s not, like, taking advantage of you, right?” Louis has to ask because he’s heard Eleanor’s history with boys and he’s heard about how horrible frat boys can be.

“No,” Eleanor smiles, almost in this private way that Louis feels he’s intruding on. “He’s been really sweet to me.  We haven’t even kissed yet.”

“I’m glad someone is treating you the way you deserve to be treated,” Louis smiles, squeezing her shoulder.

“You know,” Eleanor turns to Louis after they’ve parked. “I spent a long time being mad at you because you let me fall for you even though somewhere in your mind you knew you couldn’t love me back. But especially after trying to find a relationship after you, I’ve realized how lucky I was to experience that. You showed me that sex doesn’t equal love. You showed me that I have the right to expect more from my partner. I mean, don’t get me wrong, eventually I’m going have sex but right now, I’m just looking for the person, not the penis.”

“That was…” Louis trails off, “oddly poetic. And I’m sorry for hurting you. I think I’ll always be sorry.”

“You don’t need to be.” She smiles and then orders their drinks. “So tell me about you and Harry?”

“Oh believe me, there is nothing to tell. Friends forever, I suppose.” He shrugs sadly.

“No way.” She crosses her arms. “You know you don’t have to lie to me, I know you’ve had feelings for him since forever.”

“I’m not lying,” Louis says sadly. “We kissed twice. He asked me to be his boyfriend – ”

She interrupts him with a squeal as if she is proper fangirling over them.

“I said yes and then he said he wanted to go public and I wasn’t ready and that was that.” Louis shrugs again like he isn’t currently covered with a blanket of sadness.

“Wait so you both are in love with each other but you don’t want to be together because he wants to be public?” She asks incredulously.

“More like _he_ doesn’t want to be together because of Nick. Because Nick kept them a secret so he could cheat on Harry, Harry’s just really paranoid about secret relationships. And I’m trying not to be upset because as much as it hurts, I understand. And if the roles were reversed, I’d probably be the same way.”

“So you’re both just sitting there in love and doing nothing about it?” She still can’t believe it.

“Well no one said anything about The L Word.” Louis tries, not realizing how ridiculous this sounded until he tried to tell her.

“Okay well one of two things has to happen. Either we have to get him to see that you’re not keeping him a secret so you can cheat or you have to be ready to come out to the world.”

“Yeah,” Louis sighs. “Except neither of those things are going to happen any time soon.”

“That sucks.” Eleanor sighs with him and hands him his drink that she’s been handed by a worker.

For a few moments, they just sit there in silence, sipping on their slushies.

“Do you know when call backs are going to be listed?” He asks when he feels like he might get a brain freeze if he doesn’t take a break from his drink.

“No,” Eleanor says, clearly frustrated. “I don’t even know what the hell is going on.”

“Me either. I’m just hoping to keep my grades up enough to actually be in the play.”

“What classes are you struggling in?”

“Mr. Latimer,” That’s all Louis says and Eleanor immediately gets it.

“Oh my god, yeah his class was hard. Good luck.” She pauses briefly and then, “wait. Hasn’t Harry tutored you before?”

“Yeah?” Louis asks, confused as to why this matters.

“Soooo,” She drags out like it’s obvious. “You get him to tutor you. You’ll be spending more time together and maybe eventually one of you will change your mind.”

“That sounds like a scheme though. I don’t want to hang around him just so that he could possibly change his mind.”

“Or you change your mind.” She reminds. “Let me be real with you for just a second.”

“Oh lord,” Louis groans.

“You love him, he loves you.” Eleanor states like it’s obvious. Louis wants to correct her that there is no Love involved, just a whole lot of like. But she waves him off and continues. “But that doesn’t mean that either of you are going to wait around forever for the other one. Especially Harry. He’s out so you never know what other LGBT+ boys are out there, trying to cut them a slice of Styles – ”

“Did you have to phrase it like that?” Louis scrunches his nose.

“My point is you both have watched each other be in other relationships. Luckily, neither of those worked out. But you never know, some guy may walk into Harry’s life and next thing you know, he’s over you and head over heels for this other guy.”

“Are you telling me this to make me sad? Because mission accomplished.”

“No,” She softens. “I’m telling you this because it’s possibility. Just keep him close, yeah?”

Not long after that, Eleanor drives him home. Daniel and the girls are home, playing in the backyard. Louis gives them one glance and goes to the fridge for a snack. Part of him is nagging that he should be upset that Daniel is once again acting like their father but his mind is too stuck on Harry to care.

Eleanor is right. Some guy could swoop in and steal Harry from him. Even though they’re technically not together. But he’d had it in his mind that even though they’re not together right now, they’ll be together eventually. It never even crossed his mind that Harry could move on and be with someone, actually _be_ with someone who is out and proud. It sends Louis into a bit of a panic.

Once he’s finished with his snack, he heads up to his room and paces back and forth. Louis wasn’t worried about himself. There was no way that he would be able to have feelings for someone else. But what if he did? What if Louis fell in love with someone else? He did not want to. It hurt to even consider loving someone else.

He does the only thing he can think of – he calls Harry.

“Hello?” Harry’s voice sounds rough. Louis imagines that he’s been sleeping in the car ride to his Nan’s house. “Louis? … Lou, are you there?”

“Oh,” Louis says suddenly, having forgotten that he was actually supposed to speak. “Yeah, um hi.”

“Hi.” Harry says it shortly, sounding confused as to why he was repeating his greeting. “Lou, what’s up?”

“Nothing.” The word is out of his lips before he even has time to process it. “Nothing, I just. Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Louis laughs nervously. He isn’t making any sense, he knows. He just can’t seem to get his stuff together to actually have this conversation. All he can think about when he hears Harry’s voice is that one day he might belong to someone else. One day he might not be there to answer Louis’ calls. “Oh god.”

“Louis, you sound like you’re panicking. What’s going on? Please talk to me. You’re scaring me.” Harry’s voice sooths over the panic that was beginning to bubble over.

“it’s just about school. I’m, kinda struggling already.” Louis breathes, relief flooding. “Do you think that you could possibly tutor me again? Or even like, just sit with me while I do it. You know, just for like focus and stuff.”

“Of course,” Harry says it with a smile in his voice. “I … I would help you in any way that you need.”

Louis gets a weird feeling in his gut from the tone of voice that Harry used. It took him approximately two seconds to figure out what was happening. And when he did figure it out, he promptly freaked out.

“Okay thanks, I’ve got to go, bye Harry!” Louis hung up right as Harry was trying to say something else but Louis couldn’t focus.

Harry…had made his cock hard. It still felt weird using that kind of language even though it had been quite a while since he had learned it from Zayn and Niall. He thought about the way that the two seemed to know the words too well, like they had spoken them to each other. On one hand, Louis felt grossed out that he thought about his best friends engaged in such acts but on the other, he couldn’t help but feel a little curious. He had no intention of ever being involved with either of them in that way but… with Harry.

Louis felt his dick twitch in his pants and out of instinct, he grabbed himself, hissing at the contact. He got so hard so quickly. It was easy to get riled up when he usually did not allow himself to do this. In this moment though, Louis chose to be weak. Harry just had this tone in his voice, like his voice was raspy and nearly dripping and it just made Louis’ stomach clench every time he thought about it. And just the words he said, Louis couldn’t help but touch himself.

**-**

Monday comes and Louis sits in the cafeteria of the school with Harry’s present in his hands. He looks at the cheesy “Happy Birthday!” and twiddles the small box in his hands nervously. It’s a stupid present, he knows. There’s no way that Harry will actually like this.  Why did he even think that it would be a good idea to buy Harry a necklace for his birthday?

When Harry spots him, Louis gets even more nervous. He approaches Louis quickly, looking excited to see him. Louis’ stomach twists with something other than nerves.

“Lou!” Harry notices the box Louis’ hand and says, “You know you didn’t have to get me anything right?”

“I know,” Louis looks down, blushing. “I just felt like I should after that amazing cd that you made me. That…it was… awesome. So anyway, here.”

Louis quickly hands Harry the box before he can think twice about it. Harry instantly becomes like a child on Christmas, haphazardly tearing away the wrapping paper to reveal a black leather box. Louis starts rambling before he can stop himself.

“It’s kind of dumb, I totally won’t be offended if you don’t like it. I don’t…” Louis trails off, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Lou,” The tone of Harry’s voice changes drastically as he pulls the delicate silver band from the box, revealing a small silver paper plane. He gives Louis the _I wanna kiss you_ face.

Louis doesn’t know what to say. Harry is one of those people that lets his emotions show, clear as words on a page. He hopes that Harry can see on his face that he really wants Harry to kiss him, just maybe somewhere more private.

“Put it on me?” His voice is soft. Louis’ gulp is loud as he takes the chain from Harry’s hand, their fingertips brushing.

Harry lifts the little bit of curls that have grown out and Louis fastens the necklace. It’s such a simple act but it feels like it means something. When Harry turns back around to face Louis, he’s got that look in his eye again. Louis nearly takes a step back because he’s afraid that Harry would actually kiss him, right there in the middle of the cafeteria. But then, of course, Niall and Zayn come rushing towards them.

“You guys will not believe what this sap right here is doing!” Niall exclaims, pulling Zayn closer to him. He gives Zayn this small look and Louis almost looks away because of the sheer intimacy of the tiny look.

“It’s nothing,” Zayn blushes, going shy.

“This beautiful guy has a  gift for me for every day leading up to Valentine’s Day! This morning he surprised me at the door with a single rose. And then he was so excited about his plan that he spilled the beans. Isn’t that the cutest thing?”

He and Harry murmur agreement. Louis side eyes Harry, watching his reaction. Obviously, Zayn and Niall are basically the cutest couple in all of eternity and he is totally glad that they are doing well. It is so clear that the two are so in love. But that thought also makes something twist in Louis’ stomach but as he does with most important things, he pushes the feeling aside.

Liam comes bounding up next, looking fresh faced and excited. He jumps onto Niall’s back, nearly causing both of them to fall over. Everyone in the group laughs, the joy exuding from Liam becoming instantly contagious.

“Lima Bean!” Louis shouts, being obnoxiously loud because he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Well, he doesn’t care from approximately two seconds. When everyone breaks out into laughter, Louis is filled with pride.

The chaos continues around him but Louis zones out again. The bell sounding through the halls brings Louis back to the present and suddenly all the conversations are cut off and everyone scatters.

By the time that Louis makes it to his history class, he feels exhausted and he has come to the realization that he just wants to go home. He’s not sure that there is anything necessarily wrong but he’s just feeling like going home. And as much as he hates Chris, he knows him well enough to know that Chris is having a bad day. He can see the sour mood on Chris’ face the moment that he steps in the door. He didn’t realize how bad it was until he sat down.

“Can you scoot the fuck over? I don’t wanna catch a case of the homo.” Chris has this look on his face, like he’s absolutely disgusted. Suddenly Louis has another one of those snap moments.

He stands up, something coming over him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Louis yells. He doesn’t notice that everyone has turned to look at him. “I just fucking sat down.”

“Really, fairy?” Chris stands, towering over Louis, obviously trying to intimidate him. “Do you have something you want to say?”

“I just said it, you thick fuck.” Louis is surprised by the words that are coming out of his mouth but at this point, he can’t help it.

“Boys!” Mr. Latimer yells but Chris talks over him as though he didn’t even hear the teacher.

“You wanna say that to my face faggot?” Chris spits the words.

“Literally am saying this to your face right now.” Louis rolls his eyes. “But you know what? There is something I wanna say. Why the hell do you have such a problem with me? You have harassed me ever since we started high school. But it’s interesting because I haven’t heard you say shit about Niall. He’s on our team and he’s in a relationship – with a guy. So what the fuck is your problem with me?”

“Well,” Chris gets right up in Louis’ face and spits: “It isn’t gay if you’re on top.”

“HEEEEY!” Mr. Latimer’s voice roars, slicing through the moment so forcefully that Louis is legitimately scared for a moment. “BOTH OF YOU. IN THE HALL, N O W.”

The two of them follow Mr. Latimer out almost with their tails between their legs.

Louis is shaking, finally feeling the real effects of what just happened. He barely hears what Mr. Latimer says to Chris. In fact, he is barely hearing anything. That is, until Mr. Latimer says,

“You can go back in the classroom whenever you’re ready. Or if you’d like, I can write you a pass to the office so that you can call your parents to come get you. I understand that you may need a few minutes to cool down.”

“Um, wait, are you not sending me to the office? For like, trouble or whatever.” Louis couldn’t believe this.

“Well, maybe I should.” He says it with no actual emphasis. “But I’ve been hearing the snide comments that he’s been making to you. I’ve been discussing with my husband on how to handle this situation. He brought it to my attention that you are not the one bringing obstructive behavior into my classroom, you are merely dealing with what he’s been doing to you. So I’m choosing not to send you to the principal’s office.”

“Um,” Louis says the only thing that he can think to. “I’m not gay.”

He pats Louis on the shoulder quickly and says, “None of that matters. What matters is that I provide a safe environment for learning. Come back to class when you’re ready.”

Louis stands out in the hallway for what feels like forever. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling. The hallways are bare but it feels too crowded. Going to the bathroom to splash some water on his face seems like the best option to snap him out of this funk that this _interesting_ day has put him in.

Somehow, Louis makes it through the day. He wants to crawl in a hole for the entirety of the day and of course, by the time he’s sitting in the library with Harry after school, everyone knows (or thinks they know) what happened.

“So what all did Chris say?” Harry grips his pencil tightly as he asks.

“It’s not important.” Louis brushes it off quickly. He’s not sure he wants to see Harry’s reaction to the things that Chris said will be.

“Actually it is important. Word around the school is that he got suspended for three days. That’s definitely something big. You got suspended for three days for punching someone. Oh god, did he hit you? Are you okay?”

“Harry,” Louis once again brushes it off. “He didn’t hit me, I’m fine...But.”

“But what? What did he do?” Harry reaches out for Louis and then retracts his hand awkwardly.

“There’s just something that - that he said and I’m not quite sure what it means.” Louis can feel his cheeks turn a dark shade of red. And then he quickly says, “But I’m going to write it because it’s kind of. Well. Yeah.”

He grabs his notebook and opens it to a blank page. He hesitates and before he finally starts writing.

_He said that it’s only gay if you’re on top. What does that mean?_

Louis passes the paper to Harry. He studies Harry’s every reaction to it. When Harry goes slightly red, Louis knows that his question had something to do with sex. He watches Harry as he scribbles on the notebook paper and slides it back over to Louis.

_That’s actually a super homophobic thing to say. It’s referring to the idea that the bottom is somehow “more gay” than the top. Don’t listen to him, he’s literally stupid. He’s a literal dick, don’t pay attention to him at all._

Harry says, “Let’s get back to studying” into the silence and the moment is over.

-

“Honey,” Jay says, leaning against the doorframe. “I have something to talk to you about.”

Louis puts his book down on his desk and turns so that he’s facing her. The tone in her voice has Louis immediately concerned and his mind goes to the worst.

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?”

“No,” She laughs loudly. “Why do you always assume that? No. Anyway, as you know, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Well, it’s Daniel and I’s one year anniversary and we’re going out of town for a few nights. I’ve arranged for the girls to stay with Grandmum but I thought that maybe you’d want to stay with one of your friends maybe Niall or … Harry?”

“Is this your way of asking if Harry and I are still friends?” Louis pushes his toes into the plush carpet.

“Maybe,” She tries to keep a straight face and then she cracks the tiniest smile. “Yes”

“We’re fine.” That’s all Louis can muster. Because that’s all they are - fine.

“So you’re still friends?” She tucks a piece of brown hair behind her ear, ignoring Fizzie’s litany of _moooooooom_ from down the hall.

“Yes we are.”

“Love, you know that I love you right? No matter what, you will always be my baby.”

“Mom,” Louis interrupts her, with a little chuckle. “I get it. I'll see if they are okay with me staying the night for a few nights.”

“Well,” Jay looks sheepish, “Anne has already agreed to let you stay there.”

Louis groans, the image of their moms on the phone, picking apart what exactly happened between he and Harry, stuck in his mind.

“You didn't sit there and talk about us did you?”

“No!” She retorts, obviously lying. “I've got to go see what your sister wants but make sure you pack a bag. Daniel is taking you to school in the morning so he can drop your overnight bag off after.”

She runs out of the room, yelling at Fiz after that. Louis wonders what exactly she could have discussed with Anne. He has a mind to call Harry and discuss it with him but - that would bring their issues back to front and center most definitely. He is almost irritated with his mother for making these plans without even consulting him first.

He is immediately distracted from his line reading when his mind wonders back to the beginning of the year when he and Harry had a moment during one of the sleepovers. Well technically Harry still has no clue what happened that morning when Louis woke up to Harry's erection pressing between his bum cheeks. Just the thought of that has Louis’ dick twitching in his pants. Promptly, he decides it's time for a shower.

-

When Louis gets to school on The Gross People Day (also known as Valentine's Day) Niall and Zayn are already being disgusting off to the corner, oblivious to the world. Apparently Zayn got Niall some super cheesy finale gift, something about tickets to somewhere. Louis could barely hear considering their lips barely detached from each other. Liam was in the middle of an early mathletes meeting (they wanted to be considerate of the holiday, puke) which meant that Louis was stuck twiddling his thumbs until Harry got to school - which he was unusually late today.

“Hey,” Louis quickly walks over to Harry, glad to see him. “Do you want to walk with me to class? Chris will be there and I just, yeah.”

“Sure. Can I ask you something?” Harry looks at his shoes as he asks the question and Louis digs his nails into his palm.

“Of course you can.” Louis breathes nervously.

“How often does Chris say things like that comment you told me? Is he...does this happen to you all the time?”

Louis wasn't sure what to say. His first reaction is to deny it all. He wants to hide it because it's humiliating to admit that after all this time, Chris is still giving him trouble. Apparently Louis’ silence was answer enough for Harry.

“Lou,” Harry sounds absolutely wounded. “You need to tell an adult. You...you don't deserve this. If you want, we can go talk to someone together -”

“No!” Louis interrupts in a panic. “It's not that big of a deal, I'm handling it. Please just, leave it alone.”

“Are you sure? I just think that he shouldn't be allowed to talk to you like that.” He's fiercely protective and it's fiercely attractive. Louis gets the strong urge to lean over and kiss Harry. He wishes for the millionth time that he had more courage. Maybe one day he will. But maybe one day it'll be too late.

“Please, Harry.” Louis takes on a joking manner. “Take it from me, he's just some dumb jock.”

Harry looks skeptical for the rest of the walk to class but thankfully he doesn't bring it up again.

-

Staying the night with Harry seems to be exactly what Louis needed to repair their relationship. Or, friendship he should say. They spend the first two hours after school working on homework.

“Hey Harry, can you help me for a second?” Louis groans in frustration, slamming his history book on the floor in front of him. “I have been looking for the answer for like a thousand years and I just can't freaking see it.”

Harry comes over and gently takes the textbook and worksheet from Louis. He takes approximately two minutes to find the answer. Louis rolls his eyes in frustration.

“How are you so perfect ?” Louis asks in a moment of honesty.

“I’m not perfect.” Harry is sitting cross legged, across from Louis. His curls have grown even longer. Louis is immensely attracted to him.

The sunlight is streaming through Harry’s window, casting rays onto Harry's hair. In the sunlight, Harry’s best features are illuminated. Louis can't belly but get lost in him.

“Lou did you hear what I said?” Harry is completely oblivious to what is going through Louis’ mind.

“No, sorry, I got distracted.”

“You were literally looking at me the whole time.” Harry laughs before it clicks. “Oh. Louis, was I the one that distracted you?”

Louis doesn't say anything. What can you say in that moment? They already discussed the idea that they need to move past this thing that they have for each other and continuously bringing it up doesn't help the situation at all. So he chooses silence.

“It's okay, you know,” Harry says, his hand covering over Louis’. Harry's hand is warm and Louis stares at the way Harry's large hand completely engulfs Louis’. “I get distracted by you all the time.”

Louis chances a glance at Harry. He's already looking at Louis with the look. He has the _I want to kiss you_ face and Louis almost starts to lean in. They're here, in a safe place - a private place.

Louis lets himself feel, for just a moment, what it would be like if they were together here in this moment if Harry were his boyfriend and they were casually doing homework together. He'd lean over and use the word “babe” in reference to Harry and he would run his fingers through Harry's beautiful curls and he would remind Harry that there isn't a heartbeat of his that doesn't belong to Harry.

Louis can see Harry inching a little closer and Louis thinks that this is the moment where he should be stopping Harry. He should be telling Harry that it isn’t smart for them to do this. But what his mind knows and what his heart wants are completely different things. So he watches Harry’s lips as they come closer to his, heart beating faster with every passing second.

And then Gemma is bursting through the door.

“Losers!” She smiles, giving them a knowing look.

Harry is up and in his sister’s arms in a matter of seconds. His words are flying out of his mouth so quickly that they are barely distinguishable. His cheeks are red and it almost looks like he’s on the verge of breaking into tears.

“How did you – when did you – did mom know – why, how are you here?”

“Sometimes you just get tired of the food from the cafeteria.” She shrugs it off as Harry finally lets go of her. Of course, the second she’s free, she’s pulling Louis into a hug. “Mom is making my favorite.”

“Chicken Jalapeño Popper Casserole?!” Louis maybe, almost yelled. So maybe he is obsessed with this particular dish but it’s basically everyone’s favorite.

“Yes, little brother.” She smiles at him as they separate. “Okay, well I’m going to leave you guys so you can get back to … whatever you were doing.”

Dinner is amazing. Not that Louis was expecting anything less. In fact, there are no left overs at all. Harry keeps sneaking glances at Louis the entire night but they don’t actually bring it up for the rest of the night.

-

The next morning as soon as Harry and Louis walk into the school building, Eleanor is grabbing Louis’ hand and dragging him away. He tries to question where exactly they are going and what the heck is going on but she doesn’t even acknowledge anything. When she turns down the theater hallway, Louis starts to get nervous.

“Look.” Is all that she says, pointing to the theater bulletin board.

Louis scans the list. And then he scans it again and again. He’s not on it. He didn’t get a part – not George, not the Stage Manager, not even an understudy. He gasps, feeling like the air that gets into his lungs is even more crushing than the feeling of having no air in his lungs at all. This is real, this is reality. He auditioned and got rejected. He isn’t good enough.

“Oh my god.” His words are whispered, barely even audible.

“I can’t believe she didn’t give you George. You deserved that part. Anthony and I have zero chemistry in real life and especially on stage. He thinks he deserves a Tony for literally everything he does. And like, it’s been a fucking long time since we even auditioned, this show is going to be such shit. We barely have any time to rehearse.”

Louis doesn’t respond. He makes some sort of sound to let her know that he understood what she was saying but he honestly cannot formulate words. The tears threaten to spill and that’s when he starts running down the hallway in search of Harry. He knows that Harry is probably still in the commons area and he searches through blurry eyes. He keeps letting out tiny whimpers, trying as hard as he possibly can to contain the emotion that is threatening to spill over.

When he finds Harry, he finally collapses, practically throwing himself into Harry’s arms. He keeps muttering out apologies because maybe it is a bit dramatic to burst into tears because he didn’t get a part in the play. It’s just, he thought that this would round him out as an actor. This would prove that he can do more than silly musicals. He can be serious. But apparently not. Apparently he isn’t good enough for anything but making people laugh.

“Louis, what’s the matter? What did Eleanor do? Are you okay?” Harry squeezes Louis tight and then starts lightly rubbing his back. Louis can’t respond with actual words other than apologies. “Hey, babe, let’s move over to the bathroom, yeah?”

Louis follows, trying to not pay attention to the people looking at him. He knows that there will probably be rumors about him now or people talking shit on how he’s such a wimp for crying over not getting a part. Some people probably even think that he deserves this. Louis clutches onto Harry even harder, trying to press those thoughts out of his mind; they only make him feel worse.

It takes a full two minutes for Louis to calm down once they get into the bathroom. He breaths, letting the hysterical feelings leave him. It’s here, with his wet cheek pressed against Harry’s damp shirt that Louis feels safe. This is home. Well, minus the gross bathroom.

“Lou?” Harry’s voice is hesitant and soft.

“I um,” Louis clears his throat, trying to rid himself of the emotion. “I didn’t get a part in the play.”

“What?” Harry goes from shocked to mad in a matter of seconds. “How could she not give you a part? You’re the best actor in the entire school, everyone knows that. You know what? I heard that they are forcing her to resign. I bet this is how she’s trying to get back at the school, by producing something that’s inherently going to be worse off without you.”

“Wait, where did you hear that?” Louis sniffles, wiping his eyes. He feels embarrassment weighing down on him from the scene that he just caused.

“I was in the office the other day to dispute a tardy and I heard one of the office ladies talking about it.”

“Oh my god,” He says. It makes perfect sense. Well, the whole thing with her taking forever to post the cast list and being late to auditions and the auditions in general being so weird. She also seemed to be a lot more harsh last semester during the musical than she was the previous year. It all makes sense. He seriously doubts that she didn’t cast him as an act of spite though.

The bell rings and ruins their moment. The two of them rush off to class and the day begins.

-

The next few days with Harry seem to fly right by. Before he knows it, and certainly before he’s ready for it, he’s climbing into Harry’s bed on the last night before Jay and Daniel are scheduled to be back from their holiday together. He lays there, watching Harry play Tetris on his phone. He just wants to talk. He’s not even sure what he wants to talk about, he just knows that he doesn’t want to spend their last night together just sleeping.

“Hey Harry.” Louis says it, not even making it a question. He just says it.

“Yes?” He sets his phone down and turns on his side, giving Louis his full attention. This is exactly why Harry is one of his favorite people – he’s always got his attention on Louis. It may sound really conceited but he just loves that.

“How are you?”

Harry literally burst out laughing and then quickly covered his mouth. It’s one of Louis’ favorite things to watch Harry do. He’s laughing before he even realizes what he’s laughing about.

“I’m sorry,” Harry’s laughing calms down. “There’s just something funny about us exchanging pleasantries while we’re both laying in my bed.”

“I just kinda realized that I talk about myself a lot and sometimes I’m just not really a good friend honestly.” He has no idea where that came but as soon as the words are out, he knows that it’s true or in the very least that’s how he actually feels.

“Okay, that is not true.” Harry soothes, brushing his hand down Louis’ bare arm, causing goosebumps to erupt. “You’re a great friend. If any of us have ever needed you, you never hesitate to help us in any way that you can.”

“I mean I guess. I just feel like sometimes I always make it about me.” He shrugs, feeling like even now, he’s making it about himself.

 “Louis, I’m about to be really honest with you right now.” Harry scoots closer and Louis gets nervous. “You have every right to have the spotlight, especially as of recently. You’ve gone through a lot of shit this year. I mean, you were coming out to people for the first time and you’ve been dealing with your mom and Daniel and your issues with Mark. You’ve had a lot on your plate.”

“Has it been that obvious?”

“No,” Harry squeezes Louis’ arm reassuringly. “I just know because I get the great honor of having your trust.”

“Oh my gosh,” Louis chuckles but blushes at Harry’s comment. “You big sap. _The great honor of having my trust_ , you’re such a nerd.”

The two of them start laughing  and all Louis can think is that he feels so safe and warm. He could stay here in this moment with Harry forever, escaping all the other crap that has happened beyond that door. But he knows that that can’t ever happen because this is life.

“But back to the serious note,” Louis’ smile relaxes as the moment gets more serious. “What’s been going on in your life?”

“I mean,” Harry turns to lay on his back. “Nothing really. I got in trouble the other day because I haven’t helped with my chores in the last week.  Oh! And, the other day I decided that it would be a fantastic idea to shave my legs. That turned out quite painfully.”

“Why in the world did you decide to shave your legs?”

“I don’t know,” Harry shrugged lightly, barely even moving the duvet that came up to his shoulders. “I was just watching a commercial on razors for women and I decided that I really liked the way that their shaved legs look. And honestly, I might keep it like this, as soon as I find a more delicate razor.”

They continue discussing razors and such until they once again settle into a comfortable silence. Louis just has to break it though. That’s what he does best.

“Harry, tell me something deep. Like, something that you haven’t ever really told anyone else.”

“Uuuum,” Harry drags the word out, clearly searching for something to say. “Well, there is one thing that I don’t ever talk about and…only my immediate family knows about it.”

Louis readjusts so that he can be even closer to Harry. When Harry turns to lay on his back, letting out a shaky breath, Louis starts to get nervous for him. Harry pushes his curls away from his face and stares at the ceiling.

“Hey,” Louis grips Harry’s hand lightly. “You know you don’t ever have to tell me something if you’re uncomfortable with talking about it. I never want you to feel like I push you about anything.”

“No,” Harry meets his eyes, showing absolutely no walls. “I want to tell you. You’re important to me. Just, be warned, it’s. It’s a lot.”

“Okay.” The one word is all the Louis settles on because he can’t think of anything else to say in the moment. Maybe he could have said something that would  better comfort Harry in this time but the right words aren’t there. He’d rather say nothing at all then say something that would mess it up. So he chooses to just let Harry continue.

“Okay well I honestly barely even remember this. I was pretty young when it happened. Honestly, I don’t even remember how old I was when this happened but. Okay. So when my mom and Des got divorced, it was messy as hell. It was _bad_. It got so bad that Gemma and I were sent to live with our Uncle Tony.”

Harry takes a moment to sit up and Louis follows suit. Never once has Harry mentioned any family members outside of his immediate family (other than his Nan). Louis’ stomach starts to turn with nerves, wondering how badly this story is about to go.

“Uncle Tony was an alcoholic. My mom knew that he drank a lot but no one knew the extent of it. When he was drunk he would become very mean – just generally someone that you didn’t want to be around. Living with Uncle Tony was bad but it quickly started going from bad to worse. One night, I was in my room playing with something; I don’t even remember what it was but he came storming in and he smacked the toy from my hands.

“Obviously, I was upset. I mean, I was pretty young and he’d just broken one of my toys.” His voice gets strained with emotion. “He was yelling so loud. Gemma came in to see what was with the yelling right when Uncle Tony basically threw me against the wall. My arm broke in three places. We went to live with my mom after that and I have never, ever seen or heard from Uncle Tony again.”

Louis is in literal tears. He slips his fingers between Harry’s and squeezes, probably boarding on too hard. Never, in a million years, would Louis have ever thought Harry to be a victim of child abuse. Granted, the abuse didn’t come from his parents as it does in most child abuse cases but it still baffles Louis and he begins to honestly see the world a little differently.

“Oh my gosh, Harry,” Louis lets his tears fall freely but he stops to wipe the few tears from Harry’s cheeks. “That is absolutely horrible. I can’t believe that you had to go through something so traumatizing.”

“You know the sad part about it is that I’m actually lucky. There are some kids out there who have to suffer abuse like that every single day.”

“Awful,” Louis shakes his head.

Sometimes it’s so easy to get wrapped up in his own little world and magnetize his issues. But this world is a truly horrifying place and in the grand scheme of things, his problems are not even that big of an issue. At least he can come home and feel safe. He has parents who love him and his sisters are the best girls in the whole world. Yes, school can sometimes be hard but  even the fact that he gets to go to school is a privilege. His life has been actually pretty good.

“Harry,” Louis waits until Harry is looking him directly in the eyes. “I want you to know that you are one of the best people I know. You have been through a lot and people don’t even know it because you are an overcomer. I’m so proud of you for being able to share that awful experience with me. I’m just so glad that you were one of the lucky ones. I love you, Haz.”

His stomach starts twisting and turning because vulnerability, especially in this sense, has always been a struggle for Louis. But he said exactly what he wanted to say and judging by the fact that Harry just keeps squeezing his hand, Harry probably appreciates Louis’ vulnerability in that moment.

It didn’t seem possible before but the two of them grew even closer that night.

-

When March rolls around, their group of five is blind sighted by something that they never thought was possible. Liam’s picture perfect family nearly collapses. When Zayn’s name lights up Louis’ phone, Louis was not expecting Zayn’s panicked voice begging for Louis to come over. All he had to do was explain the situation to his mother and she was driving him over to Zayn’s, half panicked herself. For just a moment, Louis’ heart warms at the idea that they have all become like one giant family, their mothers included.

All of the boys are already there when Louis arrives. Maura, Trish, Anne, and Jay all converse in the kitchen as the boys huddle together in Zayn’s room. As soon as Louis steps into Zayn’s room, he understands the panic that has been surrounding the situation. Harry’s got Liam wrapped in his arms and Liam is absolutely sobbing. Even just hearing the way that the sobs wreck through Liam causes Louis’ eyes to water.

Zayn already has tear tracks down his cheeks and Niall seems as though holding onto Zayn’s hand is the only thing that is keeping him from falling apart too. Harry, it’s hard to describe what Harry even looks like in this moment. He’s most certainly the most calm one, whispering reassurances to Liam. But he is also clearly upset with the notion that one of his best friends is distraught to say the least.

When Louis’ eyes meet Niall’s, he tosses his head in the direction of the door. Niall understands and follows Louis out into the hallway. As soon as the door closes behind them and they are a safe distance away, Louis starts in.

“Niall, what is going on? Is he okay? Is his family okay? This is serious, I can tell. I’ve never,” Louis’ voice waivers, emotion almost consuming him. “I’ve never heard him cry like that.”

“All we’ve been able to get out of him is that his parents got into a huge fight. Like, he mumbled something like ‘he broke everything’ which probably means exactly that. Lou, he walked to Zayn’s house. That’s like, a long ass walk. He lives out by the wealthy people you know? I mean, I know you know but, like, his family has never seen shit like this. It’s almost like everything that they’ve been sweeping under the rug got brought out. Anyway, that’s all we have gotten from him so far.”

Louis is definitely crying by the time that Niall goes back inside Zayn’s room. All he can think about is the nights when Mark and Jay used to fight like that. He’d have his little sisters in his arms, holding them while they cried. He had to be strong for them and he has to be strong for Liam now.

When Louis goes back into that room, this time he goes straight for Liam. He sits on Liam’s other side fitting his arms around Liam as much as he can. It seems that Liam didn’t even realize that Louis had arrived and when he feels Louis’ arms around him, Liam leans into Louis, letting more crocodile tears fall down his stained cheeks.

After that, they all take turns cuddling on Liam until he literally cries himself to sleep. All five of them fit themselves on Zayn’s mattress. They’re all tangled together but each of them make sure that they are touching Liam in some way. It may not be the best way to comfort him but it’s all they’ve got.

Louis is half asleep when a hand links with his. He’s not even sure if he can see his hand amongst the pile of boy that they have become but he knows that it’s Harry’s hand in his. He can tell simply by the way that it feels. He smiles to himself, thanking the powers that be that he ended up with these guys as his best friends. They love each other out loud and he doesn’t think he’ll ever find a group of guys like this again. He squeezes Harry’s hand, once again wondering where they all will be when high school ends.

-

Between the four of them, over the next week, they start piecing together what actually happened that night based on the little bits of information that Liam let slip. It might seem weird that they don’t just go ask Liam for the story but any time that anything remotely close to that day is brought up, Liam turns into a sad puppy and it’s unbearable. So they take it upon themselves to figure it out.

“So basically,” Zayn says at the lunch table in the commons before school. “Liam’s parents got into a huge fight over money.”

“Which is why Liam’s dad started breaking all the expensive things they had.” Niall chimed in. “Including the china set that Karen’s mom had given her just before she passed.”

“And that is why she packed all of her stuff and left.” Harry added.

“But not before she brought up every mistake that they had made in their marriage, specifically all the ways in which they failed in raising Liam.” Louis put in. He didn’t say anything about what Liam had told him a few days after that night. They were fighting over whose fault it was that Liam got chlamydia. So of course, he feels like it’s his fault that they were separating, even possibly getting a divorce.

“We need to do something for him.” Niall says sadly. “We need to help him get away from the hurt even if it’s just like a few hours or something.”

“Well, I don’t know about you guys but I know that when my parents divorced I didn’t want to be at home at all.” Harry suggests. “I think almost anything that keeps him away from his house will be a huge help to him.”

“Personally,” Louis recalls, thinking back to those horrible days. “I remember feeling like I had to always pretend that I was happy. Like when my mom would take us out to try bowling or something like that to pretend we were still some happy family, even a few months after Mark left, I felt pressured into being happy before I was ready to. So I think we should just do a sleepover or something where we can do things in the house. Maybe watch a movie or something chilled out like that.”

“But,” Harry interjects, flipping his curls away from his face. “We have to make sure we’ve seen the movie before. We don’t want to go in blind and there be something in the movie that will upset him.”

“So it’s agreed.” Zayn says solemnly but then breaks out in a smile. “I say we do it at Harry’s house because his mom is the best cook.”

They all chuckle but no one disagrees. So it’s settled, upon Anne’s permission obviously, that they are having a sleepover this coming weekend at Harry’s house. Louis highly doubts that his parents will even have an issue with him going over to Harry’s house. He barely even asks for permission anymore.

Louis breaks from the group as the bells rings to signify that they all need to start heading to class. His mind is distracted with thoughts of how well he’s been doing in school so when Zayn breaks through his conscious, Louis jumps.

“God, you scared me!” Louis laughs and Zayn chuckles with him.

Zayn has really come out of his shell. He used to be so shy and reserved, even when they were having moments of tension freshman year. For some reason, it really has been hitting him how much all of them have changed and how much changing they still have left to do.

“Sorry,” Zayn says, really not meaning it. It’s obvious by the mischievous glint in his eye. “Anyway, with all the Liam stuff that’s been happening recently, I haven’t had the chance to catch up with you.”

“How do you mean? Also, isn’t your class on the other side of the building?” It wasn’t that Louis was avoiding this mystery topic but Zayn will probably be late to class if he doesn’t start heading that way soon.

“Meh, class shmass. Who cares about maths anyway? I just wanted to see if you were okay, after not making it in the play. I know, and everyone knows, how much you love theater. It’s in your blood, you were practically born for the spotlight. So I can’t imagine that it would be hard for you.”

“Yeah,” Louis’ stomach twists because he’s honestly been kind of glad about new drama to distract him from the ache of rejection. It’s not that he would ever wish this pain on Liam but it’s been a good distraction. Even thinking that, though, makes Louis feel like a horrible person.

“Okay,” Zayn clearly wants more than a one word response from Louis. So he pushes even further. “Well, I think it’d be really cool if you and I hung out sometime. Maybe go to the mall or something. We haven’t really hung out in a while.”

“Yeah sure. That sounds great. I actually need some new jeans anyway.”

They separate and Louis heads into his first class of the day. It’s been weird in that class ever since all that stuff went down with Chris. He has barely even made eye contact with Louis. He seems as though he is finally done with giving Louis shit, or at least that is what Louis is hoping for. Louis’ thoughts about the whole Chris thing are interrupted when the morning announcements actually say something worth listening to.

“This year we will be hosting our first ever annual talent show. So if you have a talent that you would like to showcase to the school, auditions will be held this Friday after school. Signups are located next to the stage door. This will be a closed audition. All talent is welcome.”

Louis perks up in his seat. Immediately, he knows that he wants to audition. This can be his thing that he can do. This will be his moment in the spotlight. His thoughts start running so much that Mr. Latimer has to get his attention to hand in his homework.

Once class is over, Louis runs straight over to the theater hallway and puts his name on the list. There are only a few other people signed up when Louis signs his name which means he’ll probably get a fairly early slot in the auditions. He kind of wishes that Harry could come  watch this audition like he has in the past but he’s also kind of excited that this will be a surprise for all of them. Next to his name on the list, he writes the talent that he plans on showcasing – his singing.

In fact, he’s in such a good mood that he smiles and says “hey” to Daniel when he comes to pick Louis up from school. It’s one of those nights that his mom is pulling a night shift so Daniel is watching the girls. A brief thought of helping with dinner crosses Louis’ mind. But he chooses to go up to his room and research which song he should sing at the talent show instead.

He knows that he wants it to be something emotional. He wants to prove that he is more than just the guy to go to for some laughs; he can be serious and he can portray emotions. And obviously the best thing to preform would be something that actually has meaning to him. On the signup sheet, it said that they need to audition with the song that they plan on preforming at the actual show so that sets on the pressure to find the absolutely perfect song. After thirty minutes of indecisiveness, he calls the only other person that would truly understand this dilemma – Eleanor.

“I need your help.” Louis says into the phone before she even has a chance to get in a proper greeting.

“Of course. What’s up? Is everything okay?” She sounds a bit breathless and Louis certainly does not want to know why.

“So obviously I’m auditioning for the talent show – ” Louis’ dilemma is interrupted by squeals of excitement from Eleanor.

“Oh my gosh, yes! I thought of you when they announced that this morning! Ugh, I am so ready for this. So obviously you’re singing. What are you going to sing?!”

“That’s why I called because I can’t figure it out. All I know is that I want it to be something emotional and something that I can relate to you know?”

“Yeah, totally.” She is totally serious and that is exactly why Louis called her. “You can always better express the emotion if it is something you have felt before. But we don’t want to go too emotional because if you start sobbing on stage, that would be humiliating.”

“Yeah.” Louis agrees. “So no songs about daddy issues.”

“I can’t believe you just said that.” She is astonished. “You’ve never openly talked about your past with your dad like that, let alone in a joking manner.”

Louis doesn’t know what to say. So he changes the subject back to what they were originally talking about. “Eleanor, you have to help me pick a song.”

“Okay well, let me think…” She trails off, going mostly silent for a few minutes as she deliberates. “I’ve got it! There’s this song that I’ve heard on the radio a few times. It’s not super popular so you wouldn’t have to worry about people comparing you to the original artist or anything of that sort. I’m texting you a link to the YouTube lyric video. Anyway, this song has always reminded me of you and Harry. It’s absolutely perfect. Now, I’ve got to go, my boyfriend is on the other line.”

“The one from uni who gives you gift cards?” Louis teases.

“Yes byeee.” She’s smiling, Louis can hear it in her voice.

He’s so glad that they made it to this point. They are friends again and talking freely about people that they are interested in. Sometimes he forgets that he really is lucky.

He clicks on the link that she sent him, some song called _Secret Love Song Part II_ and then he doesn’t stop listening to it for a solid hour. This is the one, this is the song that he’s going to sing on Friday. He’s a little nervous because it’s not a song that he already knew but it is absolutely perfect. It’s emotional and it is one hundred percent the perfect song for him and Harry.

The rest of the night goes really well. Dinner is delicious and he decides that he needs to help with the washing since Daniel cooked. There is an awkward silence between them as they stand there and do the dishes together because it’s obvious that Daniel wants to have some sort of conversation but Louis is content with the silence.

He even has the motivation to get all of his homework done without bothering Harry. So Louis would consider this practically the perfect day. Minus the fact that one of his best friends is probably at home crying. Thoughts of what Liam must being going through are always there in the back of Louis’ mind. He worries about his friend so he calls Liam and when there is no reply, a sadness settles in Louis’ stomach. Louis types out a simple, _hope you’re doing alright. Love you bro._ text to Liam and calls it a night.

-

Friday comes quicker than Louis is ready for. He has spent practically every single moment of his free time practicing his song. He spent two hours on the phone with Harry trying to figure out how to make a karaoke track for the audition and he even took a video of himself singing it so that he could listen to where he needed to fix things. Eleanor listened to him singing it over the phone a few times and gave him some honest tips as well. He ended up forgetting about a maths assignment but he isn’t that worried. His grade in that class isn’t that bad. Right now, this audition takes precedence.

He is standing in the theater hallway before the nerves hit him. He’s not extremely nervous though, just the right amount of nervous. He can vaguely hear the girl who is in there singing before him. She’s not bad at all, definitely an alto. Louis thinks about what the other boys are doing right now. Liam, he knows, is in a mathletes meeting but the other three all agreed to wait for them out in the commons. He imagines that Harry is doing his homework because he’s just a good student like that. Zayn and Niall are probably flirting or generally being grossly in love. Louis smiles at that thought.

“Louis Tomlinson!”

He walks onto the stage after handing the techy his track and is caught off guard. He had been expecting the drama teacher to be the one who was heading the talent show. But instead, there were several people sitting in metal chairs on the stage. There wasn’t even a spotlight. It was kind of awkward. The choir teacher, the principal, and his English teacher from freshman year were the ones deciding whether or not he would make it into the talent show.

“Whenever you’re ready.” The choir director says.

Louis makes eye contact with the techy to show that he is indeed ready. The first few notes play and then he is singing. He lets his heart take charge during song and forgets about anything other than what these words mean to him. It’s over so quickly that Louis almost expecting to open his eyes to Simon Cowell scowling at him. But it’s just the same three high school teachers and the same stage. They look kind of impressed but Louis does not want to get his hopes up.

“We will post the list by Monday,” the principal smiles brightly. “Thank you, Louis.”

As Louis is walking out, the next person’s name is called and that is that. He did the best he could. Now all he can hope for is a list with his name on it. The thought of facing yet another rejection crosses through his mind but Louis pushes it away. He will deal with that if it comes.

Just as he suspected, by the time he makes it out to the commons area, Harry has his nose in the book that they are supposed to be reading for English and Niall’s slowly rubbing Zayn’s back as he is talking about something very animatedly. Niall is the first one to spot him.

“Loueh!” Niall’s loud voice echoes in the big area and suddenly all three of them are standing up to come talk to him. “How did it go?”

“It went well,” he blushes under the attention. “I did the best I could.”

“So you still won’t tell us what song you’re doing?” Harry pouts but hugs Louis in congratulation anyway.

“You’ll have to come to the show to find out. If I make it that is.”

“You’ll make it.” Zayn says firmly. “We’ve heard you sing.”

“I sure hope so.”

By the time they all head over to Harry’s house, it is already dinner time due to Liam’s mathletes meeting running late. Their plates are already sitting out on the table when they walk through the door. Anne made spinach and cream stuffed chicken over a bed of mashed potatoes and the five of them absolutely devour it.

“I love chicken stuffed anything.” Harry says blissfully.

After dinner the five of them crowd around the TV and watch way too many episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” and eating too much junk food. Anne and Robin watch a few episodes with them but mostly they just leave the boys to their own devices.

Although no one mentions it outright, everyone keeps an eye on Liam to see how he’s doing. He’s clearly upset but he seems to be doing alright for the most part. His real laugh comes out a few times during their TV binging so Louis would call that a success.

When it’s time for bed, they all have the mattresses down in Harry’s basement, much like they’ve done in the past. Liam ends up in the middle, between Harry and Zayn. This time Louis is the first one asleep, comforted by the fact that he’s close enough to Harry to feel the warmth from his body.

Zayn has to go home the next day because his parents have had some sort of family night for a month and Niall ends up leaving not long after. Louis suspects that either the family night thing was just a ploy because the two of them wanted to spend time alone or that Niall has become a part of Zayn’s family nights. Louis hopes it’s the latter.

So that left Harry, Liam, and Louis at Harry’s house. It becomes quite clear that Liam is avoiding going home so by the time that Sunday morning rolls around and Jay comes to pick Louis up, both Harry and Louis are offering to let Liam stay another night. Anne ends up practically forcing Liam to stay, going mama bear on him.

On the car ride home, Jay brings it up. “How’s Liam? I’ve spoken to Karen once since … none of them are doing well right now.”

“Liam is handling it. It’s been rough and he’s clearly not okay but he’s putting on a brave face and I know that he will be okay someday.”

“Poor thing,” She shakes her head softly. “You know you lot are really good friends for doing all you’ve done to help him feel better.”

“Meh,” Louis shrugs it off. “It’s nothing special, it’s just what friends do.”

-

As soon as Monday comes, Louis walks into the school building and heads straight for the theater hallway. Part of him is truly freaking out because if he sees another list without his name on it, he may just give up altogether. He knows that’s really childish and actors do face rejection a lot but two in a row would just tear him up.

His legs are jelly as he’s standing in front of the list, scanning. It’s organized alphabetically and as soon as it gets to the “T” section, there it is. His name in Times New Roman, black ink, twelve point font. Louis Tomlinson, singer. Honestly, it may be way too early to properly function but he does squeal.

“Hey, Tomlinson,” The drama teacher interrupts his little moment. “Did you make it into the show?”

“Yes,” Louis beams, almost victorious, especially in front of her.

“Hm.” That’s all she says before going through the stage door.

Part of him wants to be upset because clearly the drama teacher clearly has some sort of beef against him. But mostly, it just fuels a growing fire inside of him, a fire to be better and do better. Her nonbelief in him only serves to drive him to show all of them wrong.  He will show them all wrong, everyone who has ever had the audacity to think that he couldn’t do it.

Of course all the boys were absolutely overjoyed. They were a chorus of “I knew it!” and “So you can’t tell us your song yet?” which make Louis feel overwhelmed with love and support. Sometimes he looks around at all the other high schoolers who are switching best friends every week and constantly fighting and talking behind their “friends’” backs and he feels nothing but grateful for the friends that he chose. All five of them have that sense of loyalty and realness, even when shit hits the fan and even when everything is all good. Maybe it’s the future looming in the background but Louis keeps thinking of how lucky he is to have the four best friends in the world and how he really, really hopes that they’re in his life forever.

All day, Louis is so excited to tell his family about the talent show. None of them even know that there is going to be a talent show, let alone that he actually auditioned and made it in. He isn’t even sure that he’s told them about the play either. As he’s waiting for someone to pick him up, he debates on whether he wants to mention the play or not; he doesn’t really want them to pity him but he also kind of wants to share his experience.

It’s Daniel that picks Louis up from school. Louis jumps in the front seat and immediately worlds are flying from his mouth.

“Daniel, guess what?”

Daniel is surprised for a split second and then he starts talking.

“What?” He side eyes Louis a lot more than usual as he drives them home.

“Well okay,” Louis decided right then that he wants to tell at least someone in the family about the play. “So there were auditions for the play a while back and, well, I didn’t get a part.”

“Louis I am so sorry. You’re incredibly talented . Unfortunately that line of work is competitive and sometimes you have to deal with rejection. However, don’t let this deter you from continuing to audition. Yours is the kind of talent that requires the word’s attention. Honestly, I could see you making a living of this.”

“I know,” Louis says softly. He’s never, ever shared with anyone that theater is what he wants to do with his life so for Daniel to say that, it was actually really validating. “I haven’t stopped audition. In fact, I just found out that I landed a spot, the closing spot, in the first annual talent show!”

“That is fantastic!” Daniel turns to him when the car is safely parked in their driveway. He squeezes Louis’ shoulder and says, “I’m so proud of you.”

When the pair get inside the house, Louis immediately sees the table set with his favorite meal. He’s immediately suspicious. Jay is probably pregnant. He sits down at the table cautiously, expecting the worst. The girls are home earlier than normal and they’re all sitting at the table already. Jay comes out from the kitchen, dressed up quite a bit.

“What’s going on?” Louis asks, looking around the table. It’s clear that none of the girls know what is going on either. He meets his mother’s eyes he visibly sees her gulp.

“Your mother and I have some news.” Daniel declares as he walks over and joins Jay at the head of the table.

“So you’re pregnant?” Louis states, barely even making it sound like a question.

“Louis, no.” Jay almost looks like she wants to laugh at Louis’ assumption but she also sounds like she’s tired of him bringing it up all the time. It’s quiet for too long.

“Jay, do you want to tell them or should I?” Daniel’s voice shakes showing just how nervous he is.

“Kids,” Jay rests her hand over Louis’ and squeezes. “I have asked Daniel to move in and he has agreed.”

Relief floods through Louis. He lets out a sigh of relief and then glances around the table. Everyone is looking at him as if they’re waiting for him to explode; he shouldn’t be surprised but he kind of is. Finally, Louis breaks the silence.

“That’s all?” He smiles at his mother and quickly at Daniel. “I forgot he had another house honestly.”

And with that, the seal is broken and the younger girls rush to Daniel’s side, thrilled about the development. Even Lottie and Fizzie get up to hug and congratulate Daniel. Louis smiles and real genuine smile, directing it at Daniel.

“Okay, okay, our news is barely exciting compared to what Louis shared with me on the ride home!” Daniel directs the attention to Louis. Jay looks extremely pleased.

“Well, I auditioned for the talent show and I made it!”

All over again, everyone is celebrating. He is surrounded by his mom and his sisters and all their love and support and he is absolutely inspired. He feels so lucky to be able to have a house that is made home by the love that’s shared within the walls.

He calls Liam that night for help with his maths homework after he’s been working on the same problem for a solid ten minutes. When Liam answers, Louis can immediately tell that he’s not having a good night.

“Liam are you okay?” Louis asks, setting his pencil down.

“Um,” Liam sniffs and clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m, I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay if you’re not having a good night.” Louis’ heart aches for his friend. He wants nothing more than for Liam to have the same feeling about his family that Louis did tonight.

“I just um,” He lets out a shaky sigh. “I just talked to my sisters about what happened. Dad didn’t tell them. He put that on me. And um, it was just really hard. It’s really hard w-without them.”

Liam starts full on crying and Louis’ eyes start tearing up just hearing his friend in so much pain. He remembers back to when he first found out that Jay and Mark were getting a divorce. Louis was a mess, his sisters were a mess, and Jay was the biggest mess out of them all. The only one who didn’t seem to be upset about it was Mark.

“Li,” Louis lets out, composing himself so that he can be what Liam needs right now. “What can I do to make it better?”

“Nothing,” Liam says dejectedly. “There’s nothing anyone can do.”

He doesn’t know what to say or do after that because Liam is right. This is one of those things that only time can heal and that’s the hardest part.

“I’m sorry,” Liam whispers into the silence. “I didn’t even ask why you called.”

“Oh it’s nothing, I just had a question about my maths homework.”

The two of them continue the conversation talking about math and before they hang up, Liam is seemingly okay. He even lets out a tiny laugh at Louis’ lack of knowledge in the math department. As hard as it is to see his friend going through such a hard time, he just has to remember that sometimes not talking about it and letting him think of other things is exactly what Liam needs.

-

When Louis gets home from his first rehearsal for the talent show to see Lottie wearing full face makeup it hits him that while he’s been busy with football and theater and all the various other things his life has thrown at him, his kid sisters are all growing up too. Lottie may be young but she is getting older and he doesn’t know how to feel about it.

He goes to Fizzie’s room to check up on her and he sees her staring at her poster of Brittany Spears. It’s a little odd but she looks happy which is all that really matters. Next he goes to the twins’ room but it’s empty. For a moment, he panics because he doesn’t know where they are. However, as he searches downstairs, he sees that the back door was left ajar.

When he opens the door the rest of the way, he sees Daniel outside hiding behind a tree. Phoebe is hiding at the top of their wooden jungle gym and Daisy is across the yard searching for them. Louis can’t help but smile as he looks on at the interaction. The twins are so happy.

Louis nearly trips over a few boxes that have Daniel’s name on it in the kitchen. The odd boxes here and there and the addition of more “man” items in the bathroom are the only differences that Louis even notices that Daniel has moved in.

Finally, Louis climbs the stairs to go to his room and nearly jumps out of his skin when he sees that Lottie is now in his room. She’s sat on the top of his desk at her yellow nails that are, from the smell of it, freshly painted.

“Jesus, Lot. You scared me.” Louis holds his hand over his heart.

“Sorry,” She laughs, not even remotely sounding sorry. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What?” His heart starts beating fast in anticipation for whatever his little sister is about to bring up.

“So there’s this assignment at school that I have to do for school; we have to write a report over our hero and I want to write mine about you.” She doesn’t look at Louis and that shows him just how much she truly means what she is saying.

“Really?” Louis feels like he could cry. There is no greater honor than having your little sibling look up to you.

“I mean, I was thinking about writing it about mom but I mean, I kept thinking that you’re my big brother and sometimes I can tolerate your existence so.” She shrugs it off like it’s not a big deal and Louis can’t help but laugh

“Well thank you,” he laughs. “Sometimes I find you tolerable as well.”

He spends the better part of an hour helping her write her report. They start with information about him such as birthdate and biographical information like that. When they get to the section on what makes this person a hero, Louis really does almost cry. She lists how hard working he is, his bravery, and his big heart as the main reasons why he is her hero and further, why she hopes to be like him some day.

“Hey, Lottie,” Louis says as they finish up. He’s feeling emotional and especially close to his sister so he goes out on a limb. “I want to tell you something.”

“Oh god, more emotional stuff?” She fake gags.

“Well, it’s more like a secret. So you can’t tell anyone.” He pulls his fingers through his hair nervously before continuing. “I like boys.”

“Me too.” She legitimately rolls her eyes.

“No,” Louis continues, thinking that his sister doesn’t understand. “I like boys the way that I’m supposed to like girls.”

“I know.” She says simply. “That’s why I said me too. I’m pretty sure Daniel is the only one in this house who doesn’t like boys. Although…I sometimes question Fiz.”

“You already knew? Do you think mom knows?” Thinking of that makes Louis’ nerves kick into gear.

“No!” Lottie says quickly. “I am just extra observant. She’s at work all the time anyway, there’s no way that she would be able to know.”

“Okay.” He lets out a sigh of relief. “Alright, now get out of here ya hooligan. Some of us have real homework to do.”

“Whatever, loser.”

That night, Louis goes to bed with a smile on his face.

-

March seems to be speeding right on by; before he’s even realized it, the month is almost finished. His grades have improved dramatically; he’s got an A in almost all of his classes. Liam has been a great help any time that Louis needs it for his maths homework and he’s found himself enjoying most of his classes. If only he could get his grade in Mr. Latimer’s class up from the C that it’s been stuck at to an A, he would have a 4.0 and his mom would be so proud of him. So far, his grades on the small assignments have picked up but if he could get a good grade on the test that’s coming up, that could be what he needs to bring him into the B range which would make it possible to bring his grade up to an A before the end of the year. So basically, it is time to enlist Harry’s help again. And, Louis thinks back to the conversation that he had with Eleanor, keep him close at the same time.

Louis is walking down the theater hallway after school, headed to the commons area to find Harry. They’d agreed at lunch to work on some homework together before Louis’ talent show rehearsal. The drama teacher then comes out from the side door of the theater, pausing when she sees him.

“Tomlinson.” She nods. “I’ve heard you made it into the talent show. Congratulations are in order I suppose.”

“Thanks.” Louis almost phrases it as a question because he’s not even sure that she meant it as a compliment. He can clearly see that she is so different than the woman he first met a year ago. From the way she is now, he honestly would believe the story that Harry told him, that she is being forced to resign.

“I’m assuming you’re doing a singing act?” She asks.

“Yeah, I’m doing an emotional song.” He doesn’t know why he’s telling her this. Clearly she couldn’t care less about him. But then he just keeps going. “Can I ask you something? Why didn’t I get a part in the play?”

“Well, I could see that you weren’t yourself last semester. Something was going on with you and you let it affect the way you rehearsed. I couldn’t have that in another show. In addition to that, I didn’t see you in any of the roles. You didn’t fit with this show. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go.”

Louis is left speechless by that conversation. He’s upset but he’s also kind of glad? He’s not even sure what he is feeling. When he gets to the table that Harry is already sitting at, apparently it’s obvious that something is up.

“What’s going on? You look… confused.” Harry asks, his own brow furrowing.

“I just got told that the reason I didn’t get a part in the play is that I couldn’t keep my personal life out of rehearsal and because I didn’t fit the show.”

“Oh.” Harry looks as though he isn’t sure what to say and all Louis can think is that he’s in the exact same boat.

“I don’t even think I’m upset by that though.” He confesses. “Like, at least I know it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough.”

“Yeah,” Harry chimes in. “And honestly, you were going through a lot last semester. Anyone who is human would have had a hard time keeping that locked away, you know?”

Louis nods, letting the subject drop. He pulls out his history book and starts working on flashcards until it’s time for him to rehearse his song. The last rehearsal he did was kind of dry. He could tell by the feedback that he got as well as the fact that he’s just honestly getting a little tired of singing the same song. He doesn’t know how famous people tour the country (and other countries too if they’re good enough) and sing the same exact songs every single night. He’s sure that he would get sick of it if that were him. But today, he walks onto that stage, his fire refueled.

As he sings each word of his song, he thinks about Harry and all that they’ve been through. He thinks about himself and how much he really wishes that things would be different. He even thinks about his recent conversation with Lottie and how, maybe one day, things will be different.

-

“Okay, one more time.” Harry flips to the beginning of the flash cards.

They’re currently sat in Harry’s basement, studying for Louis’ test that he has the next day. He got special permission from his mother to stay the night at Harry’s house on a school night just because he really needed help studying. He’s been really struggling with the tests in this class so it’s extremely important that he does well on this one.

“Let’s make it a little more interesting though.” Harry says, with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Studying, truth or dare version. Every time that you get one wrong, you have to do a truth or a dare. Every time that you get one right, I have to do one.”

“I’ve never actually played this game!” Louis is excited. Last time that they played a game like this, Never Have I Ever, Louis learned some pretty interesting things about his friends. Maybe this time it won’t feel like he’s the loser who has never really done anything.

“Alright. What started World War II?”

“Ummm, the Germans.” Louis shrugs unconfidently.

“Be more specific. Who was the leader of Germany at that time?”

“Oh, I know this one!” Louis’ posture straightens. “Hitler. Hitler invaded Poland  and that is what started the second world war.”

“Correct. So now you get to ask me a truth or a dare.” Harry bit his lip.

Louis contemplated quietly. He’d never been good at these games because everyone else is just more experienced than him. So he chose the safe road.

“I choose truth. So…when was the last time you cried?”

“The night that Liam found out his parents were splitting and his mom moved out. I waited until everyone was asleep before I let it out. Okay, next question. What year did the war start and when did it end?”

“Shoot,” Louis closed his eyes, trying to remember. “It started iiiiin 1937? And I know it ended in 1945.”

“Incorrect. The war began in 1939. So I think I’m going to choose truth too.” Harry also contemplates for a few seconds before continuing. “When was the last time you thought about kissing me?”

“Well,” Louis clears his throat because he feels vulnerable. “I think about kissing you a lot – probably almost every day. But the last time that I almost did actually kiss you was the day we were in your room and Gemma came home and surprised you…alright! Next question.”

“Um,” Harry’s voice sounds a bit weird. Louis wonders if his truth is affecting him. “What was the bloodiest US battle?”

“The Battle of the Bulge.” Louis recites, mentally remembering that from his homework assignments. When Harry looks at him expectantly, he continues. “Oh, yeah I forgot. Okay ummm I dare you to call Zayn and tell him you have a crush on his mom and then hang up.”

Harry’s cheeks go red but he picks up his phone anyway. Louis makes Harry put it on speaker so that he can hear as well. When Zayn answers, sounding rather out of breath, Harry immediately starts talking.

“Zayn I have to tell you something really important that I’ve been holding back for a while now.”

“What is it?” Zayn immediately sounds concerned. Louis would almost feel bad if he weren’t too busy trying not to laugh.

“Your mom is hot.” Harry gets out and then he and Louis are both struggling to hold in their laughter so Harry hangs up.

“That was fucking hilarious!” Louis says through his hiccups of laughter.

“Whoa, you just dropped the f bomb.” Harry laughs even harder. “I’m so proud!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis brushes it off, pretending that he’s not blushing. “Let’s get back to studying.”

“Alright, this one is going to be a tough one.” Harry flicks his hair away from his face and asks, “What origin does that word holocaust have?”

“Oh, I remember this one from a homework question,” Louis says, searching through his memory for the correct answer. “Latin?”

“No.” Harry smiles and Louis is nervous for what he has planned. “The correct answer is Greek. And seeing as you got the answer wrong I think I’m going to choose dare.”

“Oh god, I’m nervous.” Louis admits.

“I dare youuu,” Harry drags it out, obviously still thinking. “To tell me the story of how you finally realized you were gay.”

“Chicken.” Louis doesn’t hesitate to say. His mind flashes back to being in Harry’s bed, feeling his erection pressing into Louis’ backside and how that, of all things, is what made him realize that he was gay. Of course, he can’t tell Harry that story, which would be the most humiliating thing of his entire life. He wouldn’t live through it. So he has to use a chicken.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t realize that you don’t really want to talk about being gay.” Harry frowns deeply.

“It’s not that,” Louis supplies. “It’s more just that exact story. I’m getting better at talk about the gay thing though. I actually told Lottie the other day.”

“Louis!” Harry’s frown instantly turns into a huge smile. “That’s amazing!”

“Give me another dare.” Louis replies, feeling suddenly more confident than before.

“I dare you to close your eyes.” Harry’s voice gets this tone that immediately makes Louis’ stomach start flipping.

He closes his eyes. The temptation to open his eyes and watch what Harry is doing is so strong that he nearly has to put his hands over his eyes. He can hear Harry moving around in the room. In fact, it sounds like Harry is shuffling closer to him. Louis bites his lip when he feels Harry’s breath on his face. _Harry is going to kiss me. Harry is going to kiss me!_ Louis keeps thinking the same thing over and over. It feels like minutes are passing by as he waits to feel Harry’s lips on his but it’s probably only a few seconds.

When he finally does feel Harry’s lips, it’s not where he’s expecting it. Harry’s lips tenderly plant themselves right on Louis’ left cheek for a few seconds before Harry leans over to whisper, “I’m so proud of you, Lou” into Louis’ ear.

He opens his eyes feeling like he’s in a daze. He’s left positively yearning for Harry. It’s both frustrating and amazing at the same time. He goes to sleep that night trying to keep his mind on anything else otherwise he’s afraid that he might legit get hard in Harry’s bed.

-

The morning of April first, Louis wakes up to a text from Liam that demands that they meet in the library before school. He worries that it has something to do with Liam’s parents so he’s up and ready to go way before he normally is. All the girls give him weird looks for being up and about but he is only concerned for his friend.

It’s no surprise that Liam is already in the library by the time that Louis makes it to school. He’s hiding back in the section that Louis has come to associate with him due to all their frantic conversations in this exact spot. And it looks as though today won’t be any different from that.

“Louis, thank god you’re finally here. I was beginning to have a meltdown.”

“Okay,” Louis says calmly, having learned that this is the best way to help Liam through these sort of situations. “What’s going on?”

“So you know how I got … that one thing from that girl in the musical?” Liam looks around, looking extra nervous.

“Chlamydia?” Louis whispers. “Do you have it again?”

“No I don’t have it again.” Liam shivers. “Once was lesson enough on safe sex. Don’t think I’ll ever have sex without a condom again. Anyway, so it’s been weighing on my conscious and I have to tell her. I have to tell her that she gave me chlamydia. If I don’t, I might just explode. I can’t not do the right thing.”

“Wait, I thought you told her this like months ago?” Louis’ brows furrow in confusion.

“Well,” Liam trails off. “I may have meant to but chickened out every time. But now, it’s eating at me. I have to tell her.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No,” Liam says firmly. “I have to do this. Plus it’ll look weird if you go with me. I just needed to talk about it to someone. They have rehearsal for the play tonight and so I’m going to wait for her and I’m going to tell her. Tonight. So basically if I turn up dead, that’s why.”

“You’re not going to die, Liam.” Louis chuckles. “I’m the drama queen between the two of us, not you, remember?”

“How could I forget?” Liam cracks a smile right as the bell rings and then the smile is gone. “See you on the other side.”

-

The test goes extremely well. He remembers nearly everything because he started associating each question with a dare or truth that he and Harry did. He finishes so quickly that when he gets up to turn the test in, he gets a few disbelieving glances from students.

By the time that school is over, Louis feels more empowered than ever. He’s doing well in school, he’s not getting more shit from Chris, he’s still got a performance to look forward to, and things are just overall going well for him. The only thing that still seems unsettled is his confusing relationship with Harry. They are friends. But they’re friends that have feelings for each other and are living in a constant state of tension? He’s honestly so confused about all of it. Does Harry want more? Has he decided that he can be with Louis even with him being in the closet? Or maybe he’s decided that he can wait? What is happening because they have almost kissed several times and Louis is pretty sure that he’s not imagining that. And that means that someone with Harry’s stance on things has changed; or maybe he’s just finding it hard to resist their feelings for each other. Maybe Louis is just overthinking everything .

That night, Daniel had to stay at the office late but his mom was actually home. Since it was a Friday, Daisy, Phoebe, and Fiz had gone to his gran’s house for the weekend and Lottie has a sleepover for the weekend. Louis always feels kind of bad that he doesn’t visit his gran as much as his younger siblings do. It’s not that he doesn’t love her or want to spend time with her, it’s just that he’s got a lot more going on than they do. He does need to get out there and visit her sometime soon but right now, he’s kind of relieved to be in the house with just him and his mother. The last time that he got to spend time with just Jay was probably last semester when she confronted him about seeing Mr. Alexander for the problems that he had.

He’s sitting on the couch, soaking up the ability to watch whatever he wants without annoying little girls screaming about watching My Little Pony or Disney Channel (though he will never admit it, he was a huge fan of That’s So Raven). But as he’s sitting there, watching Need for Speed, he’s reminded of that conversation with his mom. She’d said she would always love him no matter what. And Mr. Alexander had told her that there was something that Louis needed to tell her when he was ready. Obviously he was talking about Louis being gay but she didn’t know that, she still doesn’t know about it. Is he ready? He doesn’t know. He…he might be.

“Mom?” Louis’ voice shakes. He’s not even sure that he said it out loud until she emerges from the kitchen with a quizzical look on her face.

“Yes love?” She looks tired and for some reason, that makes Louis even more nervous. She does so much for him and he can’t imagine what his life would look like without her in it.

“I um.” Louis’ eyes start tearing and his heart starts beating so fast. His throat feels like it’s closing and he realizes suddenly that he is so not ready. He’s not ready for this at all. But of course, Jay immediately notices the change in Louis.

“Lou,” she rushes to his side, throwing her arm around her shoulders. “What’s the matter?”

“Ummm,” Louis draws the word out as a tear falls from his eye and slides down his cheek, slow and torturous. He can’t think of anything to say and it sends him into a near panic attack.

“Talk to me.” She asks, sounding as though she is also getting emotional. “Hey, why the tears my love?”

“I just,” His voice quivers and he gives up. He can’t do it. He’s not ready and he just. He can’t. “I just love you a lot and I just want you to know that I appreciate you and sometimes I just miss you. That’s – that’s all.”

“Oh come here you.” Her own tears fall as she pulls Louis close. “I love you so much. You will always be my favorite boy. I miss all of you when I’m gone too. I’m going to work on spending more time with you, I promise.”

Louis relaxes in his mother’s arms as the moment of fear passes. There will always be a comfort in being in his mother’s arms. He hopes that when he does eventually get to the point of being able to tell her, he’ll still be able to know the feeling of home in his mother’s arms.

He thinks about how much he has grown. There was a time where he would have been afraid to show emotion and cry in his mother’s arms, or at the very least be mindful of his actions. He used to be afraid to be perceived as feminine. Back then, he would have been worried about what other people would have thought and how this could possibly be seen as something a gay person would do. But here he is, feeling nothing but content.

When he finally removes himself from his mother’s arms, he says, “I’m going to make you dinner.”

“You don’t have to, I can make it.” She shrugs it off.

“Please let me make you dinner. You do so much for me, for all of us. It’s time that someone gave back.” Louis demanded, refusing to take no for an answer.

An hour later, the smoke alarm is going off and Louis is franticly running around turning off the oven and screaming for Jay because he’s pretty sure the chicken is on fire in the oven and he doesn’t know how to turn off the smoke alarm and, long story short, they order pizza for dinner.

“So tell me about your friends. How is Liam doing? Poor lad was a right mess.” She shakes her head sadly.

“Oh.” Her bringing up Liam reminded Louis that he needs to text him soon to ask how the conversation with Shayla went. “He’s doing the best he can. I know he’s hurting about it but I think he’s getting a little better day by day.”

“Hm,” she sighs, shaking her head softly. “Can I ask you something Loubear?”

“Yeah?” Louis phrases it as a question. He shoves a piece of pizza in his mouth just to stall because he has no idea what she’s about to ask. His stomach twists thinking that it could be something about him being gay.

“Are…Zayn and Niall a couple?”

“Oh,” Louis lets out a chuckle. “Yeah, they’ve been dating for a while now. You’re behind mom.”

“I’m glad that they’ve found happiness. I hope they know that I will always love them. Niall is like my own son and Zayn is too. I remember back when Niall’s first wisp of brown hair showed up on the top of his head and Maura and I laughed for days because we had honestly thought he’d never grow hair.”

“I’m so going to give him crap about that the next time that I see him!” Louis laughs brightly.

“Well anyway, my point is that who he loves doesn’t change my love for him – not even in the slightest.”

“I know.” Louis says it simply like that simple sentence didn’t go straight to his heart. He almost wishes that he could get the courage back up to say it to her but he just knows that he can’t. Not tonight.

The two end the night by watching _She’s the Man_ and laughing. It was the most refreshing Friday that he’s probably ever had. He’s got homework upon homework to do and he should probably spend a little time this weekend working on his song for the talent show but all of that other noise can wait.

Daniel finally gets home when the movie is nearly halfway over and Louis informs him to pay no attention to the warzone that is the kitchen. He just laughs and reheats some pizza before joining them on the couch.

It is the perfect night.

-

As the performance for the talent show grows closer each day, Louis gets more and more nervous about his song choice.

“It’s just so soul exposing.” Louis laments. He’s currently sitting on the edge of Eleanor’s bed as she curls her hair in front of her vanity.

“That’s the point, Louis.” Eleanor says as she douses her hair with hairspray. “Do you think that Levi is going to notice if my curls are different intensities?”

“No he won’t care.” Louis shakes his head. He’s looking over the notes that the talent show mentors gave him to improve his performance. “I don’t even know what that means honestly.”

“Like this curl right here,” She picks up a ringlet that has fallen in front of her eye. “This curl is a ringlet. The ones near the back are a lot more relaxed.”

“I think he won’t even notice…But literally like what if I start crying on stage?”

“You may have a few tears but I doubt that you’ll lose it on the stage. You’re too much of a performer to lose your composure like that. You’ve just got to remember that this is what you have wanted to do. You wanted to prove that you could rock an emotional performance and now you have the chance to.”

“You’re right.” Louis sighs in relief. “This is why I wanted to hang out with you. I’m glad we became friends again. I don’t know who I’d talk to about this talent show stuff.”

“Me too. Ugh, I would die of nerves if I didn’t have you here with me right now.”

“You have no reason to be nervous. He’s going to be happy that you got into his school. He’s going to be thrilled! Also, tell me, how’s the play going?”

“Ugh.” She makes a screwed up face. “It’s awful. We open in about a month and all she really does is yell at anyone anymore. It’s actually really frustrating and I can see that Anthony is starting to crack from all of it. I am actually sad that this is what’s happening with my last high school show.”

“Don’t let this spread but I heard that they’re forcing her to resign.”

“What?” Eleanor literally gasps and turns around. “That’s like, so serious! I could see  that though. I’ve said it before that something is up with her. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t see her back next year.”

“Same.” Louis nods.

He spends the rest of his time with her distracting her from how nervous she is. Sometimes that was in the form of running lines with her or letting her read the notes from his mentors or even stupid things like hot celebrities (Zac Efron mostly, let’s be real). By the time that she drops him back off at his house so that she can go meet up with Levi, she’s actually a bit excited to tell him the news.

Life has a funny way of working things out that are supposed to be worked out. If only life could work out his issue.

-

“So,” Louis asks Liam as they’re standing in their spot in the library the following Monday. “How did the conversation with Shayla go?”

Liam’s face goes beat red  and his head hangs low. “Awkward. It was literally worse than telling my parents. She didn’t even remember me at first and then when she realized, she wouldn’t stop apologizing and saying that she had no idea. It was unbearable and I barely lived through it.”

“Hey, but you did. I’m proud of you for being able to get through that. I’m not sure many people would have had the guts to do that.” Louis pats Liam on the shoulder reassuringly.

“It was the right thing to do.” Liam shrugs, putting the subject to bed. “Hey so the talent show is in like two weeks isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Louis swallows down another wave on nerves. He’s never been this nervous for a performance ever. “It’s coming up fast.”

“Didn’t you _just_ have auditions last month?” He asks incredulously.

“Yeah. It’s been a pretty quick process huh?” Louis chuckles lightly.

“How did you get prepared in less than a month?”

“Well technically by the time performance comes it will have been a month. But I mean, a talent show is completely different than a musical or a play. It’s more of an individual event so like, I’ve practiced my song for a month and that’s all that I’ve done. It’s not the same really. And I mean, it’s a high school talent show. It’s not really going to be that great anyway, why draw it out longer than necessary?”

“Oh come on, you’re going to be great and we all know it.”

“I sure hope so.”

-

As Louis is handing in his history homework, Mr. Latimer says, “Tomlinson, see me after class.”

Some people around him snickered but what really surprised Louis is that Chris didn’t have any sort of reaction. He just sat there, motionless. Even though they were pretty much sworn enemies, Louis almost felt bad for him. It is abundantly clear that he’s going through a hard time or something is on his mind. He almost, almost asks Chris what is wrong but then he remembers that any time that he has ever shown even an ounce of kindness to Chris, it has backfired. So he remains quiet and instead stresses about whatever Mr. Latimer wants to see him for after class.

It’s weird but the better his grades get, the more inspired he is to be a proper student during class. He pays attention, taking tentative notes. Class actually goes by a lot faster when you’re actually paying attention. Well, and when you’re dreading the end of the class period because of a meeting with the teacher. But it does eventually come to an end and Louis finds himself slowly creeping up to Mr. Latimer’s desk, tension mounting with each step.

“You wanted to see me sir?” Louis asks. It sounds oddly too formal but Mr. Latimer is the kind who seems as though he so he needs to be called sir.

“Yes, I wanted to speak with you about the grade you earned on the latest test.” He starts flipping through one of the files on his desk and pulls out Louis’ test. “I haven’t handed them back to the class yet but I wanted to talk to you about your mark. Why don’t you take a look for yourself?”

Louis is afraid. He feels the fear sinking into his bones, making his movement to take the test from Mr. Latimer’s hands very lethargic. He’s slow about turning the paper over. And then he sees the 99% in red pen at the top of the test. When Louis looks back up, Mr. Latimer is smiling from ear to ear.

“I want you to know that I am very, very proud of you. I can tell that you studied hard for this test. You only missed one question and it was the most missed question on the test.”

“Thank you!” Louis is positively beaming. “Thank you! I did study for quite a while.”

“No need to thank me, I wasn’t the one who did the hard work, you did. I just wanted to personally let you know that after I put this in the grade book, you will most certainly be into B territory. Congratulations. Now, don’t be late for your next course on my account.”

Louis hands back his test and practically skips to his next class. He’s overwhelmed with happiness. Even by the time that he gets to rehearsal  after school, he has a hard time being emotional because he’s just so happy and so proud of himself.

“You look like you’re in a good mood.” Daniel comments

“I am!” Louis’ reply  is short. He wants his mother to be the first to learn of his good mark on his test.

Louis spends most of the night before dinner playing with Daisy and Phoebe. When his mother finally gets home from work, she’s got her arms full of Nandos. She looks utterly exhausted so when Lottie and Fiz start screaming at each other over the food, he takes it upon himself to set them straight.

“Hey!” Louis yells at them, startling everyone in the house. “How about the two of you be grateful for what you’ve got instead of screaming about it! Mom’s been working hard all day long so … just appreciate her bringing dinner home. Geez.”

“Okay Mr. Perfect.” Fizzie rolls her eyes and sits down roughly. “Since when do you even give a crap about this family? All you do is add more drama. That’s all you’ve ever done!”

“Yeah,” Lottie adds.

“That is enough!” Jay intervenes.

“You think that I don’t care about this family?” Emotion starts bubbling to the surface, tears welling in his eyes. “Did you know that sometimes I just sit back and think about how lucky I am to have all of you? My – my best friend’s family is _falling apart_ right now and all that’s been going through my mind is that I am so glad that when that happened to us – ”

“Lou,” Jay comes over and squeezes Louis’ shoulders. “It’s alright, love, let’s just have some dinner.”

“No.” Louis pulls away from his mother’s grasp. “I held you and Lottie through _every single_ fight that mom and Mark had. I held you through every single tear, but no, you’re right, I don’t care about this family. And since I’m only about drama, might as well make myself useful and dramatically exit this family dinner that I don’t care about.”

Jay immediately starts laying into Fizzie as Louis walks away. He’s absolutely furious. Just as Louis reaches the stairs, he turns around.

“Oh and by the way, mom, I was going to tell you that I got a 99% on a test in my hardest class today. I was pretty proud of it. I wanted you to know.”

He sprints up the stairs before she can even reply. And when he gets upstairs, he starts practicing his song. He’s already emotional so he lets it all out in his song. He wishes with everything that he and Harry could work out. The song just somehow brings everything out of him that he doesn’t know how to otherwise talk about. When he’s completely exhausted himself emotionally, he crawls into bed, ignoring his growling stomach, and lets himself drift off to sleep.

“Lou,” he’s shaken awake.

Louis blearily opens his eyes to see Fiz with a plate of food. He’s momentarily confused, having completely forgotten about the fight.

“Lou,” She shakes him again. “I’m sorry.”

“And what are you sorry for?” Jay’s voice startles Louis. He hadn’t even realized that she was in the room.

He sits up and rubs his eyes, accepting the plate of warmed up Nandos.

“I’m sorry for the things I said. It was mean and wrong. And I love you.”

“It’s okay Fiz.”

“Now give him a hug.” Jay orders.

The two of them hug and then she’s running off to her own room. He doesn’t even wait, he just starts digging into the food that he was brought. Out of the corner of his eye he can see his mother walking closer to him; she sits on the corner of the bed seemingly content to let Louis eat for a little while.

“You okay?” She finally asks.

“Yeah.” Louis sighs, setting his empty plate on his night stand. “I’m sorry I overreacted at dinner. I know what she said had some grain of truth to it.”

“Honey, no one in this family thinks that the only thing you’re good for is drama or that you don’t care. Your sister was irritated from her fight with Lottie.”

“I know.” Louis sighs. “It’s just weird because we don’t fight like that. Not seriously.”

“It was weird for all of us.” Jay nods. “I think your sister is just going through a rough time right now.”

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah, she is. I think she’s just struggling with a certain part of herself. It is not my place, however, to be discussing it with you. All I’m saying is that don’t be too hard on her right now.”

“I’m not.” Louis means it too. Yeah, they may have fought and her words may have cut really deeply but at the end of the day, she is his sister and he loves her to death.

-

When Liam gets to school the next day, he rushes over to their table excitedly. Louis’ thinking that Liam looks way too chipper for this time in the morning but as soon as Liam starts talking he understands why.

“My mom called last night!”

The four of them are practically tripping over each other to get Liam to explain more.

“She mostly talked to me but she did talk to dad a little and they didn’t fight. I’m not saying they’re getting back together or anything but there’s definitely progress.”

“That’s great, Li.” Zayn smiles, putting into words what they’re all thinking.

“And I also have other news!” Liam pipes up again. “I have a date on Saturday.”

“What? With who?” Louis asks loudly, being heard over the others asking the same thing.

“Her name is Shayla.” Liam avoids Louis’ wide-eyed gaze.

“Shayla? How many Shaylas are there in this school? Because,” He forces in an awkward chuckle. “Surely you don’t mean the Shayla that was in the musical with me last semester, do you _Liam_?”

“That’d be the one.” Liam is still not looking at Louis.

“Well I’m happy for you.” Harry chimes in, patting Liam on the shoulder. “Where are you taking her?”

“Oh you know, we’re just doing the classic dinner and a movie bit. We’ll probably just have our moms drop us off at the mall so that we don’t have to get a ride to get food since everything is right there.”

“Zayn and I have our parents do that all that time.” Niall nods. “It works pretty nicely.”

As soon as the bell rings, Louis rushes to Liam and pulls him into the closest bathroom. For a moment, Louis smiles remembering this as the same bathroom that Harry drug him to when he was crying about not getting into the play. But then he’s back to Liam.

“What the heck dude?” Louis asks. “How did you go from the horribly awkward conversation to dating?”

“Okay going on one date and ‘dating’ are two totally different things. And so maybe we’ve been texting a little bit, what does it matter?”

“But how did that even happen?  A few days ago you were red as a tomato any time that anyone even said her name and you’d literally run if you saw her.”

“When I told her, I gave her my number in case she needed to talk to someone who understood. And let’s just say that her parents weren’t as cool about it as mine had been. She needed someone and I was there. We have chemistry. So sue me if I like her.” Liam goes on the defensive just slightly which makes Louis back down.

“It’s totally cool if you like her, I was just confused is all…but like, aren’t you afraid you’ll get it from her again?” Louis has to ask.

“I mean, we aren’t going to be having sex any time soon. At least not until she’s seen the doctor again, seven days after treatment.”

Louis shakes his head and chuckles. “Alright, c’mon, we don’t want to be late for class.”

On his way to his first class, Louis sees flyers everywhere about the talent show. This is really happening. He’s got this week and that’s it. The one and only performance of the talent show is on Monday. Friday they have a double run through of the show so he’s going to be in rehearsal until way late even though his section of the show will only take up eight minutes of the double run through.

-

As the week before show week usually does, the week goes by so quickly that Louis isn’t even sure he had time to blink. It seems as though suddenly its Friday after school and he’s only got ten minutes before the double run through starts.

“So,” Louis says to his group of friends, all of whom haven’t stopped grilling him about his upcoming performance. “How are we doing this again?”

“Okay,” Niall says, ready to explain it all again. “My mom is dropping me off at your house like now. Harry’s getting dropped off at your house when his mom goes into work tomorrow morning; Liam is coming over after his date on Saturday; and Zayn is coming over Sunday night after he gets back from his college trip. And then on Monday morning, we’re all stuffing into your mom’s van to go to school ready to hear you sing that night.”

“Oh my gosh.” Louis rolls his eyes but his smile is huge.

“Lou, you better go if you want to make it to rehearsal on time!” Harry squeezes Louis’ wrist and Louis wishes he could reach out and grab Harry’s hand. He wants to remember the feeling of Harry’s fingers between his while he’s singing about him on stage in three days.

Rehearsal is slooooooow especially because he is the closing act so he has to sit around being completely silent backstage for an hour and a half before he even gets to  sing. It’s kind of frustrating but it’s also kind of cool because he get to hear and focus on all the other acts. Some of them are alright but some of them truly do showcase the talent that some of these kids have – especially those with talents that are not the “average” talents such as the comedy acts. There were several times that Louis was struggling to keep his composure during the comedic acts.

Finally, finally he hears “Louis Tomlinson, our closing act singing Secret Love Song Part Two.” For the second and final time of the night. And as he walks onto the stage, he soaks up the spotlight and pours his heart out.

His mom is waiting for him when he finally gets done at eight at night. His stomach is growling so loudly because he didn’t think about making arrangements to eat. Thankfully, his mother gets them home quickly and already has a plate of food waiting for him at the table. As he’s scarfing down his food, he can hear Niall in the living room having a heated discussion over whether Phoebe’s doll should be wearing pink or silver shoes and Louis can’t help but smile to himself. It’s been far too long since Niall has come over.

As soon as Louis’ done with his dinner, he and Niall go upstairs to his room.  Mostly they mess around on Louis’ laptop until it gets dark enough that the girls come in to say goodnight Niall (not to Louis which Niall is extremely thrilled about). And when Louis decides to go change into his pajamas, Niall runs downstairs to call Zayn. Obviously Louis is finished changing before Niall is finished with his call which leaves Louis to sit around by himself, scrolling on his phone. When he sees a post on Facebook that Zayn made about how much he loves and appreciates Niall, Louis gets a familiar feeling of longing. He wants what they have and he wants it badly. He wants to be able to say that he loves Harry on every single social media platform and in real life and in front of real people.

The very second that Niall walks back through his bedroom door, words are flying out of Louis’ mouth.

“What’s it like?” Louis asks. When Niall looks confused he clarifies. “What’s it like being in a relationship?”

 “God,” Niall smiles looking at his hands. “It’s my favorite thing. Like, it gives you this sense of selflessness I guess. And like, he makes me so happy. There’s just no way to properly describe it. But he’s also the most irritating. Like, it’s not perfect. He won’t be perfect. Both of you will makes mistakes but when you find someone you love, all of the hard parts become worth it.”

“I want that so bad.” Louis can’t even contain it anymore.

“With Harry?” Niall’s voice is soft, almost as though he’s vocally walking on eggshells.

“Am I pathetic for still wanting him?”

“No.” Niall’s reply is immediate. “Honestly Harry has talked to me a little bit about what went down between you two and I feel like I’d be the same way if I were you.”

“Harry talked to you about us?” Louis asks incredulously.

“Well I mean, I went to him and I asked him what was going on with you guys. You really think that I wouldn’t notice when my best friend is going through some shit?” Niall lets out a half-hearted chuckle. “We talked and just so you know, I’ve defended you to him on several occasions.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, I told him that it is completely unfair to you to assume that you don’t want to be out for the same reason as Nick. He understands that but he’s still got his guard up just a bit because getting cheated on really does fuck you up.”

“I know. It’s just hard because like, he could reject me a thousand times and I would still want him. I don’t know how to not want him.”

“Well maybe someday soon, the time will be right for you two. We all hope that for you.”

“All of you? As in you, Zayn, and Liam all know about this?”

“I mean, we are your closest friends and have been for a while now. So, yeah we may have all talked about it.”

“Why didn’t you just come talk to me about it?” Louis asks the one thing that truly bothers him about all of this.

“Because when something really hurts you, you don’t talk about it.” Niall sighs, trying again to be delicate. “It took me a really long time to even get some details about what happened between Jay and Mark and even then, I’m convinced that I don’t have the entire story.”

“It’s hard to talk about.” Louis looks down at his hands twisting in his lap.

“I know, Lou. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about it; I’m just saying that I know you and I know that asking you about it would have made you uncomfy and I’m not about making my friends uncomfortable.”

“Okay.” Louis sighs decidedly. He’s just come to the conclusion that he wants to be better about that. “Ask me about it.”

“I don’t want you to feel forced.” Niall seems hesitant.

“I want to be better at talking about these kinds of things.” Louis explains and then pleads. “Please, come on Niall. Ask me something that you’ve wanted to talk about.”

“Are you completely sure?”

“Niall.” Louis rolls his eyes. “I’m not that fragile.”

“Okay.” Niall adjusts his position to where he is completely facing Louis. “Well, I just have been kinda wondering about your relationship with Daniel.”

“What about it?”

“Like, when he first came around, you fucking hated him. Like, really hated him. Any time that he did anything at all with the girls or tried to be nice to you, you would be straight up mean to him. And anyway, you haven’t been like that recently. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard you referring to Daniel as a part of your ‘parents’.”

“Have I really?” Louis searches through his memories, trying to find when he had done that. And…he had. “I didn’t even realize it.”

“So how do you feel about him really?”

“I,” Louis sighs, trying to find the words. “I don’t really know. I guess, I kind of see him as a part of my family now. He’s really good to the girls and he has tried to be there for all of us. I guess it’s just natural that I got used to it and kinda started to accept it?”

“That makes perfect sense.” Niall nods as he’s talking. “It seems like…like maybe having a stable father figure has helped you get over your issues with Mark.”

“I think so.” Louis settles the conversation with something resembling a smile on his face. “Hey, since we’re talking about things that I normally don’t talk about, I have a question for you.”

“Oh lord.” Niall laughs quietly. “Is this going to be like the conversation that Zayn and I had with you about what the word cock means?”

“…Possibly.” Louis smirks the tiniest bit.

“Alright, lay it on me then.”

“How…how do you and Zayn have sex?” Louis gets the question out and then sees Niall’s face.

“Are you serious? Like you want to know who tops?” Niall seems flabbergasted.

“Honestly,” Louis’ face goes red. “I don’t even know what that means which is why I’m asking. But like, I don’t want details from your guys’ sex lives.”

“So you’re asking how guys in general have sex with each other?” Niall clarifies, causing Louis to be even more embarrassed.

“Yeah. That’s what I meant. I didn’t word that correctly I guess.”

“No you didn’t.” Niall laughs and then goes serious. “Are you sure you’re comfortable with this conversation?”

“Niall, I swear if you ask me if I’m sure about something one more time…”

“Okay, I get it.” Niall shifts on the bed and then he says, “okay well I guess I’ll tell you about all the things that lead up to it to?”

“Okay, quit stalling and just get on with it.”

“So in a lot of ways gay sex isn’t different than straight sex. Like, there are still blowjobs, handjobs, eating out, fingering, and penetration but they just mean different things sometimes. I’m assuming you don’t know what any of those words mean?”

“One time freshman year Chris made that comment about Harry fingering me under the table. But I tried that and it didn’t work…I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

“Okay but did you use lots of lube?” Niall asks, not even phased by the embarrassing reveal that Louis let out.

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“Chiiiiild.” Niall shakes his head. “You’ve got to use lube for the butt stuff. Okay let me just lay everything out for you: blowjob means you literally suck their dick or they suck yours. Handjobs means they just jerk you off. Eating out means that you use your tongue on their ass or vice versa – that one is my personal favorite so don’t give me that face. And then there’s penetration which is where the top and bottom thing comes in. The top is the one who does the fucking and the bottom is the who gets fucked. So basically dick goes in bum. But seriously, don’t ever put anything in your bum without lube because you could seriously hurt yourself like that.”

“Oh my.” Louis is overwhelmed with information and he might be the littlest bit turned on from thinking of doing all these things. “So… you put your dick in Zayn’s bum and that’s how you have sex?”

“Well, we are pretty generous to each other. We like it both ways.” Niall is so open about all of this and Louis is once again thankful to have such a great friend to talk about these things with. “Actually,”

Niall gets up and goes over to his duffel bag and started searching through the pockets.  Louis sits on his bed, having no idea what the fuck Niall is about to do. When he comes back to the bed with a bottle of clear stuff, Louis is even more confused.

“Here, you can have this.” Niall holds it out to Louis.

“KY Liquid Personal Lubricant.” Louis reads out loud. “Is this lube?”

“Yeah. I just bought this. Zayn and I haven’t even used any of it yet.” Niall shrugs lightly. “You can have it if you want.”

“Are you seriously letting me have this for masturbating purposes?” Louis’ face is so red at this point that he’s afraid he might go purple.

“Well when you word it like that it just sounds weird.” Niall shakes his head. “I just figured it might help. If you don’t want it, I understand. I can take it back – ”

“No, no.” Louis says it almost too quickly. “It’s fine. I do have one more question though. Why was this in your duffle bag?”

“This is the bag that I usually take when I stay the night at Zayn’s so I had it in there for that.”

“This conversation is so weird.” Louis laughs.

“True. But hey, I’m glad that you’ve become much more comfortable about the topic of sex.”

“Me too.” Louis agrees.

When he goes to bed that night, he dreams of what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with Harry. And if he wakes up and has to take a cold shower, well, no one has to know.

-

Harry arrives entirely too early the next day. Louis groans grumpily when Harry and Niall try to wake him up. He probably says a few choice words as well. Eventually, when Harry promises to make pancakes, Louis drags himself out of bed. What Harry did not mention, however, is that he was going to also put Louis to work. So that’s how he ends up grumpily whisking the eggs while Harry makes pancakes for the whole house.

Jay comes stumbling into the kitchen after the smell of food has most likely filled the whole house. She’s wearing her mismatched pajamas with her zebra robe and oversized fuzzy socks. Louis smiles when her whole face lights up, noticing that Harry is doing the honor of making breakfast.

“You are my favorite!” She exclaims. “At least one of my sons knows how to make me food.”

“Hey, don’t look at me! I tried!”

“I know, love, I’m only joking. I was actually referring to Niall.” She looks at Niall jokingly.

“I mean, you’re not wrong.” Niall says around a mouthful of pancake.

“No, you know I love all my boys.” She goes over to give Niall a hug. “Speaking of my boys, where are the other two?”

“They’ll be here soon. Zayn’s got stuff to do all weekend and Liam’s got a date tonight so he’ll be over after.” Louis tells her as he hands her a cup of coffee.

“Thanks love. Okay, I’m going to go wake the monster from the land of the dead. Wish me luck.”

After breakfast, Niall and Louis go out in the back to play a bit of football while Harry sits outside scrolling through his Tumblr. They try to convince Harry to play with them but Harry isn’t having it. Louis finds that oddly endearing.

When all of girls come outside, they all decide to play outside hide and seek. Louis hides literally in the bushes and never gets found first for the entire game. Poor Niall gets found first nearly every other round. The day goes by pretty quickly. Louis loves days like today where he’s getting along with his sisters and his best friends and everyone is just laughing and having a good time.

By the time the sun is setting, Liam has joined them outside and the four of them are laying in the backyard on some blankets, just watching the sun disappear.

“When Zayn and I get married,” Niall says out of the blue. “All three of you are going to be our best men.”

“You guys are going to be my best men too.” Liam smiles.

“You’ll be mine too.” Harry says and that just puts Louis’ stomach through hell.

Thinking about Harry getting married to someone else and having to stand up there next to him, watching him say ‘I Do’ to someone other than him, it just hurts. So Louis doesn’t add anything to the +conversation. Instead, he changes the subject.

“It’s weird to think that one day we will graduate high school and…not see each other every day.”

“You guys are my friends forever though.” Niall says firmly. “It doesn’t matter where life takes us.”

“I agree.” Liam pipes up. “Even if I get into Oxford and Louis gets into Julliard, we will still be best friends.”

“Technology is great like that.” Harry sits up. “I’m going to be texting you bitches every day.”

“It is crazy though. To think that we’re almost half way done with high school.” Liam shakes his head in disbelief.

“I know.” Louis says, thinking about the fact that he only has two more years of this life, this life that he’s come to know and love, before everything changes.

-

Finally, when Zayn gets there, they all are back together. Jay takes the five of them out to dinner as a precelebration for Louis since the talent show just had to be on a Monday night instead of a weekend. The girls stay at home with Daniel since Louis is going to be going out with his family on Monday night anyway. So it’s just his four best friends and his mother and maybe to some people, that would be considered lame but Louis is having the best time.

“I’ve got to say,” Louis says suddenly. “This has been the best weekend ever and I love all of you so much.”

Everyone is a chorus of ‘we love you too’ and Louis just loves it. There was a point in his life last year where it seemed that everything was falling apart and now it just seems that everything is falling together. Except one thing.

-

He’s nervous. Like, really, really nervous. He’s pacing around backstage listening to each act and they go by, drawing closer and closer to his set. He’s wearing a dark blue tux and his sleek, black dress shoes and his hair is all done up (thanks to his mother). It seems unbearably hot backstage so he’s kind of glad to have the suit jacket to cover up any sweat stain that may show.

At the end of every single act, the audience is incredibly supportive and Louis is grateful for that. Every one of them deserves that for the hard work that they’ve put into their acts. An audience always somehow calms him instead of making him more nervous, it’s just the anxious moments before the performance that kill him with nerves.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” The announcer speaks, ready to call Louis onto the stage. He’s so nervous. He’s so scared. He’s so ready. “The final act of the night, please give a warm welcome to Louis Tomlinson, singing Secret Love Song Part Two!”

Louis walks onto the stage and he can hear Niall cheering for him above everyone else which allows him to know the general direction that his people are sitting. It allows him to know where Harry is sitting. He almost wants to say something into the mic about this song being for someone special but he knows that that is heavily frowned upon. So he waits for the music to start so the lyrics can say all the words to Harry that he’s wanted to since the day that he met him.

_We keep behind closed doors, every time I see you I die a little more_

_Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls_

_It’ll never be enough_

Louis pours everything he has into this song. He lets his soul be exposed in a way that it never has been before. He looks out into the crowd, imagining that he’s making eye contact with Harry so that he knows that this song is for him. It hurts but it’s the truth. What they have now, it’ll never be enough.

_As you drive me to my house, I can’t stop these silent tears from rolling down_

_You and I both have to hide on the outside, where I can’t be yours and you can’t be mine_

_But I know this, we have a love that is homeless._

Louis’ eyes start to water as he thinks of the fact that he has so much love for Harry but no one to give it to. He thinks of the fact that he’s been terrified to let people know that he’s gay. He sinks into knowing that they both have feelings for each other but don’t ever actually acknowledge it. They hide behind it. He wants to be open. He wants Harry and he lets the music tell their story.

_Why can’t I hold you in the street, why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor_

_I wish that it could be like that, why can’t we be like that_

_Cause I’m yours._

_Why can’t I say that I’m in love, I wanna shout it from the rooftops_

_I wish that it could be like that, why can’t it be like that,_

_Cause I’m yours._

Louis gulps back his emotions, knowing that he can’t let his tears go at the beginning of the song. He takes a deep breath and starts the second verse.

  _It’s obvious you’re meant for me, every piece of you it just fits perfectly_

_Every second, every thought I’m in so deep, but I’ll never show it on my face_

_But we know this, we got a love that is homeless._

He leans into “homeless” just as the original artist does, letting his emotion shake his voice, getting ready for the switch in the song. He wants the world to know that he wants Harry to be the one holding him.

_Why can’t you hold me in the street, why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor_

_I wish that it could be like that, why can’t we be like that_

_Cause I’m yours._

_Why can’t I say that I’m in love, I wanna shout it from the rooftops._

_I wish that it could be like  that, why can’t we be like that_

_Cause I’m yours._

_I don’t wanna live love this way, I don’t wanna hide us away_

_I wonder if it ever will change_

_I’m living for that day, some day._

Louis lets his voice go from strong and powerful to just a tad weak. But not in the negative sense. He’s vocally pleading with Harry.

_When you hold me in the street and you kiss me on the dance floor_

_I wish that it could be like, why can’t we be like that_

_Cause I’m yours,_

_I’m yours._

Louis lets this climactic note soar over the audience. He holds it out for just a bit too long but he doesn’t even care. He’s feeling these words in a way that he never has, knowing that Harry is listening to them and hopefully knowing they’re for him.

_Oh why can’t you hold me in the street, why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor_

_I wish that it could be like that, why can’t it be like that_

_Cause I’m yours._

_Why can’t I say that I’m in love, I wanna shout it from the rooftops._

The little run on ‘rooftops’ is a bit off from the original but Louis makes it work, letting his sound go small so that he can build up to the high note coming up. He’s going to let it all loose on just that one note, all the things he’s been feeling since the first day of freshman year.

_I wish that it could be like that, why can’t we be like that_

_Cause I’m youuuurs._

He feels the atmosphere change when he hits that high note, perfectly in the center of the note, a single tear finally escaping from his eyes as the song winds down.

_Why can’t we be like that, wish we could be like that._

The music ends and he ends the last note of the song in a tender whisper. For just a few seconds, there is a terrifying silence but it’s quickly followed by the audience erupting with applause. Just barely, he can see people rising to their feet. A few more tears come to his eyes because _Louis just got a fucking standing ovation_. He’s smiling and tearing up and covering his mouth in disbelief.

And then the announcer comes back on stage, welcoming all the other acts back onto the stage with him. Louis stands in the middle as he’d been instructed to do and the audience goes even more wild for all of them. They all do two collective bows as the announcer bids the audience goodnight and the curtain closes.

The moment that Louis comes out the door, he sees his mom literally pushing through everyone to get to him, tears streaming down her face. He can hear her whispering, “my boy, my boy” as she gets closer. And as soon as he is within her reach, she is positively crushing him in a hug.

“That was the most  beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen.” She starts crying again. “I have no words, my love. No words.”

Finally, everyone else has made it to them, having been polite about getting through the crowd unlike Jay. Well, everyone except Harry. Niall is nearly worse than his mother, hiccupping into Louis’ shoulder when he give him a hug. Zayn’s eyes are wet but he’s clearly trying not to show that he cried. And then there’s Liam who looks like a frowning puppy dog.

Louis sucks in a breath, trying to calm everyone down from the emotion. Several people practically praise him as they walk by and Louis beams. But then he realizes that Harry isn’t there.

“Um,” He almost doesn’t want to ask because he doesn’t want it to be completely obvious that the song was definitely to Harry (although Niall, Zayn, and Liam definitely know). But he can’t help himself. “Where’s Harry?”

“Oh.” Liam is the first one to speak up. “He and Anne just left…he was a bit of a mess.”

“Oh.” Louis bites back the tears that threaten to come up again. He has to change the subject. “No more crying you big babies. Let’s go get some food!”

And just like that, it’s done. The most emotionally vulnerable night of his life is over. He pretends that it doesn’t hurt that Harry left. He pretends through dinner and all the congratulation and celebration with his family. He pretends on social media when he posts about it on Facebook. He pretends up until the moment that he’s finally settled in bed alone. And then he cries.

He wants to text Harry and tell him that he’s sorry. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to sing the song to Harry. Maybe Harry thought it was too much. Oh god, why did he do this? Why? He texts Eleanor to tell her that Harry left early and she simply says that his performance was great and if Harry can’t see that then he’s a dick. Which, is nice. But at the same time it doesn’t really help. So he decides that he’s just going to spend his night crying and waiting for Harry to text him – which never happens.

When he gets to school the next morning, practically everyone that he makes eye contact with tells him about how great he did. The only problem is that he never sees his favorite eyes. He doesn’t see Harry all day and by the end of the day, he has texted his both of his parents  to let them know that Eleanor is giving him a ride home. What they don’t know is that she’s actually taking him to Harry’s house because he’s done. He’s done with this back and forth thing that they keep doing. He’s done with their secret love song. He can’t live like this anymore so he’s going to go confront Harry and then…well, and then that is that.

He sees in their driveway that Robin’s car is gone and part of him hopes that Anne isn’t home either because this may get loud. He’s got a lot of feelings that he’s about to unleash on Harry.

However, just his luck, Anne answers the door.

“Louis,” she offers a sympathetic smile. “Harry’s not feeling well today.”

“Please,” Louis throws all shame aside and honestly begs her. “I need to talk to him right now.”

“Well…” She glances behind her and then says, “okay. He’s in his room.”

He makes his way to Harry’s room quickly. He almost feels bad for storming in the way he does but he can’t contain any of this any long. The second the door is open, Louis is firing at Harry.

“Where were you?!” He tries not to yell but he honestly can’t even tell if he’s successful or not. Harry looks at him with sad eyes, clearly startled about the intrusion. “Where the fuck where you? I – that song was for you. Every word of it was for you.”

Harry opens his mouth to say something but Louis isn’t done. Even though there are tears spilling over, he fights through them and continues on.

“I got on stage and told everyone that I’m yours, Harry. I fucking asked you for tutoring because I was afraid that we’d drift apart and it hurt to think about you with anyone else. I poured my fucking soul out on that stage and – and you weren’t even there when I was done. _I needed you there_. But you know what? I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in this constant limbo of friends or more than friends because it hurts too much – ”

“Lou – ” Harry tries to cut in, tears of his own falling.

“No.” Louis cuts him off. “I’m not done. I tried to be okay with being just friends, I really did try but. I fucking love you, Harry Styles. And I don’t know how to not love you so. Um. We’re done because I can’t deal with this anymore. Whatever we even are, I can’t do it.”

And then he runs. He runs out of Harry’s room, ignoring the fact that Harry is running after him. He jumps into Eleanor’s front seat and watches Harry disappear from view in her side mirror. He turns off his phone and lets himself cry.

He leaves his phone off for two days and convinces his mother that he’s sick enough to not go to school. On the morning of the third day, his mom comes into his room with a sealed envelope.

“Love, Harry just brought this by. I think you need to read it. He seemed pretty upset.” She sets it on his bed and then leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.

He wants to rip the letter up without even reading but of course, curiosity gets the best of him and he opens it. Harry’s handwriting is prettier than normal which tells Louis that he carefully wrote out every single word.

_Lou,_

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve been incredibly selfish about us. The night that you performed Secret Love Song, I broke into a million pieces. I knew it was for me and I knew that what we were doing was never going to be enough for either of us. My mom literally led me out of the building because I was crying so hard that it was causing a scene. I promise that I didn’t want to leave you hanging like that. I’m so scared Louis. That is the real truth. Because what I feel when I’m with you pales in comparison to anything I’ve ever, ever felt. It’s big, that’s the best way I can describe it. But when you sang that song, I knew I just had to be with you. I’ve been trying to wait patiently for you to be ready to be out all this semester but when you said that you were afraid of losing me, I realized that I could lose you in the wait too. I realized that I wanted you to be mine and I wanted to be yours, even if that means we are behind closed doors. I didn’t text you or talk to you out of fear. I don’t even know if that makes sense, or if any of this makes sense. This letter is all over the place I know. The point is, I know that I’ve been selfish in saying that I couldn’t be with someone in the closet and then continuously flirting with you and, as you said, letting us be in limbo. It’s not fair to you. So, I want to make it right. I’m asking you for another chance. After school tomorrow around 4:00, go to the place where we first met. If you don’t show up, I promise to never bother you again._

_Love,_

_Harry._

Immediately Louis knows that he’s going to show up. He’s going to give Harry another chance because he loves him. He still doesn’t turn his phone on though. He leaves it off because he wants to know what Harry is going to say tomorrow that will fix it.

-

The next day before school, Liam, Zayn, and Niall are all oddly quiet. He was expecting them to grill him about why he’s gone off the grid but they don’t. In fact, they almost look happy which makes Louis suspicious.

“So um,” Louis begins. “Liam, have you talked to Shayla about a second date?”

“Yeah. We actually have another one tonight.” Liam smiles brightly. “I actually kind of like her.”

Louis smiles happily. “I’m glad Liam.”

The school day goes by horribly slow. All Louis can think about is what is going to happen at 4:00. What exactly is Harry going to do to fix everything? Part of Louis thinks that maybe he’s going to tell Louis that he loves him or something like that. But he won’t know until it’s time.

Even a few days after the performance, he is still getting random kids and even some teachers in the hallways and in class telling him that he did great in the talent show. He’s honestly so thrilled that people were so moved by it. And he’s surprised that no one as explicitly asked if the song was about Harry or who the song was about in general.

As soon as Louis walks out of his last class, Liam is there, holding a single rose. He smiles so big that the birthmark on his neck moves just the slightest bit. He holds the rose out to Louis and says, “Come with me to the library.”

Louis accepts the rose with a confused smile. When he tries to ask any sort of question, Liam shoots it down or downright ignores him. And when they get to the library, Liam brings up Shayla and talks about the play and Louis’ family and he even talks about his mom but he avoids talking about anything that Louis really wants to know. So, Louis is extremely suspicious. He’s about a thousand percent sure that this has to do with Harry.

At four on the dot, Louis excuses himself because he’s got places to be. This time, Liam doesn’t stop him and that’s when Louis knows for a fact that this has something to do with Harry. As soon as Louis leaves the library, Zayn is at the end of the hallway with a single rose. He takes the rose and smiles widely because this is the cutest thing that’s ever happened to him. Zayn leads him down to the beginning of the freshman hallway. His smile deepens because he knows where this is going. When he sees Niall in front of the door to his freshman English class, Louis can’t help but laugh. He accepts Niall’s rose and then he walks through the door. Harry’s sitting in the exact spot that he sat in when they had this class together freshman year. He can’t help but smile when he sees that Harry’s entire face has lit up knowing that this is proof that Louis is giving him a second chance.

“Did you like the roses?” Harry asks bashfully.

“Yes.” Louis feels like he may cry so he cracks a joke. “Remember last semester when you brought me tiger lilies to the opening of The Suessical? You’d said that roses were cliché. Now look at you.”

“I know.” Harry chuckles, running his fingers through his curls. “This is pretty much the most cliché thing that I’ll probably ever do in my life. But Louis, you deserve a big bunch of flowers.”

“Do you mean a bouquet, Harry?” Louis asks, completely endeared. “God, you know what’s crazy?”

“What?” Harry seems unsure and Louis doesn’t blame him. But Louis just smiles at the desk that he used to sit at every day.

“I remember sitting in this desk and thinking about you every day. I never would have guessed that we’d be here. That – that a few days ago I’d be yelling at you that I was done. I never would have thought that’d be us.”

“Lou, please just let me say what I have to.” Harry pleads.

“Go ahead.”

“Okay so.” Harry takes a nervous breath. “Like I said in the letter, I’ve been selfish. I’ve just been thinking about my reasoning for all of this and I’m just sorry. And I’ve been thinking. If you’ll accept my apology – ”

“I do.” Louis interrupts. “I accept your apology.”

“Good.” Harry smiles brighter than Louis has ever seen before. “I wanted to tell you that I’ve been really, honestly thinking about it and I’ve realized that I can handle it. If you want to, I can handle being together in secret until you’re ready.”

“Really?” Louis possibly squeals just a little bit. “I don’t want you to compromise yourself for me.”

“I’m not compromising myself. I’ve been going over it in my head and I realized that I trust you and I want this with you right now. So…Louis, will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes!” Louis practically screams because this is it, he can feel it. It’s finally the right time for them. He glances at the door to see if anyone is coming and when the coast is clear, he leans up (because Harry is steadily getting taller than him) and kisses Harry.

When the two emerge from the room, their three best friends are there, waiting to hear the news. As soon as they see both Harry and Louis smiling, the suspense is broken and everyone is happy. He can’t believe that this is real. This is his life. He’s taken, he has a boyfriend.

Maura is the one who comes to pick all of them up and as he gets settled in the backseat, he takes Harry’s hand. It’s so surreal. He catches Harry’s eye and whispers,

“April 21st just became my favorite day of all time.”

“Even more than every day of Louis Month?” Harry teases him and Louis wants to kiss him again. He can’t wait until the two of them get alone time so that he can snog the daylights out of Harry Styles.

-

They spend every day after school at each other’s house, locked away in each other’s room with their lips attached for a solid two weeks. Honestly, snogging Harry has become one of Louis’ favorite things. Niall thinks it’s funny and claims that they’re in the honeymoon stage. All Louis knows is that he hopes he never loses the feeling he gets when he kisses Harry.

Another thing that happens is he has been waking up with hard ons a lot more than usual. All this kissing with Harry is really aping up his hormones. On the morning of May first, Louis wakes up an hour early with a tent in his pajamas. Normally, he would take a cold shower or try to ignore it by going back to sleep. But this time, he wakes up thinking of Harry and he simply can’t stop himself.

Louis shuts his eyes and lets himself sink into what it would feel like to have a sexual relationship with Harry. He imagines what it would feel like to let Harry kiss down his neck and take off his shirt. Louis wraps a hand around himself, letting out a shaking breath at the tingling he feels. For a moment, Louis considers digging out the lube that Niall had given him but first, that requires effort that he’s just not willing to put forth right now, and second, Louis doesn’t think he’s ready for that yet.

Louis’ mind wanders to what Harry looks like naked and what it would be like to be in bed naked with Harry. He blushes at the thought but he likes it at the same time. His mind continues to wander and it doesn’t take long before Louis is making a mess all over himself and whining out Harry’s name.

And then he’s awake and can’t go back to sleep so, shower it is. He takes his time cleaning himself because, well, now he’s got to make sure that he always smells good for Harry. Maybe that’s a dumb thing to do and he doesn’t feel like Harry’s pressuring him to be like this but he just wants to be the best for his _boyfriend_. Okay, so it’s been two weeks and Louis still isn’t over it. _Harry is actually his boyfriend._

When he gets to school, he sees Niall and Zayn holding hands in the hallway. They’ve always been pretty open about public displays of affection but ever since he and Harry got together, seeing them openly love each other is kind of hard for Louis. He wants to have their courage but he just doesn’t. Louis sighs and hopes that Harry can see the same affection in Louis’ eyes.

“Guys!!!!” Liam yells the moment that he spots them and then he’s running toward them. Louis can see that he’s got tears in his eyes and if it weren’t for his smile, Louis would have freaked out.

“What’s going on?” Zayn asks.

“I woke up this morning and my mom was making breakfast. She’s moving back in!” Liam’s voice is clouded with happy emotion. They all tackle him in a hug.

It’s weird because Louis honestly thought he might be jealous that Liam’s parents worked it out and he didn’t get the same happy ending with Jay and Mark, but he doesn’t feel that way at all. He’s got his own version of happy as it is.

“They’re going to marriage counseling,” Liam continues. “They’re really working it out. I can’t believe this, I never thought this would happen.”

“That’ll probably be really good for them. My parents have done marriage counseling in the past.” Harry speaks up. Louis honestly did not know that. “It helped them a lot.”

Louis smiles at them. He’s so happy that they can all discuss the imperfections of their lives without fear of judgment. They seem so different than most other high school students. They don’t try to cause any type of drama, they’re happy in each other’s successes and they’re support in each other’s times of need. That is why Louis smiles and thinks that if anyone has any real chance of staying friends beyond high school, it’s them.

-

“Haz,” Louis says that night. They’re supposed to be doing homework but Louis really can’t keep his lips to himself. He’s currently sat on Harry’ lap with practically bruised lips.

“Yes?” Harry’s eyes are blissfully closed.

“Let’s go on a date.” Louis kisses Harry briefly and then explains. “We should go see the play.”

“Are you sure, love?” Harry’s got one hand resting on Louis’ waist and the other pushes his fringe aside. “I don’t want it to make you upset.”

“I’m over all of that, I promise.” He can’t help but smile at Harry’s concern. “I have to go to support the theater program.”

“If you want to go, I will gladly be your date.” Harry does this little half smile and Louis can’t help but kiss him.

Harry’s kisses are a mix between sweet and sultry. His lips are puffy from the amount of kissing that they’ve already been doing but Louis doesn’t even care. He kisses Harry harder, letting the feeling take over. Louis slips his fingers through Harry’s hair and readjusts his hips to a more comfortable position and then Harry freezes.

“Louis – ” Harry pulls back and then Louis is frowning.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” Louis blushes.

“No, it’s just. Um. Do some talking.” Harry’s voice sounds weird.

“About?” Louis climbs off of Harry’s lap.

“Just, your boundaries and stuff. With us. Like, what you want to do, like sexually, and otherwise.”

“Well.” Louis clears his throat. “I don’t think I want to jump into anything. I’m not…ready for that stuff yet. And I don’t know what you mean by otherwise.”

“I mean like, you want to go on a date out in public, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis’ heart rate picks up. This conversation is making him nervous. “It’s not like other people know it’s a date though.”

“I know.” Harry nods. “I’m just asking to clarify what you actually want. So basically, you just aren’t comfortable with being openly affectionate in public?”

Louis thinks it over. He obviously does want to go on dates with Harry and no one is really going to think anything about seeing the two of them together in public and the only way that anyone would really know is if they were openly kissing or something. So yeah, that sounds right.

“Yeah.” Louis nods. “Are…you okay with that?”

“Yes.” Harry says quickly. “I’m okay with that. Did you think that I was going to change my mind about us?”

“Maybe.” Louis admits, looking down at his hands.

“Babe.” Harry uses the term of endearment and Louis is already turning into putty again. “Look at me. I’m not going to change my mind about you, I promise.”

“Okay.” Louis whispers softly.

They kiss again and this time, it’s delicate and tender.

-

Since finals are getting closer and closer, the five of them decide to have a study party in Harry’s basement. Louis has all of his history assignments saved and is going over them, just as Mr. Latimer suggested in the beginning of the semester. Harry and Niall are studying for their science final and Liam is helping Zayn study for his maths final.

They’ve been studying for approximately two hours before Niall breaks.

“Who decided we needed to study already?” He groans, laying on the floor. “We still have like three weeks before finals.”

“The earlier you start, the more prepared you’ll be.” Liam says, like a proper nerd.

“Someone punch him.” Niall says, wallowing on the floor dramatically. “I don’t have the energy to get up.”

Zayn lightly punches Liam’s arm and then smiles innocently at him.

“Hey!” Liam pouts. “See who is going to help you with your maths final now!”

“Baaabe, look what you’ve made me do!” Zayn frowns in Niall’s direction. “If I fail this class, I’m telling my mom is was your fault.”

Louis watches his friends banter, glad to give his brain a break from all the terrible events of this world’s past. And since he’s not involved in the bickering (for the first time, probably ever) when Anne yells down the stairs that dinner is ready, he’s the first one to make it to the kitchen.

Dinner is good, as it always is when Anne cooks. After they’re done eating, they convince Liam that they all need a bit of outside time to refresh before going back to studying. They get together a makeshift game of football, Niall and Louis against Zayn, Liam, and Harry.

The goals are between two trees for Niall and Louis, and between two garbage cans for the other three. Of course, Harry suggests that it should be shirts versus skins and that’s how Louis ends up shirtless and running around Harry’s backyard.

Currently, it’s four to one, Louis and Niall being in the lead. The others seem only slightly peeved about their impending loss

“We’re doomed.” Liam laments. “My team can’t stop staring at their shirtless boyfriends. If we play again, I’m switching teams.”

Louis laughs knowing that Liam is exactly right. Harry can’t keep his eyes off of Louis. And if Louis spends a little extra time stretching just because he knows that Harry is watching, well, no one calls him out on it.

They play until the sun threatens to disappear on the horizon.

“I miss playing the game.” Louis says to Niall as they’re cleaning up. “I might look into a summer league.”

“Yes, let’s both do it!” Niall exclaims. “That way we keep training and aren’t behind when school starts next year.”

 “Athletes.” Harry shakes his head. He and Zayn laugh.

“I think I’m going to try to get into weights class again.” Liam says out of the blue. “I kinda thought that I had to do weights or mathletes because, well, I thought they were mutually exclusive. But I’ve been thinking about it and fuck the stereotypes. I’m going to do both.”

“Trust me,” Louis says. “The world will keep spinning.”

-

“So,” Lottie asks as she helps Louis fix his tie. “Is Harry your boyfriend?”

“How did you know?”

“I heard you talking to him on the phone before I came in. Sounds like you two are going on a date.” She’s so sassy.

“We are.” Louis takes a look in the mirror now that his tie is officially fixed.  “Don’t tell anyone though.”

“My lips are sealed.”

Daniel drops him off at the school with the promise to pick him and Harry up when the play is over. Louis told him that Niall is also coming but that’s just so that they have a cover when it’s just him and Harry.

Harry meets him at the door, looking stunning. He’s wearing a pink button down shirt and tight dress pants. Louis is in love.

“Nice tie.” Harry smirks.

“It’s proper theater etiquette to dress up when attending a show.” Louis says, adjusting his tie. Thankfully Lottie told him the jacket was way too formal. The truth is that he just wanted to look nice for Harry on their first official date.

“You look very handsome.” Harry squeezes  Louis’ shoulder, pressing his thumb against the muscle there. It’s kind of his thing.

The play is great. Louis caught a few mistakes but that’s only because he read the script and he is experienced enough in theater and specifically doing theater with these kids to know when they have messed up. Eleanor does Emily justice though. She’s so good at what she does. And overall, it didn’t go as badly as Eleanor had made it seem like it was going to be.

 There’s a giant temptation to hold Harry’s hand during the show. The theater is dark and it’s not very likely that people would have seen them because they weren’t paying attention to Harry and Louis, the audience was paying attention to the show. But Louis just couldn’t bring himself to hold Harry’s and in a public place. Not yet. He did squeeze Harry’s knee every few minutes  and that was all that he was comfortable with.

As soon as the show is over, Louis and Harry rush out the doors to congratulate the cast on how well they did. He sees Shayla and he wanders why Liam didn’t come to support her. But that is thrown from his mind when Eleanor comes over to five Louis the biggest hug.

“What did you think of the show?” She asks, throwing a knowing look between Harry and Louis. She hadn’t explicitly told her what had gone on between them since the fight but she could just tell. Louis wonders how obvious it is to people who aren’t as close to him. Or to people like his mother. But he takes comfort in knowing that she is hardly ever home when Louis is there due to her job so she probably has no clue.

“It was really good. I cried.” Louis admits.

“Yeah, great.” Harry says, making it clear that he still isn’t exactly comfortable with her which Louis sort of understands.

“Okay,” Eleanor seems to get that Harry isn’t comfortable with her. “Well, I’ve got to go find my parents! They actually took off work to come see me!”

“Really? I’m so happy for you!” Louis says, meaning every word. Her parents are doctors which means they are almost always gone and for them to finally come to one of her shows, he knows that it means the world to her.

Not long after that, Daniel is out front with the van, ready to pick them up. When he notices that it’s just Harry and Louis, Daniel pipes up.

“I thought you’d said that Niall was also coming?”

“Oh.” Louis turns on his acting skills. “Yeah, he was going to come but his dad surprised him this weekend so he decided to spend time with him.”

“Well, I’m sorry that he didn’t show up but I’m glad he gets to spend some more time with his father. That kind of stuff is pretty important.”

Louis lets the subject drop after that.

As soon as they get home, Harry and Louis lock themselves in Louis’ room. Louis makes Harry turn around while he changes out of his fancy clothes and into some pajamas. And then Harry changes into more comfortable clothes as well and Louis wants to say that he can sleep in just underwear if he wants but he doesn’t want to seem weird so he keeps his mouth shut. Louis sits on the bed next to Harry, wearing a huge smile.

“What’s that for?” Harry asks, tracing his smile with his thumb.

“This was the best first date ever.” Louis admits, smiling even wider when he sees Harry’s happy expression.

“I’m so happy.” Harry whispers as he inches closer to Louis. “Even my dreams didn’t compare to this.”

Louis surges the rest of the way, attaching his lips to Harry’s. His heart feels as though it may explode from happiness. He’s so in love and everything just feels so right. When Harry’s lips press hard against his, Louis lets out a gasp. Without even thinking about it, Louis climbs into Harry’s lap because that’s what feels good. He feels a stirring in his belly and he realizes that he is getting kind of turned on.

When Harry’s tongue pokes at Louis’ bottom lip, Louis pulls back with a confused look. Harry’s never put his tongue in Louis’ mouth before. He’s kind of oddly even more turned on by it which is not something that he ever thought would happen. Louis leans back in and when Harry’s tongue prods at Louis’ lips again, Louis opens his mouth, unsure of what’s actually happening.

Things get even more heated pretty quickly. Harry is kissing at Louis’ jaw and Louis has his fingers tightly threaded through Harry’s hair and it feels like his room is a thousand degrees. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that they probably need to slow this down a little bit. After all, Louis was the one who had said that he didn’t want to jump into anything. But it’s hard to remember boundaries when Harry’s biting his bottom lip. Louis lets out a gasp and then dives back in, letting their kisses get messy.

And then Daniel walks in.

“Oh.” Daniel says, sounding rather startled.

Louis whips around so quickly that he nearly falls from Harry’s lap. He’s scrambling to his feet, barely even hearing the words that are currently coming out of Daniel’s mouth.

“Harry, your mother is here. She said she called but you didn’t pick up…something about an appointment tomorrow morning that she forgot about.”

Harry tries to console Louis but he is panicking and he _needs_ Daniel to listen to him. Harry says goodbye and Louis simply waves.

“Daniel, please, please, please.” Louis’ voice sounds a bit strangled. “Please don’t tell my mom.”

“Why don’t we go somewhere, just the two of us so we can talk, yeah?”

Louis agrees. If Daniel is going to have any sort of reaction to what he just saw, Louis would rather it be out of the house. That still doesn’t stop him from being terrified the entire time that they’re driving. He takes Louis out to a lake that Louis didn’t even know existed on the other side of town.

They’re sitting on the dock, with one light that’s just bright enough for them to see each other’s faces. And Louis is terrified. He’s shaking and he’s been doing all he can to keep it in but he can’t anymore. He starts to cry.

“Please don’t tell my mom. Please. I’m so s-orry.” He collapses in on himself crying into his knees. And then something unexpected happens.

Daniel hugs him. He wraps his arms around Louis and he just starts talking.

“I’m not going to tell Jay, I promise. I brought you out here because this place means a lot to me and I wanted to tell you about it.”

“What?” Louis’ voice sounds foreign with emotion. He lifts his teary eyes to look at Daniel and he sees nothing but sincerity.

“This lake used to be where my sister and I would spend most of our time growing up. When she was 18 she came here to this exact dock and told me that she was gay. And then when she was 25 she told me that she was transgender. So this spot, right here is where I gained a brother. He transitioned without most of our family’s support. In fact, I was essentially the only one who supported him. I saw how hard that was for him.”

“I can’t even imagine…” Louis says, wiping at his tears.

“It was very hard. It’s been years since then and our family has mostly come around. Anyway, I brought you out here and told you that story because I want you to know that your mom has told me about the things that Mark used to say to you. I know that he used to say that you shouldn’t play with dolls or that crying made you weak and I know that he said some really homophobic things as well. But I’m here to tell you that everything that he said is bullshit. So you like to kiss other dudes? So what? You’re still a great kid who loves his mother and protects his sisters.”

Louis starts to cry again because Daniel just somehow knew exactly what Louis needed to hear tonight.  Daniel wraps his arms around Louis again.

“I won’t tell your mom because I know that it’s not my place to tell her but I do think you should know that she loves you more than anything in this world and this certainly won’t change that. And it doesn’t change anything between the two of us either.”

Louis pulls  away from the hug and stands up and Daniel does the same. He hugs Daniel as tightly as he can and says, “You’re wrong. This changes everything between us.”

-

Harry is the first one that Louis calls when he gets home.

“Lou? What happened? Are you okay?” Harry doesn’t even give Louis a chance to properly greet him. He asks a million questions, clearly panicked because he has no idea what happened after his mom came to get him.

“Yeah.” Louis smiles. “I’m fine. He … he was really cool about it. I cried and he hugged me and was just really supportive.”

“Oh my god,” Harry breathes a loud sigh of relief. “I’m so happy for you. You deserve a father figure like that.”

“I know.” Louis doesn’t say anything for a solid two minutes. “Hey Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I want to come out to my mom.”

“Really?!” Harry sounds thrilled and Louis’ heart overflows his love once again.

“Yeah. I just never thought it’d feel like this you know, the openness. It’s freeing and just knowing that I have support is the best feeling in the world.”

“I’m so proud of you. I can’t even put it into words. You’ve come _such_ a long way. Do you want me to be there with you when you tell her?”

“No, I want to do this myself and I want to do it soon.”

-

It’s the week before finals and while most people are severely stressed, Louis feels like he’s in a pretty good spot. The five of them decided they’d spend nearly every weekend studying together and while they did end up spending at least half the time distracted, they did get some good studying in.

He honestly just feels like he’s on top of the world. His grades are great, his social life is great, his family life is good, and he’s finally got the guy of his dreams. Life isn’t perfect though. He’s dealing with the fact that Eleanor, someone who has come to be one of his best friends, is leaving for college in a few months. And he’s still dealing with the looming presence of Chris in his life. But apparently his happy demeanor is obvious to everyone.

He’s helping his mom do the washing up after dinner when she comments:

“You seem like you’ve been in a good mood recently.”

“Yeah,” the corners of Louis’ mouth lift ever so slightly. “Hey, you and I should do another mother/son thing soon.”

“I would love to! It can wait until school is done if you’d like though.”

“No!” Louis retorts, almost too quickly. “I just mean that I want to do it soon as a sort of relief from school stress.”

“If that’s what you’d like, love. I have tomorrow off so I can come pick you up from school if you’d like. We need to buy you some new swimming shorts for the summer anyway, your bum definitely won’t fit in the ones from last year.”

Louis blushes, ignoring the bum comment. “Tomorrow is fine.”

When he finishes with the washing up, he texts their group chat that he is going to come out to his mom tomorrow. Liam replies with, _geez Harry your man is on a roll_ Louis can’t help but laugh. It does seem  like his coming out process has been slow and then all at once.

_Yeah he is_ Harry replies in the group chat with a heart eyes emoji.

Louis’ heart swells. He types out a cute reply with several of his own heart emojis and they all make fun of them for being gross and Louis loves every second of it.

-

His mom takes him to his favorite restaurant the next day but Louis can’t eat very much. He’s fairly sure that she’s going to be okay with it. But there’s still this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that this could go badly. Because with as scary as it was for everyone else to find out, this is his mom. This is the one person on this earth that Louis has trusted inherently every single day of his life. She is his stability – his rock – he doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

When they get in the car to go back home, his mother starts to put the keys in the ignition and then she hesitates.

“Louis, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?” She turns to him and Louis gulps loudly. “You’ve been in a mood all night.”

“Yeah,” Louis chuckles awkwardly, fussing with the seatbelt. “There’s actually something that I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”

“Is everything alright?” She positions herself in her seat so that she is sitting sideways and directly facing Louis.

“Um.” Louis’ eyes are already filling with tears. He can feel it, this is it. “I just um.”

“Loubear,” She’s already tearing up just from seeing Louis get upset. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Louis shakes his head and breathes. “I hope.”

“Is it something with the boys? Is Liam okay?”

“No, no.” He doesn’t know why but it’s so hard for him to just come out with it. “It’s me. It’s got to do with me.”

“With you?” She touches his shoulder gently. “You’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry.” Louis apologizes and takes a shaky breath. “It’s just hard.”

“Louis, what’s going on with you that’s got you crying?” She sounds like she’s about to fall apart and so is Louis.

“I’m…Mom, I’m gay.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Louis breaks down. He’s crying in earnest, shaking with fear.

Jay literally crawls across the console and brings Louis into her arms. He knows that she’s got to be uncomfortable and he doesn’t even know how she’s even sitting but all he knows is that she’s there and he can hear her heartbeat and that’s all he needs.

“I know baby.” She hugs him tight. “I’ve known since you were a wee little tyke. And I want you to know that I love you. And I am so damn proud of you, my boy.”

“Promise?” Louis asks weakly.

“Louis William Tomlinson, I swear to you. Who you fall in love with has absolutely no impact on how much I love you. Well, actually…” Jay is smirking when Louis pulls back to look at her. “I might aggressively approve of your choice in Harry.”

“What?” Louis completely pulls away this time, looking at her while wiping the tears from his face. “How did you know about that?”

“What?” She asks innocently. “You think I can’t tell when my own child is in love?”

“So… Daniel didn’t tell you…about what happened?”

“Dan hasn’t told me anything. Wait, what happened? You told him before you told me?” She legitimately pouts.

“Well, he sort of…found out on his own.”

“How did he find out?”

“Um.” Louis stalls.

“Louis William.” She says, confirming that she knew exactly where this was going.

“Okay, he may have walked in on me and Harry kissing, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Jay sighs in relief as she climbs back over to her side of the car. “I still will probably have to pull the sex pamphlets out though.”

“Mom no.” Louis is already dreading this.

She laughs and turns the car on. She switches the radio to some song from the 80s and even though Louis doesn’t know the song, he bobs his head along.

When they get home, before they go inside she turns to him and says,

“I want you to know that I’m so glad that you told me. I’m honored that you trust me that much. I promise to do everything I can to not break that trust.”

“I love you.” Louis smiles.

“I love you too, Boobear.”

-

Louis ends his sophomore year with a near perfect gpa. He’s had the weirdest year. He started out barely even being able to put a label on himself and now here he is, nine months later and nearly everyone close to him knows. He’s got his best friends and he finally, finally got Harry. Everything has finally fallen into place. He just hopes that it stays that way.


End file.
